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Friday, July 29, 2016

Empty Seats

I've met a lot of people in my life who I love soooo much..'till the point that I thought they would forever be by my side.
I innocently believe that we would always be together.. going through all the hardships and moments.
Growing up. Growing old. Sharing memories and years.

Never imagined that we would grow so much apart...t ill the point that they become an empty seat in the past.. missing sooo much of each other's life..
Missing weddings.. heart breaks.. sadness.. tears of joy.. despair..

It's not like our bridges are already burned.
It's just adulthood taking its toll.
Time passes by. Moments un-noticed. Pictures fade. The bridge gets old and rusty.

But believe me. I remember you from time to time.

The youths. The childhood memories. The hard and loud laughters. The irresistable freedoms of teen.
The boundless smiles.. And memories.. And warm relationships.. And heartfelt raw hugs that are so rare right now (in adulthood).

We were, once, so close.
Our heart used to cuddle.

Perhaps that's why I still smile everytime I remember you.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016


And among the fragments and ruins
Of black and white cogitation..
Of colorful and vibrant grief...

I discover myself longing for the same memories


Dan di antara kepingan-kepingan
Dan reruntuhan-reruntuhan
Renungan yang hitam-putih
Dan duka yang berwarna menyala

Kutemukan diriku mengais kenangan yang sama


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Promise Her The Moon #3

Chasing Pavement 2/2
14th April 2013, just some other night after her shift in the ER. On her way home...

She is currently stuck in traffic. Along with, like, hundreds other cars. It has been 2 hours but the traffic hasn't shown any sign of getting better. Her car only move inch by inch, and she is sure that walking will get her home faster than driving.
Argh! What the hell happened?!!! She snorts, looking away to her side window. A couple is in a car next to hers, and they're acting all lovey-dovey.
What are you?! Teenager or something?! She snorts again at the sight of them kissing.

Her phone rings. A phone call from her fiancee. "Good timing!" she says as she picks up the phone.
"Are you home? I heard there's a terrible traffic near the hospital," he says.
She puts him on speaker and turns down the radio, "Noooo!!!" she replies childishly.
He laughs, "So are you stuck in traffic?" He asks.
"Yep! And some teenager in the car next to me is making out!" she replies even more childishly.
"Ah.. my poor fiancee.. I wish I was there so we could show them how to make out. Properly. Like an adult," he says mischievously.
"Meh.. I'm hanging up.." she answers as if she hates it, but she would like it, really.
They giggle.
"Okay, then. Drive safe. And text me when you're home," he says, then quickly adds "I love you!"
She blushes, "I love you more.." she replies softly.

I can't believe I broke up with him! She says to herself with a smile from ear to ear and a pinkish cheek.

A lot has happened since their date on her birthday. Life changing memories-- at least for her. She realized a lot of things. Things which, in their 5 years history, never crossed her mind.

After that day, they went on several more dates, and she fell in love with him once more. All over again.

She's not exactly sure when it all started. Just... at some point, she realized that her heart started racing whenever they hold hands.. and her cheek started to blush whenever he looked at her a certain way.
Then, one day, on their date to the beach near his home, she just said "I love you" unconsciously. And he smiled at her so warmly that it melted her heart. And... they kissed. Soft and slowly. As if it was their first and last kiss. As if the world stood still and the time paused. As if his lips wouldn't turned orange and his peppermint-scent would forever be hers. And, as if she wouldn't faint if her heart rates went even higher.

She holds her warm rosy cheeks as their kiss comes to her memory in a flash. She grabs her phone again, browses through her gallery, trying to distract her own brain.
'So, this is how it feels like to have a fiancee and plan your own wedding. I am forever grateful and happy' she writes on her Instagram along with a picture of her engagement ring.

I am such a brag! She amuses herself on the thought of her jealous friends and families.

She continues to drive carefully among this terrible traffic jam. She pulls her hand break on and off because her feet starts to feel tired and she grows even more sleepy.

Why did I break up with him? Is he always this handsome, and sweet, and kind, and just amazing! A random thought suddenly crosses her mind.

How come I never noticed how sweet he is before? We dated for 5 years for f* sake! She lectures herself about how dumb she was. And how ungrateful she was.

