Imagine Dragons

Dear Hana,

When I was a teenager, I was a girl who struggled to find something good to say about myself. When people confessed their feelings to me, I would question their intentions. I would wonder why someone as beautiful as them would want someone like me. When I looked at the mirror, all I see was a girl with daddy-issues. When I came to school, I would look around and envied other people. I would wish I was normal. I would wish I came from a normal family.

I don’t hate my parents, Hana. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me. But, honestly, they weren’t in a great place. My dad was an addict. My mom would lean on me for strength because, frankly, she had no one else. I would often see or hear them argue, or even be a part of the arguments. I would worry, wondering if today would be a great day or just another day with screaming and physical abuse. And, yeah, it affected the way I look at people.

I met some great men, Hana. But I kept pushing them away just to see which one would stick by me and never left no matter what. I would find their flaws, or even made one up, just because I was scared they would hurt me. I would leave immediately if I saw even a tiny bit of my father’s characteristic in them. I would hurt them. I would feel insecure around them. And I would be annoyingly clingy if I really liked them.

Hana, I was so scared of ending up with the wrong man. Not because I was scared of choosing the wrong spouse, but because I want My children to have a great dad. I don’t want my kids to look at their friends and have the urge to ask, “what does it feel like to be a daughter of a great man?” I don’t want them to live their life feeling abnormal. Or even slightly crooked.

Hana, a lot of men are evil. But you surely can find a great one. The one that fits you like a glove. The one who makes you feel like you don’t need to be somebody else but yourself. The one who makes you comfortable being yourself, with all your scars and secrets. A great man will never persuade you to do something you’re not sure about. He won’t make you feel like you should pretend to like something you don’t. He will allow you to work in your pace. He will be there when you hit rock bottom, supporting you and be the person to give you strength. He won’t make you question yourself—On the contrary, he will make you notice how amazing you are. He will still tell you that you’re pretty even when you’re having breakouts or gain some weight.

Hana, I hope you grow up amazing. I hope when you look in the mirror you know for sure that you are loved, talented, and perfectly perfect. People might make you feel like your forehead is too big or your hair is too thin, but I hope you will feel fine because you know you are amazingly flawless— forehead and hair included.

Know that I love you a lot. Life can be hard to navigate. But, as long as you keep a clear view and a strong root, you will always know where to go.

(Inspired by ‘Our Song’ by Taylor Swift)

Arabica

Everybody have their own favorite memory from their first love. Mine would probably be my first kiss.
I’m not sure if I can even call it a kiss. It was more like a peck. One that made me blush every time I remember.
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I always knew I wouldn’t end up with him. I always knew our relationship was temporary and would eventually end, because that’s just how most first loves are. However, I was so deeply invested that I didn’t really care about the ending— I just enjoyed every moments while it last.
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It might not make much sense, but my first love wasn’t my first boyfriend. I was quite popular back then, so I changed boyfriends like they’re plastic bags. I changed boyfriends so often, yet I never let anyone stole my first kiss. I always wanted it to be with someone special.  Because? Because I valued myself highly. I knew it should be an honor to be my first love and have my first kiss.
He was probably the second boyfriend I had that year. The longest relationship I had in my adolescence. 10 memorable months. 
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So, where were we? Ah! First kiss!
We were on a picnic date. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful park. The sky was blue with white pretty clouds here and there. The grass smelled amazing. He looked dazzling. He dressed like a McDreamy— you know, the kind of style  you’d imagine  from a lead male character in a romance novel.

We were talking about the future. What would it feel like to be college kids. What would we want to do 10 years from now. Just the usual talk, nothing special. 
I was looking at him as he explained lengthy about his favorite music. His side profile was mesmerizing. His eyes were bright and pure.
Suddenly, he turned his head to me. He smiled and asked, “Do I have ketchup on my face?”
I shook my head, then I went for a peck. Lips to lips. 3 seconds. That’s it.


