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Friday, August 16, 2019


"Why did you lie to me?"
"About what?"
"About falling out of love and falling in love?"
"I didn't lie."
"Yes you did. I asked you spesifically that night... did you fall in love with that other girl.. And you said no."
"What are you talking about?"
"That day. On the phone. I called you to explain why I broke up with you. I told you that I know you liked her eventho we're still together.
I was very happy when you said that I misunderstood. I thought we could fix everything."
"Why are you bringing this up? There's no use talking about it now."
"Yes there is. Because I want to know why you lied! I want to know why I should find out 9 years later that you actually liked her and you had no intention of fixing things with me back then. I want to know why you lied to me, eventho I trusted you the most. Eventho I lower my wall for you.. only you." I started crying.
"I'm sorry.. I really am.. for everything.. we were so young."
Disclaimer : This is my personal writing exercise. It is not based on real events.
A conversation between two ex-lovers just popped in my mind, and I decided to write it down. Hopefully I can use some of the lines for other things in the future.

Thursday, August 15, 2019


There are always two sides of every story.
This is what I learn first hand tonight.
I had a story stored in my memory.
About love. A bitter one.
I thought he had the same story about it too. But he's not.
I can't do anything about it.
It's his truth.
Just like how he can't do anything about mine.
The way I remember my experience, and the way he remember his, can be so different. Eventhough it's the same love story. A bitter one.
I find it fascinating. And it certainly broaden my views.
For me, he will always be memorable. But he will always stay in the past.

Friday, May 31, 2019

Dear God,

Dear God,

Honestly, all I'm trying to do is to find my way back to You. But, I feel like people misunderstand.

It's really hard, God. I am struggling.
I can't find a word that best describes how I feel. There's a little bit of anxiety, mix with sadness, fear, hope, and anger.
Coming to this decision is hard for me. I too question it sometimes. I too fear the risks. I too feel the uncertainty.

God, is it so bizzare of me to think that "eventhough I don't agree with what you do, does not mean I hate you"? Let me do me, and I'll let you do you. Spread love. No hate speech or evil tongue.

God, why do people love to make assumption? Why do they judge without knowing the full story? Why do they feel like they have the right to provide unwanted opinion? Why do they make me feel like I have to explain everything I do.. everything I choose? 

"You can't control what random people think about you. Ignore them," is what my hubby told me. But, can I do it?

I just want to live my life simply and happily. Is it so hard to understand?

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Mommy Hug

The only thing I want to excel at in life, is being a mom. There really is nothing else.

I practically begged Allah to give me a child. And I have no intention of ruining this gift.

Do I know all the consequences? I know some. But right now I don't mind. I don't care.

Do I realize how much it will affect both of ourlives? Not really. But, I'm gonna try anyway. I owe that to my child - to at least try.

Am I gonna fuck up our stability? Really? Who cares? You? Well, I don't.

For the records, I do not need to explain to anyone why I'm doing this. I do not need anyone's approval of my reasoning. You don't know shit about me or my situation (well in this case, our situation). So shut up! You pay for none of this. You have no contribution or whatsoever in my well-being. So stop being a fucking douchebag, and get a life.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Partly Sunny

"Rather than the word 'sad' or 'depressed', I relate more to the word 'pain' and 'lonely'. Maybe that's why I dug a hole in my heart and burried all my scars there. Maybe I wanted them to decompose and one day flourish into something pretty. Ha! Who am I kidding, right?" 

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Growing Pain

Stop it.
Talking to me like you know all my injuries.
Judgement like I tell you all my stories.
Opinion like I need it.
Voice like I beg for it.
Battling all the grief is hard enough.
Resisting the sound in my head
telling me to jump.
How much do I want to run?
You never ask.
How tired I must've been?
You never once.

Saturday, July 14, 2018


As I walked down that aisle, I thought to myself.. "This is it. Finally, somebody will hold my hand forever. He will take care of me. He will be the support I've never had. He will be someone who listen to my worries. He will be someone who help me find true happiness."
But, boy I was wrong.

I have never felt so meaningless. You made me feel as though I am replaceable.
After I'm fucked, I am discarded, ain't I?
You show nice gestures and cares, only if you want something in return, don't you?

