Partly Sunny

"Rather than the word 'sad' or 'depressed', I relate more to the word 'pain' and 'lonely'. Maybe that's why I dug a hole in my heart and burried all my scars there. Maybe I wanted them to decompose and one day flourish into something pretty. Ha! Who am I kidding, right?" 

Lavender

As I walked down that aisle, I thought to myself.. "This is it. Finally, somebody will hold my hand forever. He will take care of me. He will be the support I've never had. He will be someone who listen to my worries. He will be someone who help me find true happiness."
But, boy I was wrong.

I have never felt so meaningless. You made me feel as though I am replaceable.
After I'm fucked, I am discarded, ain't I?
You show nice gestures and cares, only if you want something in return, don't you?

Never have you ever treated me like a real spouse. Like a human. Like someone who mean something. Never. Not once.

Sun Flower

Dear, Self...
Why are you always so sad and lonely? Why are you so negative and angry? Why can't you be normal and happy?
Have you lost the spark? Is life totally  uninteresting to you?
Please stop thinking about death. There is nothing quick, pretty, or painless way of death. So please stop thinking about it.
I know that you are in pain. I know you just want everything to go away. I know living is hard. But please hang on... Things will get better, I promise.
I know that you feel lonely. I know you feel like nobody cares. I know you feel like you fight the world alone and no one ease your burden. But someone will come and hold your hand someday, I promise.

Dear, self...
Allow life to proof you wrong. Give it some time to show you that everything is better than death. Please... stop planning your death. Just, please.
Would you please silence that voice in your head- the one who keep whispering about pitch darkness?
You are fine... You are doing great.. You are loved.. You are important.
Please.. stop thinking about suicide.. Allow yourself to appreciate and celebrate YOU.

I love you...

John - Chapter 4

Grace Kelly

She was pretty. I knew that. And that was probably why a lot of boys in highschool liked her.
She was also rich. At least, that was what everyone else assumed. Because she had a driver. And her parents had a Mercedes Benz.
A lot of girls thought she was arrogant. Because she didn't interact well with people. She was hated by them. And there were a lot of rumors about her.
.
However, after knowing her more, I began to understand her more. But I didn't think I loved her. So, why did I ask her to go to the movies with me? I had tons of friends, so why her? Why did I contact her everyday? Why did I act so nice to her all of a sudden?
.
Ding! My phone rang. She replied my text.

I was just procrastinating all day. Having random thoughts. She said answering my previous question.
What were you thinking about all day? I text her back.
Just things. My parents. My brother. My friends. She replied.
Aren't you bored? I know I am. Want to go to the mal with me tomorrow? 

She didn't answer for an hour, then she said, Okay. But let's not watch movies again. Let's just chill and talk.
And an ocean of joy overwhelmed me. She said yes again!
.
The next day, we wandered here and there in the mal, but she looked unexcited. "Is something wrong? Are you tired?" I asked.
"Can we sit down a bit," she said as she sat down on a bench.

I looked at her mien. She noticed and gave me a plain smile.
"My mom is getting a divorce," she said. "I think it is for the best," she continued.
I looked away. I never really knew what to say in this kind of talk. My family was happy, so it was hard to completely understand her situation.
"I haven't told anyone. Not even my bestfriends," she said. My heart skipped a beat. "But truthfully... I couldn't handle it on my own. And that's probably why I'm telling you out of the blue."

I looked at her face once more, and tried to remember her face during our school years. She never looked troubled. She acted mostly normal, despite having lots of hater. And even now, despite what she said, she looked fine.
"Me and my brother.. we're going with our mom," she smirked. "We probably will move to a smaller house. And I probably should get used to taking public transports.. not having a maid.. helping out with chores.." she said, looking up to the ceiling. "It will be a big change"

I was just silent. I didn't really know how to respond.
"We will probably be fine tho..." she said while smiling. Now looking at my eyes. "Thankyou for listening." She got up and asked me to walk with her.