(Writer’s note : Inspired by IU ‘Through The Night’)

Backstage

In no way do I feel that I’m as good as Shakespeare or Hemmingway. But well, it might be interesting to know where my inspirations come from.
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Tiny bits of my writings do came from personal experience. However, most of the time, it comes from imagination.
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The piece called ‘Falling in Love’ was written when a drummer of a band I used to listen to was jailed for drug misuse. The title and content of the piece was inspired by their songs.
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‘Shiver’ was inspired by a Coldplay song with the same title.
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‘Antagonis’ was inspired by a conversation I had with my husband. It made me wonder how an antagonist must be feeling. Was an antagonist born bad? Or did their circumstances change them? I think it must have been really sad and lonely because the society decided to put a terible label for them, sometimes without trying to know their stories.
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‘Red Queen’ was inspired by the death of Sulli - a kpop star. Sulli was friend with IU, and their fans thought Red Queen was written by IU for Sulli (in addition to Peach).
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‘Lavender’ was written right after I watched a documentary about Princess Diana.
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‘Sorrow’ was inspired by SHINEE Jonghyun’s suicide.
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‘Promise Her the Moon’ was written based on a song with the same title.
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Yeah, so that’s a glimpse of this blog’s backstage— which is my brain, lol.
I have a lot of fun writing here. And the thought of no-one-is-reading really makes me at ease. I can really write with no burden or anxiety of anyone’s judgement. It is very liberating.
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Thank you dear, Blog! I hope you will stay lowkey forever ❤️

Sawang Sinawang

I think the question “how are you?” has a lot of shade and depth.
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“How are you?” he asked-15 years after we last met.
“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” I replied.
“Same old, same old. How is your family?” he said.
“We’re doing okay. I’m a district attorney  now, Sir. My brother lives abroad. My mom is still in our hometown.”

He was the only person who reached out to me when things were tough. He was the only one who offered his ear.
He wasn’t even my home room teacher. I wasn’t even attending one of his class. But he was the only one who noticed.
Thank you, Sir. I am forever grateful.

Falling In Love

It was early morning. I had just arrived at school and remembered that I needed to go to the stationery shop.
That was the first time we met.
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You were already there, a yellow novel in your hand.
I got in to the shop. Told the shopkeeper what I needed and I looked your way.
Our eyes met. You smiled first.
“Hi,” I said nonchalantly.
You couldn’t hear me. You were wearing your favorite earphones.
“Sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to music,” you walked my way.
“Ah, I just said  hi”, I answered. And I just said hi because you flashed me a smile.
“I was listening to a new indie band,” you offered me one of your earphone.
The school bell rang.
“It’s called Crocks. Try them out,” you rushed to class. I should too.
You didn’t get my name. Neither do I.

Shiver

Why didn’t you tell me back then? Why now?
I tried. Perhaps not too hard, but I did try.
It is all too late now, isn’t it? We’re both engaged to someone else.
I’m sorry I chose to tell you. I shouldn’t have.
No, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you did.
You are? Why?
Well, do you prefer to keep your feelings for yourself until the end of the world?
I did think it’s best not to ruin a good friendship.
Do you think our friendship is ruined, now that you decided to tell me?
I don’t know. Is it?
Of course not! You liked me, so what? It doesn’t change the fact that we spent 15 amazing years together. You’ll still be the first person I call for everything.
I’m glad it’s not ruined, but I’m sad too.
God! You drama king! Why?
I don’t know. Perhaps.. Like, how I felt about you.. like, don’t even matter.. It’s like you’re saying my feelings for you.. not substantial enough?
You’re silly! You don’t want to ruin our friendship, but you’re sad that it’s not ruined?
Why did you never look my way, tho? I was literally there.
Well.. you’re like family. I love you like my own blood.
If I tell you 10 years ago, what do you think would happen?
I think I’d say no. But, I’d still want to be friends. Is that selfish?
Kind of. 
Food for thought tho, we’re all somebody’s first love at some point in our life.