Never have you ever treated me like a real spouse. Like a human. Like someone who mean something. Never. Not once.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Sun Flower

Dear, Self...
Why are you always so sad and lonely? Why are you so negative and angry? Why can't you be normal and happy?
Have you lost the spark? Is life totally  uninteresting to you?
Please stop thinking about death. There is nothing quick, pretty, or painless way of death. So please stop thinking about it.
I know that you are in pain. I know you just want everything to go away. I know living is hard. But please hang on... Things will get better, I promise.
I know that you feel lonely. I know you feel like nobody cares. I know you feel like you fight the world alone and no one ease your burden. But someone will come and hold your hand someday, I promise.

Dear, self...
Allow life to proof you wrong. Give it some time to show you that everything is better than death. Please... stop planning your death. Just, please.
Would you please silence that voice in your head- the one who keep whispering about pitch darkness?
You are fine... You are doing great.. You are loved.. You are important.
Please.. stop thinking about suicide.. Allow yourself to appreciate and celebrate YOU.

I love you...

Saturday, May 5, 2018

John FS - Chapter 4

Grace Kelly

She was pretty. I knew that. And that was probably why a lot of boys in highschool liked her.
She was also rich. At least, that was what everyone else assumed. Because she had a driver. And her parents had a Mercedes Benz.
A lot of girls thought she was arrogant. Because she didn't interact well with people. She was hated by them. And there were a lot of rumors about her.
However, after knowing her more, I began to understand her more. But I didn't think I loved her. So, why did I ask her to go to the movies with me? I had tons of friends, so why her? Why did I contact her everyday? Why did I act so nice to her all of a sudden?
Ding! My phone rang. She replied my text.

I was just procrastinating all day. Having random thoughts. She said answering my previous question.
What were you thinking about all day? I text her back.
Just things. My parents. My brother. My friends. She replied.
Aren't you bored? I know I am. Want to go to the mal with me tomorrow? 

She didn't answer for an hour, then she said, Okay. But let's not watch movies again. Let's just chill and talk.
And an ocean of joy overwhelmed me. She said yes again!
The next day, we wandered here and there in the mal, but she looked unexcited. "Is something wrong? Are you tired?" I asked.
"Can we sit down a bit," she said as she sat down on a bench.

I looked at her mien. She noticed and gave me a plain smile.
"My mom is getting a divorce," she said. "I think it is for the best," she continued.
I looked away. I never really knew what to say in this kind of talk. My family was happy, so it was hard to completely understand her situation.
"I haven't told anyone. Not even my bestfriends," she said. My heart skipped a beat. "But truthfully... I couldn't handle it on my own. And that's probably why I'm telling you out of the blue."

I looked at her face once more, and tried to remember her face during our school years. She never looked troubled. She acted mostly normal, despite having lots of hater. And even now, despite what she said, she looked fine.
"Me and my brother.. we're going with our mom," she smirked. "We probably will move to a smaller house. And I probably should get used to taking public transports.. not having a maid.. helping out with chores.." she said, looking up to the ceiling. "It will be a big change"

I was just silent. I didn't really know how to respond.
"We will probably be fine tho..." she said while smiling. Now looking at my eyes. "Thankyou for listening." She got up and asked me to walk with her.

I felt stupid. I felt immature because I knew, at first, I was contacting her only out of curiosity. But the more I knew her, the more I realized that she was facing grown-ups problem when she was supposed to be enjoying life--just like me and any other young adults our age.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I said. 
Blurted it out of the blue.
Even before I was able to process anything in my head.

She looked at me bewildered. And then she smiled, "If you are doing this out of pity, please know I don't need it." She said.
"I am not," I said. Surprising myself even more. Startled by the fact that my mouth actually worked faster than my brain. What am I doing?! I think to myself.

"I know that you are approaching Jane right now. She told me everything." She said.
I was shocked, but before I could answer, she continued, "Even if you're not... I don't think this is the right time for a relationship.." she paused. "You will be going to a different city for college. And I will be here. And.. I honestly think that you are not built for long distance relationship."
I just stood there as she walked away.

She never said she refused because she doesn't like me tho... so there's still hope, I think to myself as I head home.