She remembers how, after she accepted his proposal, he said thankyou  for, like, a thousand times.
And she remembers how, after their kiss on the beach near his home, he pulled something out of his inside pocket. A ring.
"I have been keeping this for a long time," he said.
She then asked why. "Because I was affraid," he answered. And she then asked another question, "affraid of what?"
She remembers how he paused for a long time, just staring at her eyes with his left arm hugging her hips. "I'm affraid.. that if I propose to you again.. like officially propose.. with roses and a ring.. i'm affraid that you will run away--that you will change your mind," he replied.
She remembers laughing, but her heart was aching, and then she said, "Don't be silly!"

The night grows deeper and the traffic has gotten a lot better, but still, every 100 meters it is jammed again.
Ah! I feel exhausted. I just wanna go home and sleep... She pulls her hand break and massage her feet. Not long after, she finds a new notification on her Instagram. There's a comment on her recent picture. From him.

Her heart skips a beat.
Well, look who we have here. Ah -You. She can feel something chokes her throat on the thought of him.
What the... why now? She scratches her hair back and forth. Trying to calm her heart because her memories about him thundered in her mind, drowning her once more.
Should I open it? She hesitates.

She decides to open the comment and finds out what it says. 'I am so happy for you. Happy, yet sad at the same time,' he wrote.

W-What? Her pupils widened as she can not believe what she just read. That last sentence. She wonders what he meant by 'sad'.

She remembers a month ago, when she finally log on to Facebook after a long time to post her wedding invitation, she found his weird status on her home screen.
'I wish I could be your journey's end' it said. Dated just a few hours back.

She stares and stares at the Instagram comment for quiet some time.
Oh my god! She groans. You're still good at playing me, aren't you?! She groans again.

She wonders whether his Facebook status and Instagram comment might actually mean he has (or had) feelings for her. And she wonders whether she is, finally, breaking his heart.
Oh my god! She shrieks her heart out. Come on! What are your intentions, really!!! She shrieks again.

The night gets even more deeper and darker. And the traffic starts to unravel.
No! She says firmly.
I am not that girl anymore! I am not the one who will be swayed by you! She convinces herself.
What you feel. Or write. Doesn't matter to me anymore. She says it with confident.
I am too good for you. And you are no good for me. You do not deserve me! She is resolute and decisive.

I am getting married. And I moved on.

To be Continue...

Monday, November 23, 2015


Falling in love with you gives me so much pleasure. As if I'm eating a jumbo sized popcorn while laying in bed lazily and watching an award winning movie.

Falling in love with you is so effortless. Rare. Fulfilling. Beatify. Stimulating.

Like the crunch of my favorite salty popcorn.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Promise Her The Moon #2

Chasing Pavement* 1/2

11 November 2012, her birthday...

Her phone hasn't stop beeping since morning. A lot of people send their prayers and congratulations. A lot of people, but him.

What am I expecting? He never remembers.. She mumbles weakly.
She looks down upon her hands. Nothing is there. Nothing but emptiness and disappointment.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she says to the other guy- another him in her life. The one that proposed.
That guy asked her out for a date today. She didn't really want to go, but she didn't really have other plan, so...

"You went before, " he says. "Am I making you uncomfortable? Should we just go home?" he asks her. His face looks a bit sad, so she feels sorry for him, "I'm really trying so hard to not take too much of your time.." he continues. Talking so softly that she almost cannot hear him.

"No.. it's okay.." she answers halfheartedly.

He scratches his long wavy hair out of frustration.
"I know that you've grown out of love for me. I know that," he stops for a second, "but, I can't help and be sad because you haven't answer my proposal.." he looks at her in the eye. He sounds so helpless. Miserable. And it makes her feel even more guilty. "It's been two months," he murmurs to himself.

She looks back at him and wonders, Why can't I love him? We dated for 5 years.. Have I really grown out of love for him? She sighs.

Truthfully, this other guy looks okay. He is tall. Handsome. He has beautiful brown eyes. Kind. Understanding. And he seems like he is head over heel in love with her. So, she finds it strange that she spends most of her heart on a guy like him over this guy. A guy that never remembers her birthday and never seems to try... compared to this nice soft-hearted man, him is awful.

