A Small Window by The Bay

I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.

Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️