I continued contacting her despite what happened. She never brought that 'situation' up and neither did I.
We just talked like we normally did.
She told me that she was moving out of her house in a few days, and we shared our simple daily life with each other as friends.
I never really figured out why I asked her to be my girlfriend. I wasn't sure about how I felt either.

Then on my last day before going to college, I asked her to meet again.

"Are you treating me to a goodbye lunch?" She said when she arrived at the restaurant. I nodded.
We talked about random trivial things as we eat.

"Have you move out yet?" I asked.
"Next week. The house is a lot smaller but I think we will be fine," she answered.
"I'll go for college tomorrow. And I'll probably come back whenever I miss my mom," I said.

I looked at her small figure.. her dimples.. and her fair skin..
I couldn't help but to notice how we had come much closer than when we were in highschool.

"Are you sure you don't want to be my girlfriend?" I asked her while trying to sound calm.
She choked a bit, and then she giggled, "John... the question is.. are you sure you want to be my boyfriend?" She said.

I probably looked puzzled, so she continued, "I am not normal, John.. My life is twisted and full of drama.. and I am used to it.. but how about you? Are you ready to get into my drama?" She looked sharp into my eyes, "I will probably call you one night to cry about my crazy dad... And you will soon realize how I am a 'difficult' girl.." She tried reading my expression, while I tried not to make one, "Then you will see your new friends in college.. and find a cool pretty girl that you like.. and compare her to me.. and of course I will lose! So you will want to be with her... And me? I will just end up being the girl who gets her heart broken again," she said.

I stayed silent for a whole minute. And then I said, "But we'll never know before we try," I looked straight back into her eyes. "What if I turn out to be a good boyfriend? Someone who won't hurt you? Someone who you can count on? Someone you can call at night and cry about your crazy dad?"

She smiled, "There is that posibility, right? But I'm sorry John.. I just can't take any risk right now... You will probably be happier with Jane anyway... She likes you a lot."

To be continued....

Friday, April 13, 2018

John FS - Chapter 3


"Hi! Sorry I'm late. What are we watching?" I said when I saw him in the long queue.
"I'm thinking some action movies. Is that okay? Or do you prefer something more girly?" he answered.
"I'm fine with anything. You pick!  I'll buy us some popcorn," I ran  as fast as I could to the counter. Avoiding a longer talk because I felt awkward and I was too nervous.
The movie didn't start in 2 hours, so we walked to a nearby restaurant because he said he was hungry. I was not, so I only ordered some snack and watched him eat.

He is skinny but he eats so well. I thought to myself.

"When will college start?," he started the conversation. Probably to clear the air from the thick awkward moment.
"Not until next month. You?"
"Me too. But I will need to go earlier because I need to find a place," he answered with an eye smile behind his hipster eyeglasses.
"It must be exciting right? Being on your own in another city?"
"Mm.. Yes it probably is..," again, he answered with an eye smile.
But there is a suffocating awkward silence after that. I continued snacking and he continued eating.
I know this would happen! We weren't close, so we have nothing to talk about!!! I screamed in my head. Imagining punching myself.

"Do you keep in touch with him?" He asked. Starting another conversation.

"You mean your bestfriend? No I don't." I said. But my answer was not completely honest, so I continued. "Well.. actually at first I contacted him often," I smiled unconciously because I felt naive, and then I continued, "Because he was my first love and it's hard to let go... mm... to move on." I paused. "But the more we talked, the more I realized that he had no intention to start over.." I let out a sad smirk. "I realized that he moved on far before the breakup"

He observed my face. I thought he was trying to figure out what to say, but then he asked, "Why did you break up with him?"
I deliberated whether to aswer him honestly or not because I wasn't sure whether he was asking because he cared or because he meant malice.But eventually I decided that I didn't really care and I just answered honestly. "At first I convinced myself that I wanted this breakup because I needed to concentrate on my study. But now that I've come to term with everything, I can proudly admit that my heart was broken" I said.

"He broke your heart? Really?" He sounded skeptical.
I could smell doubt from his tone of voice. So I sneered, "I know no one would believe me. Well, He is the kind-hearted popular guy. While I am just the misfit who was lucky enough to get him. That's what everyone thinks"
He didn't answer. I guessed he couldn't say that I was wrong.