Sorry

Do you ever have to forgive without receiving an apology?
That’s a crazy concept. I believe forgiveness is something you should earned.
Let me change my question, will you ever forgive someone who never apologize?
Not in a million years.
Why not? Wouldn’t the grudge only make you suffer?
I need them to know that harm was done. I need to know that they feel misery for doing it, say sorry, and make amends.
So, without an apology, you would resent that person for as long as it takes?
Yes. I don’t want to make it easy for people to hurt others—and not have to deal with the consequences.
I believe that must be tiring. Reconciliation is important for your own inner peace, no? Letting go of unhealthy anger is a good way to achieve good mental health, no?
I disagree. It’s naive to easily let things slide. It’s permissive. And it’s rather unhealthy, in my opinion.

Old News

It was the coldest day of winter. The day someone told me that you started dating her. That girl.
It just proved I was right. You did flirt with her. You did like her. Even when we were still together. But why did you deny? Was it embarrassing to admit?

Honestly, I knew she felt insecure about me. Well, I would feel insecure if I was her. After all, I am me, your first love— and I quoted her in this, “pretty, smart, rich, popular, and kind”.
I even wondered why you would like her. Hm.. perhaps she felt safe and effortless.  Haha! Great things need a lot of care, Charles!

I thought I was a coward for not being able to say it all in your face. For not being able to say I was hurt and I knew all your lies. But, congratulations to me! You were more of a coward. That coldest day of winter proved it all.

For the record, I didn’t wish you well. Not at all. Perhaps I even prayed for the worst for your life. Hehe. It was very childish. But, yeah, we were children. You certainly were.

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(Writer’s note : This series is getting boring to write. I don’t even know where this is going. I feel like, at this point, this is just a journal of a girl’s heartbreak. Pretty uninteresting. Well, we shall see. Sometimes inspirations come out of no where)

A Small Window by The Bay

I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.

Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️

Sendiri

Kenapa hari ini
rasanya sendiri sekali?

Besar berat kotornya
dipikul dalam sepi.

Antagonis

Bibir merah marun,
Hati penuh dendam,
Pikiran diracuni kebencian.

Tapi tidak selalu begini.

Parut yang didapat sembari melangkah pergi
Dan kenangan buruk yang sulit dihapus sendiri
Membuat harapan baik melapuk.

Di ujung hari, hanya antagonis yang diadili.
Yang lain luput. Enggan mengerti.

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Versi lainnya (dalam bahasa Inggris) :

God, why was I not built less broken? If I didn’t  have too many flaws, I wouldn't be excluded. Maybe I would be invited to parties, had lots of friends, not be left out to sit alone and judged. Maybe I would grow happier, more proud, more optimistic. Maybe my heart wouldn’t hurt this much, and my wall wouldn’t be this high.
Or is all this because I was evil? Is it because I deserved to be ostracized and grew alone?

Remember My Love Letters

Dear, Ciara.

It’s 4 in the morning, 15 years after I sent you my first ever love letter. Do you remember me?

The moments I had with you is certainly one of the most interesting in my life. Me, first time being a secret admirer. Me, secretly sending you chocolate and love letters. Me, rejected.

Honestly, for a boy that young, being rejected was humiliating. Even more so after I knew why.
I was so angry. I wanted to hit Charles’s head with a hammer. Hahahahaha.

I felt even more betrayed when I heard you broke up with him. I knew I was better. I knew I would treat you better. But you told me I never had a chance. Dang, you were harsh.

How are you? Do you get to do what you always wanted? Do you find someone who makes you happy and complete?
Charles live a crappy life now, hahahahaha. Do you even care?
I live wonderfully, though. I have a pretty wife and twin girls. Do you even care?

I do care, Ciara. I hope you are well and happy. I hope this is still your address.
Do reply if you don’t mind. It won’t hurt playing nice with me for once.