"Why do you like me so much?" She asks him out of curiosity. "You've spent 5 years dating me so you must've known already who I really am. I've told you my story, right? What happened to me in my childhood.. and what happened now... I'm not normal, you know.." She says.

He lowers his head. "Do you remember the first time we met?" he asks.
She answers him with a nod.
"I still remember it so clearly. As if it is not a memory.. As if it was yesterday," he says. "That day, you were surrounded by so many people, yet you stood out the most. You shone so much that I, unconsciously, drawn into you, " he paused with a somewhat bitter smile. "Five years and I know your stories? Yeah, that is true. And it's true it bothered me so much at first. But.. not because I thought of it as your flaw. Instead, I was just sad because I couldn't help you back then.. If only we met sooner, if only I was there.. I wouldn't let anyone touch you," he ended his sentence with a smirk.

She looks at his deep brown eyes. Somehow, it feels warm. And somehow, she wants to believe everything he just said.

"I know everything about you, y'know? Even the things you don't know about yourself.." he continues, "I know you like soft but bold colors, but you hate pastel," he giggles."I know your eyebrows have this weird shape when you lied. And you draw random doodles when you're anxious. And you drink a lot of bottled water, especially when you're sad.." he says.
"I know that you wanted to play piano again, but it reminded you about your father so much, and it made you sad, so you just let it go..." he moves his hand towards hers. She flinches.
"I know that you love the curve of your shoulder, and that is why you love wearing certain types of clothes.. And I know that you hate your forehead, but I think it's beautiful" he continues. "I can go on and on if you let me," he sighs.

Why are you so in love with me? Why can't he fall in love with me this way instead? She thinks to herself.

"I know you know it's the truth.." he says while giggling with his eye-smile. "I am madly in love with you, y'know?"
She answers with a sneer.
"Can't you try and love me again?," he asked. "I promise you, I'll make you happy. I won't ask anything from you. Really! You can do whatever you want, and just give me a chance to take care of you. I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to. So please... can't you at least try?" He sounds so pitiful, almost like he is begging.

She can feel that her heart starts to waver. Vacillate.
If only you were loving me like this.. If only you were trying to come after me like this... then my heart wouldn't be this broken, would it?
Or at least chase me! Tell me to be with you! Make me refuse his proposal!
You know I would run to you without thinking.
She says it silently,  deep in her heart-wishing him will, somehow, hear her telepathically.

"Honey.. I promise you'll be happier living with a man who loves you..more than than the man you love," he says, breaking the silence.

She lets out a deep sigh. What have I done in my life to deserve this kind of love?
She looks at his deep brown eyes once again. This kind of man seems to only come once in a lifetime, doesn't it?
She closes her eyes in tears. Perhaps, it's time for me to made up my mind.

"Will you really do that?" She asks him. A tear welled in the corner of her eyes.
He looks puzzled "W-what?"
"Make me happy and take care of me?" She answers.
"You're so precious to me.. so.. of course!" he says.

Well, I guess it's time to stop chasing pavement.

To be continue..

*Reference to Adele's  song intended

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Cherries in The Bushes

Promise me that you will break my heart
Like cherries in the bushes

Paint the grave of my heart's left chamber
In pale orange
And keep the right chamber
Underneath fake grasses

Promise me that you will break my heart
So that my heels stopped dashing,
Like cherries in the bushes
Like guns and its ashes.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

The Odds

When I love you, everything seems to fall into its place
The noise,
turns into serenity
The rumbling,
becomes at peace
No hassle.
All there is..
Is you and me,
Slow dancing against the stream

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Promise Her The Moon #1

Her : "Hi! You there?"
Him : "Yep! How are you?"
Her : "I'm good. Are you busy? Can we talk?"
Him : "I'm cooking dinner. But we can talk"
Her : "Somebody propose to me.."
Him : "..."
Her : "Are you eating now?"
Him : "Yeah..."
Him : "So, will you accept his proposal?"
Her : "I don't know yet. Should I?"
Him : "..."
Him : "Well, congratulation..."


During her shift in a drizzling September night 2012....