"He flirted with other girls," I told him.
His eyes widened in disbelief. Just like I thought anyone would. "For real?" He asked.
"He flirted with my bestfriend," I paused to ease my aching fresh wound, "Who told me that he also flirted with some other freshmen"
His eyes widened more. Just like I thought. No one would believe that that guy was capable of any of that.

After afew minute, he said, "But still... it was just flirting. Uncomfirmed flirting... Flirting that you did not see with your own two eyes, right?"
I scoffed. My eyes wondered some place else. I was thinking where to start so that I didn't sound broken in front of him. "At that time, my parents were in a very rough place." I started, "My dad messed up... Uhm, he cheated," I paused. Trying to breath normally. Trying to hold my tears.
"My family was unstable. And it's been like that for a long time. But at that time... it was worse than before. And I was actually lost, devastated, and disappointed... And your friend.. well, he was the only one I told about everything. I even cried in front of him" I stopped talking and sneered. Just realizing how silly I was, "Actually... what hurt me the most was the fact that I trusted him.. with my worries.. and everything.. And I didn't do that to just anyone," I paused again because I could feel my tears started to dwell. "So yeah, 'just' flirting was not 'just' flirting for me.." I let out a cold laugh, "Flirting is the beginning of it, John... And he could actually cheat.. which he might.... And, at the time I honestly didn't have the strength to handle that kind of pain. Especially when it comes from someone so dear to my heart. Someone I trust."

He was just silent. For a long time. Maybe he still didn't believe me. But who cares.
"I'm sorry. He is still your friend. I don't mean to badmouth him," I said. Trying to clear the air.
But he was still silent. And I didn't really know what to say to ease the awkwardness. Until he said, "In highschool.... umm.. I knew there was something happening with your family. Mm.. I heard rumors... and I kind of guessed..."
I smiled because I was not surprise. "I know..." I said. "In our second year, when you asked me why me and my mom stayed at my grandparents'... I told you that my grandma was ill... But I actually lied, and I know you know that I lied."
He put his face down. Looking at the table.
I thought he didn't really know how to respond.
"Actually, when you asked, I was startled. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out the very first thing I wanted to believe.... that everything is okay... that we moved out to take care of grandma," I continued while letting out another cold laugh, "But really, who am I kidding? We moved out because my father cheated... because he was becoming unfamiliar... hhh...because he was violent". I admitted.
He muttered some words then said, "Actually I was asking because I know," his eyes wondered. Avoiding me. "Now that I think of it... I was such a jerk.. I should have think about how you'd feel... But, at that time, I probably was trying to humiliate you."
He looked sorry. But I didn't think he should be. Maybe because I already knew everything he was saying. I already knew that he was a bully. I already knew that he was trying to be mean. It's nothing new. He had done it before. Not once, not twice, but so many times.... 

So why now? Why today? Why do you ask me to come today? Why me? Didnt you have tons of friends? Are you trying to be mean again? Are you trying to humiliate me again? Are you trying to see if I would fall for you? Are you trying to hurt me?  Are you trying to gather information about me and then laugh about it with your peer? Those were the questions I had but never able to ask that day. I was foolish... All I did was swallowed them.

To be continued....

John FS - Chapter 2


I remember the last time I was chasing a girl down the hallway. She was my girlfriend in college. The girl who had a tall wall surrounding her. The girl who reminded me that I was such a coward in highschool. Well, I probably still am.
She was unique.
She was not popular among girls. She was not 'cool'. But so many boys were drawn to her. And she rejected most of them.

I was shallow.
I was the highschool bully who said mean things to every misfits I met. And I was proud because I thought I was cool.
I didn't really notice her at first. I was busy making poems for an older girl I had a crush on.
She was just my close friend's girlfriend. A misfit girl who manage to get one of the 'Top 10'.
He said she was weird. That she was insecure and capricious. That she was in a highschool-rebel phase against her parents. That she was problematic and hard to deal with but he was going to try anyway.
I shrugged him off. Saying that to me she sounded just like another teenage girl.
One day, she broke up with him for the third time in a year. But this time, he said it was for real. He said that it was too tiring.
And I started to become curious. I started to notice her. The highschool misfit who decided to broke up with a popular guy.
After a while and a few small talks, I found out that she was enticing. That she had so many layers attached to her. Probably too many.
One day I asked to borrow her note and found out that she made a list of handsome males at school. I was one of them. And I was on top of the list.