I felt stupid. I felt immature because I knew, at first, I was contacting her only out of curiosity. But the more I knew her, the more I realized that she was facing grown-ups problem when she was supposed to be enjoying life--just like me and any other young adults our age.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I said. 
Blurted it out of the blue.
Even before I was able to process anything in my head.

She looked at me bewildered. And then she smiled, "If you are doing this out of pity, please know I don't need it." She said.
"I am not," I said. Surprising myself even more. Startled by the fact that my mouth actually worked faster than my brain. What am I doing?! I think to myself.

"I know that you are approaching Jane right now. She told me everything." She said.
I was shocked, but before I could answer, she continued, "Even if you're not... I don't think this is the right time for a relationship.." she paused. "You will be going to a different city for college. And I will be here. And.. I honestly think that you are not built for long distance relationship."
I just stood there as she walked away.

She never said she refused because she doesn't like me tho... so there's still hope, I think to myself as I head home.
.

I continued contacting her despite what happened. She never brought that 'situation' up and neither did I.
We just talked like we normally did.
She told me that she was moving out of her house in a few days, and we shared our simple daily life with each other as friends.
I never really figured out why I asked her to be my girlfriend. I wasn't sure about how I felt either.

Then on my last day before going to college, I asked her to meet again.

"Are you treating me to a goodbye lunch?" She said when she arrived at the restaurant. I nodded.
We talked about random trivial things as we eat.

"Have you move out yet?" I asked.
"Next week. The house is a lot smaller but I think we will be fine," she answered.
"I'll go for college tomorrow. And I'll probably come back whenever I miss my mom," I said.

I looked at her small figure.. her dimples.. and her fair skin..
I couldn't help but to notice how we had come much closer than when we were in highschool.

"Are you sure you don't want to be my girlfriend?" I asked her while trying to sound calm.
She choked a bit, and then she giggled, "John... the question is.. are you sure you want to be my boyfriend?" She said.

I probably looked puzzled, so she continued, "I am not normal, John.. My life is twisted and full of drama.. and I am used to it.. but how about you? Are you ready to get into my drama?" She looked sharp into my eyes, "I will probably call you one night to cry about my crazy dad... And you will soon realize how I am a 'difficult' girl.." She tried reading my expression, while I tried not to make one, "Then you will see your new friends in college.. and find a cool pretty girl that you like.. and compare her to me.. and of course I will lose! So you will want to be with her... And me? I will just end up being the girl who gets her heart broken again," she said.

I stayed silent for a whole minute. And then I said, "But we'll never know before we try," I looked straight back into her eyes. "What if I turn out to be a good boyfriend? Someone who won't hurt you? Someone who you can count on? Someone you can call at night and cry about your crazy dad?"

She smiled, "There is that posibility, right? But I'm sorry John.. I just can't take any risk right now... You will probably be happier with Jane anyway... She likes you a lot."

To be continued....

John - Chapter 3

Hurt

"Hi! Sorry I'm late. What are we watching?" I said when I saw him in the long queue.
"I'm thinking some action movies. Is that okay? Or do you prefer something more girly?" he answered.
"I'm fine with anything. You pick!  I'll buy us some popcorn," I ran  as fast as I could to the counter. Avoiding a longer talk because I felt awkward and I was too nervous.
.
.
The movie didn't start in 2 hours, so we walked to a nearby restaurant because he said he was hungry. I was not, so I only ordered some snack and watched him eat.

He is skinny but he eats so well. I thought to myself.
"When will college start?," he started the conversation. Probably to clear the air from the thick awkward moment.
"Not until next month. You?"
"Me too. But I will need to go earlier because I need to find a place," he answered with an eye smile behind his hipster eyeglasses.
"It must be exciting right? Being on your own in another city?"
"Mm.. Yes it probably is..," again, he answered with an eye smile.
But there is a suffocating awkward silence after that. I continued snacking and he continued eating.
I know this would happen! We weren't close, so we have nothing to talk about!!! I screamed in my head. Imagining punching myself.