She looks at the ceiling with a blank stare. It is a very tiring night shift. Even though she is not the only doctors in charge, somehow she still feels exhausted. Drained.
Her partners are already asleep. She thinks they must've been exhausted also. There aren't that many patients that night. But, still.. a shift in the ER never fails to suck all your energy.

She reaches for her cell phone. A little disappointed because there isn't any message from anyone. From him, especially.

Should I just text him first? She asks herself.
But..., she hesitates. She doesn't want to show him how desperate she is about him, and at the same time, it's hard to resist the temptations.
I've been avoiding that other guy for a week now. Soon, of course he will be impatient. It's about time I give him my answer..., She groans because she feels frustrated. Suffocated. She wonders why he has not been texting her.

It's not that he is obligated to text me.. But..  She groans again.
We're just friends. He doesn't need to text me if he has nothing to ask me about. She tries to put some sense into her heart, but an ominous feeling suddenly surrounds her.

She lets out a deep sigh. She feels bitter thinking about him. She feels stupid and sad at the same time. He makes her feels like a beggar all the time. He gives her a hard time reading his intentions. He gives her hopes, yet he never really gives her hopes. It's too complicated!

She looks at her phone again. Should I just text him? It's not like I'm trying to make him jealous or anything... It's just, we're friends.. So I'm just going to tell my friend what had happened in my life. She convinces herself.

After she finally finds an excuse, she musters up her courage and texts him first. It's the first time they contact each other after so long.

She glances at her watch. It's 11 PM. She hopes he's still awake

Her : "Hi! You there?"

She sends it. Then, directly regrets it.  And she waits anxiously for his answer.

Him : "Yep! How are you?"
Her : "I'm good. Are you busy now? Can we talk?"
Him : "I'm cooking dinner. But, we can talk..."
Her : "Can I ask you something strange? What are we, actually? How do you feel about me? About us?? Aren't you tired playing me? Aren't you bored already?! " She types it, but soon deletes it.
Her : "Do you remember my previous ex-boyfriend? The long term one.. you know, the one I dated for 5 years?" She sends this instead.

He doesn't answer directly. There is a five minutes gap. He must be busy cooking, she thinks to herself.

Him : " Yeah.. what about him?"
She hesitates a bit. Should I really tell him? Or... Should I just figure everything out myself?
Her : "..."
Him : "You still there? What are you doing now? Aren't you in the hospital?"

She feels a bit relieved that he changes the topic. Her : "Yeah. Still on duty. No patients at the moment, tho.."
Him : "So? What about that ex-boyfriend?"

She is a little surprised that he brings that up again because she thought he didn't want to talk about it. Apparently, he do want to talk about it.
So she mutters nonsense, then decides to tell him. Argh! Whatever, she says to herself.
Her : "He proposed last week"

He doesn't answer for a long time. There is a long pause. Almost half an hour.

Is he eating now? She tries not to get her hopes up.
I mean... It's not like he will be jealous or shocked, right?
It's not like we're in a relationship or something!
He must've figured out by now..the fact that I like him.. But, it's not like he ever treated me special or anything.
It's not like I mean something to him, right?
He never remembers my birthday, so...
It can't be that I actually mean something, right?
A lot of thoughts crosses her mind. She feels like... this is it.. After this, she will finally decide... After this, she will know what to do. Whether she will keep going.. or she will, finally, let him go and move on.

Her : "Are you eating now?"
Him : "Yeah.."
Another pause.
Him : "So? What are you gonna do with him?"
Her : "I don't know yet... I'm confused.. Should I accept?"

He pauses for a long time again. Come on! Don't get my hopes high!! Don't make me feel as if I actually mean something to you! Why are you playing with my heart?!! She groans while kicking her feet in the air. He confuses me. All the time.

Him : "Well, congratulation..."

Congratulation? She murmurs to herself. She looks at her screen with a choke on her throat. She feels dizzy and there is a sharp pain somewhere she cannot explain. How come two words could shatter her hearts into aladeen pieces?

"Excuse me, doctor. There is a patient outside!" one of the nurse knocks on the door.

Ah... shit.. I guess, this is it, then.

To be continue...

Monday, June 1, 2015

A Letter to Vina

Dear, Vina

I suddenly thought about you tonight. Out of no where. Poof. Just like that.
Turns out, today is my wedding anniversary.