I actually scoffed. I thought that she was hunting cool boys. I thought that she was shallow. Just like me.
But I was foolish.

To be continued...

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

John FS - Chapter 1


I remember the last time a boy came running after me down the hallway. 
He grabbed my wrist. Shouted my name. Asked me to listen to whatever lies he was trying to say. 
But my eyes saw what it saw. And my heart was already broken. Just like the trust I once gave him.

His name was John.
We started out as classmates.
He was an overachieving popular kid in highschool.
I was an outcast. A somehow popular misfit.
He was the golden boy in my class. Smart, confident, sociable, a good writer, and the alpha male.
I was a staging tree in school play. A quiet popular one, somehow. Had a substantial amount of male fans.
He hungout with a bunch of popular boys. People called them the 'Top 10'.
I hungout with a small circle of friends. Some were pretty enough to be popular among boys, but never among girls.
One of John's friend was my first love. A cheating good guy who broke my heart into atomic pieces.
Well, I admit. I was difficult to deal with. I would broke my heart if I was him.
In highschool, eventho John and I were classmates, we were not close.
We talked from time to time, but nothing particularly special.
However, a few days after graduation, he started texting me.
He never texted me before.
The conversation started from random small talks. Then it became more frequent and ongoing. Until one day, he asked me to go watch a movie with him. Just the two of us.
I was negligent. I didn't really want to go, but I also needed an escape from home. I didn't want to sent him the wrong message, but I was wondering why he asked me.
Eventually, I made a mistake.
I decided to come. I thought, eventho he was annoying and he was somewhat a bully in highschool, he was actually pretty decent to me. So I came to the movies. And I dressed up. And I saw him standing there. With his cheeky smile and bespectacled chiseled jawline. And he was dazzling. And I was stunned for a second, admiring the way he dressed himself, how it was so boyfriend material.
Later, I realize that I was foolish.

To be continued....

Friday, March 9, 2018

How Can I Be Bigger Than The Moon?

Tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon
and untangled
and smooth
and at ease
when the world is just so chaotic?

How can I be sweeter than a sugar rush
when the world is torturing
constantly stabbing
and continously being strenuous?

How can I be free
and radiant
and immortal
when life is pitch black and concealed?

I tried to fix the broken light bulbs
instead of demolishing the house.
Yet the light is faint.

So tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon?
How can you?

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

I See Your Smile and The World Is Well

Keep the noise in
my head down.
The rustling
The echoes
The splashes.

I want to sleep
without having to
count the sheeps.

I want my world
to be happy
and smells like

Be silent for once.
I need the peace
and the quiet.
I need to be un-

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Bath Friends

Dear, children...

I have a lot of scary thoughts inside my head about how I should raise you so that you can survive in this world and grow to become a decent and compassionate human beings.
These thoughts occur because I've seen how bigotry, ignorance, and immorality are constantly growing. I see how their gravities have become larger and much scarier.

You know, love.... I want you to treat every person with kindness, just, and compassion-regardless who they are. Because often I see how the rich and pretty ones benefit and make use of their wealth/beauty unfairly. Often I see how the minority and less-privileged are experiencing multiplied difficulties for obtaining their basic rights.
I hope you can always talk, act, and walk in the corridors of truth without discrimination as to whom you are against. Do not give a person privilege just because they are richer, older, have a higher office, come from a certain group, come from a certain religion/political background, or have other advantages. Say firmly that right is right and wrong is wrong. Carry out dutifully what has been entrusted to you, and do not falter to defend your rights. Never hesitate to apologize when you are at fault, but stand firm when you are on the side of truth.

My dear, I believe that all of you will grow into dazzlingly beautiful boys and girls. However please remember that beauty is meaningless without integrity, bright minds, and sincere heart.

Be mindful of your words and actions. Remember that all of them carry weight. Remember that, not only they affect you, they also affect someone else.
Be daring, yet be considerate. Be bold, yet be polite.
Set limits. Take responsibilities. And do not forget to have fun to keep your life in balance.

Remember.... I love you. Always have, always will.

Thursday, December 21, 2017


Why don't you fix me?