"Do you keep in touch with him?" He asked. Starting another conversation.
"You mean your bestfriend? No I don't." I said. But my answer was not completely honest, so I continued. "Well.. actually at first I contacted him often," I smiled unconciously because I felt naive, and then I continued, "Because he was my first love and it's hard to let go... mm... to move on." I paused. "But the more we talked, the more I realized that he had no intention to start over.." I let out a sad smirk. "I realized that he moved on far before the breakup"

He observed my face. I thought he was trying to figure out what to say, but then he asked, "Why did you break up with him?"
I deliberated whether to aswer him honestly or not because I wasn't sure whether he was asking because he cared or because he meant malice.But eventually I decided that I didn't really care and I just answered honestly. "At first I convinced myself that I wanted this breakup because I needed to concentrate on my study. But now that I've come to term with everything, I can proudly admit that my heart was broken" I said.

"He broke your heart? Really?" He sounded skeptical.
I could smell doubt from his tone of voice. So I sneered, "I know no one would believe me. Well, He is the kind-hearted popular guy. While I am just the misfit who was lucky enough to get him. That's what everyone thinks"
He didn't answer. I guessed he couldn't say that I was wrong.

"He flirted with other girls," I told him.
His eyes widened in disbelief. Just like I thought anyone would. "For real?" He asked.
"He flirted with my bestfriend," I paused to ease my aching fresh wound, "Who told me that he also flirted with some other freshmen"
His eyes widened more. Just like I thought. No one would believe that that guy was capable of any of that.

After afew minute, he said, "But still... it was just flirting. Uncomfirmed flirting... Flirting that you did not see with your own two eyes, right?"
I scoffed. My eyes wondered some place else. I was thinking where to start so that I didn't sound broken in front of him. "At that time, my parents were in a very rough place." I started, "My dad messed up... Uhm, he cheated," I paused. Trying to breath normally. Trying to hold my tears.
"My family was unstable. And it's been like that for a long time. But at that time... it was worse than before. And I was actually lost, devastated, and disappointed... And your friend.. well, he was the only one I told about everything. I even cried in front of him" I stopped talking and sneered. Just realizing how silly I was, "Actually... what hurt me the most was the fact that I trusted him.. with my worries.. and everything.. And I didn't do that to just anyone," I paused again because I could feel my tears started to dwell. "So yeah, 'just' flirting was not 'just' flirting for me.." I let out a cold laugh, "Flirting is the beginning of it, John... And he could actually cheat.. which he might.... And, at the time I honestly didn't have the strength to handle that kind of pain. Especially when it comes from someone so dear to my heart. Someone I trust."

He was just silent. For a long time. Maybe he still didn't believe me. But who cares.
"I'm sorry. He is still your friend. I don't mean to badmouth him," I said. Trying to clear the air.
But he was still silent. And I didn't really know what to say to ease the awkwardness. Until he said, "In highschool.... umm.. I knew there was something happening with your family. Mm.. I heard rumors... and I kind of guessed..."
I smiled because I was not surprise. "I know..." I said. "In our second year, when you asked me why me and my mom stayed at my grandparents'... I told you that my grandma was ill... But I actually lied, and I know you know that I lied."
He put his face down. Looking at the table.
I thought he didn't really know how to respond.
"Actually, when you asked, I was startled. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out the very first thing I wanted to believe.... that everything is okay... that we moved out to take care of grandma," I continued while letting out another cold laugh, "But really, who am I kidding? We moved out because my father cheated... because he was becoming unfamiliar... hhh...because he was violent". I admitted.
He muttered some words then said, "Actually I was asking because I know," his eyes wondered. Avoiding me. "Now that I think of it... I was such a jerk.. I should have think about how you'd feel... But, at that time, I probably was trying to humiliate you."
He looked sorry. But I didn't think he should be. Maybe because I already knew everything he was saying. I already knew that he was a bully. I already knew that he was trying to be mean. It's nothing new. He had done it before. Not once, not twice, but so many times.... 