Do you remember how long has it been since the last time we met? Wasn't it the day you slept over at my house?? So, it has been what? 7 years? 8 years?

I miss you, girl... Right now especially, in my current situation, I can use a friend like you. We were best friends, weren't we?
From what I can remember, I spent my whole highschool years with you. I spent those silly-tragic-strange years with you.
And, from what I can remember, even though at that time my situation was just as crappy, it didn't really affect me.
You were one of the reasons, I guess...

I will admit that I pulled myself away from you, Vina. Because of... Reasons..
We grow apart, don't we? We lost that highschool chemistry long ago, didn't we? Realizing it.. breaks my heart a little.

Do you know that I thought about you on my wedding day, just before the ijab? Among those guests, I wished you were there. I wondered what would you give to me as wedding gifts. Would you throw me a bachelor party? I wondered what would you say to me if you know I decided to get married so young.. I cried a little because you weren't there, Vina.

Do you know that, when you slept over at my house 8 years ago, my parents were already divorced and my father were going to remarry? Ah.. I hated him so much back then.
But, 4 years ago he started to change, Vina. He stopped being a junky because he was very ill. He started to become very religious. He had changed so much. He tried so hard to put his life back together. But, last year, he passed away. Just a month after my husband's traffic accident.
It was hard on me.

I had a rough year, Vina.. Things are getting better now, but it's still hard for me. Hehe..
Perhaps that's the reason why I thought about you tonight. I guess, I'm feeling a bit lonely. And, the image of talking to someone I trust, makes me remember you.

Life pulls us so much apart, doesn't it? I bet if we met, you would feel like I'm a different person... Like we've never been bestfriend.. And I bet, a lot has changed in your life as well.

It would be nice to stay friends, Vina.. I am truly sorry for everything I 've missed out in your life.


Monday, March 17, 2014


The sun will always find its entrance through a narrow slit.
Even if you shut your eyes tightly.
And the future will always continue to come.
No matter how hard you hold on to the past.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Never Growing Up

I finally understand how hard it is to survive. I used to cuddle under my mom's embrace, not knowing how much work that needed to be done.
Now that I understand, surviving means more and more like sacrificing. Or excruciating. Or draining.
But no one can escape life forever.

Monday, May 27, 2013


Photo taken with Analaog Camera. Minolta. Kodak celluloid.

Do you think it is strange... that I thought of you a lot, right before my wedding? Do you think I am still addicted to you and to our unfinished love stories? Do you think, deep inside my heart, I am still looking for you in the dense of other loves?
I think this is God's way, dear past... To remind me that love can be very painful, and that I need to make myself ready. Because, now, I am heading toward an eternal and holly commitment of love. where anything can happen, and the risk of pain is worse.
I think this is God's way of warning me, dear past... That I might become an antagonist in someone else's stories. And that I might also be the protagonist. But the choice is not mine to take, it is in other's to give away.
I think. God loves me so much. And wants me to learn from our horrible love stories. About our love that used to be so magical, but then vanished into thin air. Also, about our ending that has never happened... And our last conversation that never linger.

Dear, past... I wish you will thought of me too. May be one day. When your own wedding is near.
I hope God loves you too. As much as I used to.
And now, let this be the last time I write about you. Because I already have someone that fits me better than you. Way better.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


The feeling of not having anyone to watch your back, for me, it is frustrating.
I think the core of being human is to have another human as our support group. People that will stand up for us except ourselves. People that we can count on. People that watches our back. People that appreciate, rather than looked down on, us. People that believe, rather than underrate, us.

The feeling of not having anyone to watch your back, for me, it is irritating and saddening. But most of all, isolating. Lonely-ing.

Thursday, March 28, 2013


I remember the sand that get stuck under your nail
On our date to the beach.
And the pink stain on your left cheek
After our kiss.

And then I remember the sky got less blue
And the grass less green
After you left.

(Inspired by : Lani, the sky can never get less blue, but the vision might gets blurry)

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Be Minor

Wandered into an unfamiliar place. Crawled into a space we don't really fit.
Most of us never really know how it feels to be a minority.