Mend all the curves that are weird and out of place...
Fade all the scars already exist...
Stroke my head gently without speaking
just because you understand,
without words...
Love me thoroughly,
without words,
just because you love me tirelessly,
without words,
just because you truly love me,
just because you earnestly love me...

Mengapa tak kau perbaiki aku?

Membetulkan semua lekuk-lekukku yang aneh dan tidak pada tempatnya... Memudarkan bekas-bekas luka yang terlanjur ada...
Membelai kepalaku lembut tanpa bicara,
hanya karena kau mengerti,
tanpa kata-kata...
Mencintaiku dalam semuanya,
tanpa kata-kata,
hanya karena cinta,
hanya karena sesungguhnya cinta,
hanya karena setulusnya cinta..

Wednesday, December 20, 2017


The weather is colder than what she packed for.

She looks out and feels like she can touch the snow falling out of her window.

Winter is cold. But the sharp pain in her chest is much colder.

She never knew that she could feel such tremendous pain. She never expected that she would meet such excruciating depression.
The feeling of longing for acknowledgement.
The profound void of loneliness.
The constant struggle and sadness.
The hate that scarred her.
Even after she seeked help. Even after she talked to someone. Even when she was showered with love.
She feels like no one would ever understand. She knows that the dark clouds won't ever go away. And even when they say they love her... she can't believe them. She can't feel their love.
She feels numb, yet she can feel the throbbing pain.

The people she thought would give her comfort... those she thought she could rely on... those she thought would give her strength.. are also those who tortured her... are also those who demand so much from her... are also those who expected too much from her.
They expected perfection. They expected fortitude. And understanding. And patient. And unconditional love.
But they wouldn't do the same for her.
All they do was talk.
Even when she told them she was in pain. They shrugged her off.  They belittle her. As if she needed a more dramatic reason to be in pain.

"Will anyone cry for me when I'm gone? Will anyone miss me? Will my death mean something to someone or anything at all? Will they finally realise that I exist? Will they finally acknowledge how hard I've worked? Will they finally know how much pain they've caused me? Their sharp words... Their unfair judgement... Their hate...."

She thinks to herself over and over again.

She closes her eyes and hugs herself. "You're good enough. What you did was good enough. You've done well."
She puts herself to sleep.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

A Week Dose of Glucose

There are times when we feel like we are not as advance as everyone else. We feel less pretty, less successfull, less healthy, less complete, less interesting, and just less wonderful in general.
We feel like we are dull while everyone else's glow. We tell ourselves that we are lame and uninteresting.
But I have come to an understanding that we are just as capable as everyone else, just like everyone else are as much incapable as we are. Others are just as powerless as us, and we are as strong as others.
They glow, while we shine. We are sparkling, when they are luminous.
There is no point in feeling inferior, just as there is no point in looking for validation of your own happiness.
Be happy. Whether people acknowledge it or not is none of your problem.
Be awesome. You are your most important assets.

Promise Her The Moon #4 -END

Palette - end
8 Months after her wedding...
She walks into her favorite chocolatier with her hopes up. She can imagine his favorite opera cake sitting on their small dining table. She can picture how his perfect teeth would turn brown, so that she can clean it up with millions of kisses. Slow kisses. Sexy kisses.

" Hi!" called a familiar voice. He tapped her shoulder rythmically.
She spontantly blanks out.
"Can't believe we meet here!" He continues with that misleading tone and ambiguous smile of his.
She can't gather her minds. She just gawks with her mouth open.
"Sorry I couldn't come to your wedding. I was just..." He stops.
Not finishing his sentences is just his specialty. He seemed to love doing it, so that the other person could fill in the gap and misunderstood completely. At least, that's what she assumed.

"Ah.. no problem.." she is finally able to answer after she regains her consciousness, "How are you doing?" she continues.
"Not okay," He laughs awkwardly.
"What happened?" She asks--- only out of courtesy.
"You happened, " He answers with a one-sided smirk. "You left me and got married", he says.
"Wh-WHAT??" She can not hide how surprise she is hearing that nonsense.
"Just kidding," he laughs again. "I'm getting married", he continues abritrary.
Well that escalated quickly, didn't it? She whispers to herself.

She contemplates a bit about how she should respond. She naturally feels that she needs closure with this guy. She hates not having everything out in the open. She also hates playing games like this. They might never see each other anymore, so what is there to lose to talk and discuss about what happened in the past? She is already married, and he is getting married anyway. So.... it's a win-win,  really.... at least for her.