So why now? Why today? Why do you ask me to come today? Why me? Didnt you have tons of friends? Are you trying to be mean again? Are you trying to humiliate me again? Are you trying to see if I would fall for you? Are you trying to hurt me?  Are you trying to gather information about me and then laugh about it with your peer? Those were the questions I had but never able to ask that day. I was foolish... All I did was swallowed them.

To be continued....

John - Chapter 2

Style

I remember the last time I was chasing a girl down the hallway. She was my girlfriend in college. The girl who had a tall wall surrounding her. The girl who reminded me that I was such a coward in highschool. Well, I probably still am.
.
.
She was unique.
She was not popular among girls. She was not 'cool'. But so many boys were drawn to her. And she rejected most of them.

I was shallow.
I was the highschool bully who said mean things to every misfits I met. And I was proud because I thought I was cool.
.
I didn't really notice her at first. I was busy making poems for an older girl I had a crush on.
She was just my close friend's girlfriend. A misfit girl who manage to get one of the 'Top 10'.
He said she was weird. That she was insecure and capricious. That she was in a highschool-rebel phase against her parents. That she was problematic and hard to deal with but he was going to try anyway.
I shrugged him off. Saying that to me she sounded just like another teenage girl.
.
One day, she broke up with him for the third time in a year. But this time, he said it was for real. He said that it was too tiring.
And I started to become curious. I started to notice her. The highschool misfit who decided to broke up with a popular guy.
.
After a while and a few small talks, I found out that she was enticing. That she had so many layers attached to her. Probably too many.
One day I asked to borrow her note and found out that she made a list of handsome males at school. I was one of them. And I was on top of the list.

I actually scoffed. I thought that she was hunting cool boys. I thought that she was shallow. Just like me.
.
But I was foolish.


To be continued...

John - Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

I remember the last time a boy came running after me down the hallway. 
He grabbed my wrist. Shouted my name. Asked me to listen to whatever lies he was trying to say. 
But my eyes saw what it saw. And my heart was already broken. Just like the trust I once gave him.

His name was John.
.
.
We started out as classmates.
He was an overachieving popular kid in highschool.
I was an outcast. A somehow popular misfit.
He was the golden boy in my class. Smart, confident, sociable, a good writer, and the alpha male.
I was a staging tree in school play. A quiet popular one, somehow. Had a substantial amount of male fans.
.
.
He hungout with a bunch of popular boys. People called them the 'Top 10'.
I hungout with a small circle of friends. Some were pretty enough to be popular among boys, but never among girls.
.
One of John's friend was my first love. A cheating good guy who broke my heart into atomic pieces.
Well, I admit. I was difficult to deal with. I would broke my heart if I was him.
.
In highschool, eventho John and I were classmates, we were not close.
We talked from time to time, but nothing particularly special.
However, a few days after graduation, he started texting me.
He never texted me before.
.
The conversation started from random small talks. Then it became more frequent and ongoing. Until one day, he asked me to go watch a movie with him. Just the two of us.
.
I was negligent. I didn't really want to go, but I also needed an escape from home. I didn't want to sent him the wrong message, but I was wondering why he asked me.
Eventually, I made a mistake.
I decided to come. I thought, eventho he was annoying and he was somewhat a bully in highschool, he was actually pretty decent to me. So I came to the movies. And I dressed up. And I saw him standing there. With his cheeky smile and bespectacled chiseled jawline. And he was dazzling. And I was stunned for a second, admiring the way he dressed himself, how it was so boyfriend material.
Later, I realize that I was foolish.
.

To be continued....