Warm regards,
Billy

Burden of The Past

As we float through life, we gain and carry new parts of ourselves. We let go of some of the old us. Because we learn and we adapt. We thrive to survive.
So it’s okay to be a different version of our old selves. It is okay to close some doors and burn some bridges. Sometimes, without realizing it, we do it for our best interests.
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Your old self would probably be the worst version of yourself. A bully. Mean girl. Unwise. Wild. Irrational. Selfish. Arrogant. Childish. Immature. Depressed. Confused.
That’s a good thing. It means you’re actually doing something right. It means you are changing for the better. It means, as you grow older, you collect wisdom.
You might not be as pretty as you were 10-15 years ago. You might, now,  have wrinkles, gain weight, grey hair, hypertension, or malignancy. Life might be hitting you hard. But, all journey will eventually end. What you do with the time you have is what really matters.
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You’re still best friends with your best friends? Cool. But, if you’re not, it’s also cool.
People grow apart. It’s more common than you think. 
You’re married with kids? Cool. But even if you’re not, it does not make you any less awesome. Just like you do not have any right to judge anyone, they do not have any right to judge how much your life is worth.
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Live for yourself. Live for the people who matter. Live for all the right reasons.
All the trivial stuffs  you compare yourself with other people with, trust me, they ARE trivial.

You of Today

Untuk kamu yang sekarang,
Yang mengharapkan darah dari mereka
Yang menyakitimu atau membiarkanmu
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Mengharapkan keburukan bagi manusia lainnya

Untuk kamu yang dahulu
Diam saja ketika runcing lidah mereka
Mengiris rohmu
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Membalas kebengisan dengan kebengisan

Untuk kamu di esok hari,
Yang berharap peruntunganmu lebih
Baik dari hari ini apalagi kemarin
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Menukar kesedihan dengan segala cara.
Aku cinta.

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Hello you of today,
Who crave for blood of those
Who harm or let you suffer
I wish our God allow us humans to
Wish for doom of another human

Hello you of the past
Who remained quiet when their spiky tongue
Slashed your soul
I wish our God allow us humans to
Reward cruelty with cruelty 

Hello you of tomorrow 
Who wish your luck is
Better than today all the more yesterday 
I wish our God allow us humans to
Exchange misery with every means.
I love you.

Flashbacks

Honestly, I thought I deleted you. Burried you as a memory I despise.
But recently I’m having flashbacks.

Most of the time- it’s the same moment. A high definition video playing in my head.
It was night time. We were sitting on a bench in front of a class in our school. I teased you. And you blushed. Couldn’t even look back into my eyes.

At that time, I thought that moment was nothing special. It was just you and me talking like usual. Eventhough we knew we’re not supposed too. Eventhough we knew we would get in trouble.
I never thought of it as something precious. I guess I was wrong. Perhaps that is the strongest memory I have of you.
I thought i would have dreams or flashbacks about something less mundane, like our first date. Or the day you asked me to be your girlfriend. Or the nights when you walked me back home. Or when you picked me up after school to let people know that we’re a couple, eventhough we said we would hide it from everyone. Or when you stayed on the phone with me all night long because I was having a hard time.

Why do I remember you fondly eventhough you were the one who lied? Why do my heart feels warm when I think of you eventhough you were the one who gave up and fell out of love? I don’t think you deserve it. There was a point in my life when I thought you didn’t deserve any happiness at all.

Honestly, I wonder when our story started. Was it that day after school, when you took me for a walk in that quiet corridor behind school? Or was it that winter teddy bear?
I wonder when it actually ended. Was it that day when I asked for a break up because I knew you cheated? Or was it far before that?

I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I was twisted and tiring to be with. I knew I was probably the one who ruined us.
But you should not lie. You should not hurt someone like that, especially when you knew you were the one I trusted the most- with all my stories and secrets.
If only I could turn back time, I would make a better closure. I would not be scared to confront you face to face. I would not be scared to ask you how and why we ruined our story. But then again, I’m grateful it ended that way. Now, I can always remember you as the worst of yourself. And not the sweet gentleman I fell in love with.

Bye Charles. I think you know by now that I’m rare.