"Let's sit a bit and chat," she tells him.
Surprisingly, he agrees.
They sit in the outermost table near the door looking out to the shop's veranda.
"How is married life?" he opens the conversation.
"Lovely actually, much better than I expected," she answers honestly.
"What did you expect, really?" he replies.
You're not the one who is supposed to be asking questions here, she thinks to herself.
"Well.. like you probably has figured out.. At that time, I expect YOU would do something... so I never thought I would end up marrying my hubby. But, thanks to you I have a perfect husband, " she answers cynically. And she follows through with a plain laugh.
He looks a bit startled. "I know," he said.

He knows and he did all that push-and-pull thing with me. He knows, and yet he never, not even once, tried to settle things with me, she thinks angrily.

"I was about to ask you out, but then I changed my mind... You're too good of a friend, and I wasn't ready to move on so I didn't want to hurt you," he continues,

She just scoffs because she cannot believe what she hears.
Well, you should at least tell me the situation. You should at least try and make everything clear. But no, you chose to keep me hanging. You chose to keep me as one of your spare. She almost blurts everything out, but she knows better. None of it is of any use.

"You know who I'm trying to move on from right? I told you everything about her. If not because of time, I would probably couldn't even propose to my current fiancee. Even until now I still remember her. She left me with a deep scar and it's not easy to get out of that scar. I was trying to move closer to you, but then I didn't. And then you got married and I thought I should probably got married too. And so my friend introduced me to a girl, and I took a leap of faith. I told myself I'd just see where things go. And so we dated a few months. Then, I am where I am," he said.

What a douche, she smirks unconsciously.

"Well.. there's no use talking about it now. We're both heading to our own happy marriage. At least I know I am. And I hope you would too," she tells him. She gets out of her chair, purchase her opera cake, and wave him goodbye. Forever,
On her way home, she just feels so glad that everything with him is over. She is relieved that she picked her husband over that man.
If I married him, then I would probably be just like his fiancee.. An alternative of another woman. A back up plan. She feels sorry for the girl. She can't imagine getting into a marriage with that mindset-- not fully loving your spouse.
At least I know that he views a marriage only as a status. He married someone he is not in love with. He married someone because it is time to get married. I can't imagine being married to that kind of man. I can't imagine committing to someone without giving all my heart for them. I can't imagine having loose ends like that and decide to marry a girl. Isn't that too cruel? What does he think of his wife? A trophy? she mumbles.
But then that's it. She has nothing to do with him anymore. She is fine. She is married to a loving and honorable man. She is in love and her heart is throbbing with excitement. She is glad. She has completed her painting and she has thrown away the palette.



We don't need to have all the same preferences to like a person-- not only as a lover, but also as friends-- do we?
Some might prefer their coffee with cream, some might think that coffee should be black. But we can still have the same favorite coffee shop, can't we?
A bit trivial. But still...

Some might think of love as an adventure. A quest. A journey where you fool around and play before you settle down (or perhaps never settle forever). While others might take love a bit more seriously. Think of each relationships as sacred, fell head over heels in love everytime, and probably save their first kiss for their true love.
But still... we all fell in and out of love, don't we?
Some might live freely. Not caring about money, or having a landed house, or sport cars. And others might planned their life so very carefully... knowing all the tiny bits they want in life, when they want it, and where they want it to be. But still.. no one can live forever, can't we?

Some might go to the gym to look perfect in pictures, while others  simply don't give a damn. But our hearts still beat the same way, don't they?
We might not have the same principle in life. We might not agree on everything. But humans are just humans.
Flesh, bones, minds, hearts, stacks of bouncing emotions, and a pretty awesome species.
We have more in common than we are different. Fact, that is.
It's just sometimes we begin a relationship with a big spark, but as the relatonship grows and commitment sinks in, we forget to adjust the flame. The flame, that started out as a heart-throbbing sparks, can die down or combust everything.. All because we forget to stay sweet, to stay curious, to stay foolish, to stay romantic. All because, as the other person starts to walk closer, they also start to look less whimsical.
Friends. Lovers.
Enemies. Exes.
We have more in common than we are different. Unfortunate, that is,