Arina Galak Sekali

Kenapa Tuhan tetap memberi kebahagiaan pada orang yang jahat? Kenapa hidup mereka dan keturunannya tidak terus menerus sengsara saja?
.
“Pfft, pasti dipikirnya dia istimewa karena lagi laku, jijik banget!” lagi-lagi sindiran. Laku, katanya. Seolah-oleh aku barang yang dipajang untuk dijual di toko.

“Kamu menang lomba? Aku sih bingungnya kenapa kamu bisa teriak segitu kenceng kayak monyet di hutan,” begitu katanya di waktu lain. Aku yang tadinya bangga, malah berubah menjadi malu. Kenangan yang buatku bagus, malah berubah jadi busuk.
Begitulah dia dan teman-temannya. Suka berkerumun, mengobrol sambil menyindir, membuat orang merasa terasing.

Dia dan teman-temannya tidak suka aku. Orang yang lain tahu, melihat, tapi diam saja dan ikut mengasingkan. Mungkin mereka takut mengulurkan tangannya. Takut tertular.
Begitulah realitanya. Sepanjang di sekolah aku menghadapi remaja-remaja yang tidak menganggapku teman. Diberi peran sebagai pohon saat drama. Diminta menari di depan orang-orang, walaupun aku tidak bisa
Aku bukan satu-satunya. Ada beberapa anak lain  yang juga diperlakukan dengan buruk. Sering dicaci maki karena bentuk kepala yang aneh, kacamata yang tebal, atau muka yang berjerawat.
Mungkin beginilah tantangan yang dialami semua orang yang tumbuh dewasa. Aku juga tidak yakin.

Pulang ke rumah, yang kudapat juga ayah-ibu yang berteriak atau saling memukul. Jadi aku harus lari kemana?
.
.
Kukira saat lulus dari sekolah ini akhirnya aku lepas dari mereka. Tapi tidak. Mereka datang ke rumahku dengan alasan ‘silaturahmi’.
Ibuku mengira mereka teman-temanku. Ibuku senang karena dia pikir luka hatiku akan menjadi lebih ringan dengan kedatangan orang-orang itu. Dan aku ingat sekali, bagaimana ibuku memasak makanan sampai lelah, untuk mereka yang memberi neraka padaku setiap hari.
Aku sempat bingung tentang tujuan mereka datang ke rumahku. Tapi akhirnya aku tahu. Mereka mau mencemooh keluargaku yang hancur berantakan. Mereka mau bergunjing lagi tentang hidupku yang jauh dari kesempurnaan. Mereka berfoto, dan aku akan diletakkan di belakang.

Begitulah. Dari mereka aku belajar apa itu teman. Dari orang-orang jahat aku belajar untuk memiliki lingkaran yang sempit dan kecil. Dari pengalaman buruk yang mereka berikan aku belajar membalas dendam.
.
.
Kenapa Tuhan tetap membiarkan orang jahat hidup biasa saja tanpa setiap detiknya memikirkan dampak perbuatan mereka pada orang lain? Kenapa Tuhan membiarkan orang jahat dan mereka yang hanya menonton hidup bebas tanpa perlu meminta maaf?
.
Arina galak sekali, begitu katanya. Iya aku tahu. Tapi apa kamu tahu kalau kamu buruk semuanya, terutama hatimu?

How Can I Be Bigger Than The Moon?

Tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon
and untangled
and smooth
and at ease
when the world is just so chaotic?

How can I be sweeter than a sugar rush
when the world is torturing
constantly stabbing
and continously being strenuous?

How can I be free
and radiant
and immortal
when life is pitch black and concealed?

I tried to fix the broken light bulbs
instead of demolishing the house.
Yet the light is faint.

So tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon?
How can you?

I See Your Smile and The World Is Well

Please...
Keep the noise in
my head down.
The rustling
The echoes
The splashes.

I want to sleep
without having to
count the sheeps.

I want my world
to be happy
and smells like
pinacolada.

Please...
Be silent for once.
I need the peace
and the quiet.
I need to be un-
anxious.