Sawang Sinawang

I think the question “how are you?” has a lot of shade and depth.
.
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“How are you?” he asked-15 years after we last met.
“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” I replied.
“Same old, same old. How is your family?” he said.
“We’re doing okay. I’m a district attorney  now, Sir. My brother lives abroad. My mom is still in our hometown.”

He was the only person who reached out to me when things were tough. He was the only one who offered his ear.
He wasn’t even my home room teacher. I wasn’t even attending one of his class. But he was the only one who noticed.
Thank you, Sir. I am forever grateful.

Falling In Love

It was early morning. I had just arrived at school and remembered that I needed to go to the stationery shop.
That was the first time we met.
.
You were already there, a yellow novel in your hand.
I got in to the shop. Told the shopkeeper what I needed and I looked your way.
Our eyes met. You smiled first.
“Hi,” I said nonchalantly.
You couldn’t hear me. You were wearing your favorite earphones.
“Sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to music,” you walked my way.
“Ah, I just said  hi”, I answered. And I just said hi because you flashed me a smile.
“I was listening to a new indie band,” you offered me one of your earphone.
The school bell rang.
“It’s called Crocks. Try them out,” you rushed to class. I should too.
You didn’t get my name. Neither do I.

Shiver

Why didn’t you tell me back then? Why now?
I tried. Perhaps not too hard, but I did try.
It is all too late now, isn’t it? We’re both engaged to someone else.
I’m sorry I chose to tell you. I shouldn’t have.
No, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you did.
You are? Why?
Well, do you prefer to keep your feelings for yourself until the end of the world?
I did think it’s best not to ruin a good friendship.
Do you think our friendship is ruined, now that you decided to tell me?
I don’t know. Is it?
Of course not! You liked me, so what? It doesn’t change the fact that we spent 15 amazing years together. You’ll still be the first person I call for everything.
I’m glad it’s not ruined, but I’m sad too.
God! You drama king! Why?
I don’t know. Perhaps.. Like, how I felt about you.. like, don’t even matter.. It’s like you’re saying my feelings for you.. not substantial enough?
You’re silly! You don’t want to ruin our friendship, but you’re sad that it’s not ruined?
Why did you never look my way, tho? I was literally there.
Well.. you’re like family. I love you like my own blood.
If I tell you 10 years ago, what do you think would happen?
I think I’d say no. But, I’d still want to be friends. Is that selfish?
Kind of. 
Food for thought tho, we’re all somebody’s first love at some point in our life.

Sorry

Do you ever have to forgive without receiving an apology?
That’s a crazy concept. I believe forgiveness is something you should earned.
Let me change my question, will you ever forgive someone who never apologize?
Not in a million years.
Why not? Wouldn’t the grudge only make you suffer?
I need them to know that harm was done. I need to know that they feel misery for doing it, say sorry, and make amends.
So, without an apology, you would resent that person for as long as it takes?
Yes. I don’t want to make it easy for people to hurt others—and not have to deal with the consequences.
I believe that must be tiring. Reconciliation is important for your own inner peace, no? Letting go of unhealthy anger is a good way to achieve good mental health, no?
I disagree. It’s naive to easily let things slide. It’s permissive. And it’s rather unhealthy, in my opinion.

Old News

It was the coldest day of winter. The day someone told me that you started dating her. That girl.
It just proved I was right. You did flirt with her. You did like her. Even when we were still together. But why did you deny? Was it embarrassing to admit?

Honestly, I knew she felt insecure about me. Well, I would feel insecure if I was her. After all, I am me, your first love— and I quoted her in this, “pretty, smart, rich, popular, and kind”.
I even wondered why you would like her. Hm.. perhaps she felt safe and effortless.  Haha! Great things need a lot of care, Charles!

I thought I was a coward for not being able to say it all in your face. For not being able to say I was hurt and I knew all your lies. But, congratulations to me! You were more of a coward. That coldest day of winter proved it all.

For the record, I didn’t wish you well. Not at all. Perhaps I even prayed for the worst for your life. Hehe. It was very childish. But, yeah, we were children. You certainly were.

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(Writer’s note : This series is getting boring to write. I don’t even know where this is going. I feel like, at this point, this is just a journal of a girl’s heartbreak. Pretty uninteresting. Well, we shall see. Sometimes inspirations come out of no where)