John - Chapter 3

Hurt

"Hi! Sorry I'm late. What are we watching?" I said when I saw him in the long queue.
"I'm thinking some action movies. Is that okay? Or do you prefer something more girly?" he answered.
"I'm fine with anything. You pick!  I'll buy us some popcorn," I ran  as fast as I could to the counter. Avoiding a longer talk because I felt awkward and I was too nervous.
.
.
The movie didn't start in 2 hours, so we walked to a nearby restaurant because he said he was hungry. I was not, so I only ordered some snack and watched him eat.

He is skinny but he eats so well. I thought to myself.
"When will college start?," he started the conversation. Probably to clear the air from the thick awkward moment.
"Not until next month. You?"
"Me too. But I will need to go earlier because I need to find a place," he answered with an eye smile behind his hipster eyeglasses.
"It must be exciting right? Being on your own in another city?"
"Mm.. Yes it probably is..," again, he answered with an eye smile.
But there is a suffocating awkward silence after that. I continued snacking and he continued eating.
I know this would happen! We weren't close, so we have nothing to talk about!!! I screamed in my head. Imagining punching myself.

"Do you keep in touch with him?" He asked. Starting another conversation.
"You mean your bestfriend? No I don't." I said. But my answer was not completely honest, so I continued. "Well.. actually at first I contacted him often," I smiled unconciously because I felt naive, and then I continued, "Because he was my first love and it's hard to let go... mm... to move on." I paused. "But the more we talked, the more I realized that he had no intention to start over.." I let out a sad smirk. "I realized that he moved on far before the breakup"

He observed my face. I thought he was trying to figure out what to say, but then he asked, "Why did you break up with him?"
I deliberated whether to aswer him honestly or not because I wasn't sure whether he was asking because he cared or because he meant malice.But eventually I decided that I didn't really care and I just answered honestly. "At first I convinced myself that I wanted this breakup because I needed to concentrate on my study. But now that I've come to term with everything, I can proudly admit that my heart was broken" I said.

"He broke your heart? Really?" He sounded skeptical.
I could smell doubt from his tone of voice. So I sneered, "I know no one would believe me. Well, He is the kind-hearted popular guy. While I am just the misfit who was lucky enough to get him. That's what everyone thinks"
He didn't answer. I guessed he couldn't say that I was wrong.

"He flirted with other girls," I told him.
His eyes widened in disbelief. Just like I thought anyone would. "For real?" He asked.
"He flirted with my bestfriend," I paused to ease my aching fresh wound, "Who told me that he also flirted with some other freshmen"
His eyes widened more. Just like I thought. No one would believe that that guy was capable of any of that.

After afew minute, he said, "But still... it was just flirting. Uncomfirmed flirting... Flirting that you did not see with your own two eyes, right?"
I scoffed. My eyes wondered some place else. I was thinking where to start so that I didn't sound broken in front of him. "At that time, my parents were in a very rough place." I started, "My dad messed up... Uhm, he cheated," I paused. Trying to breath normally. Trying to hold my tears.
"My family was unstable. And it's been like that for a long time. But at that time... it was worse than before. And I was actually lost, devastated, and disappointed... And your friend.. well, he was the only one I told about everything. I even cried in front of him" I stopped talking and sneered. Just realizing how silly I was, "Actually... what hurt me the most was the fact that I trusted him.. with my worries.. and everything.. And I didn't do that to just anyone," I paused again because I could feel my tears started to dwell. "So yeah, 'just' flirting was not 'just' flirting for me.." I let out a cold laugh, "Flirting is the beginning of it, John... And he could actually cheat.. which he might.... And, at the time I honestly didn't have the strength to handle that kind of pain. Especially when it comes from someone so dear to my heart. Someone I trust."

He was just silent. For a long time. Maybe he still didn't believe me. But who cares.
"I'm sorry. He is still your friend. I don't mean to badmouth him," I said. Trying to clear the air.
But he was still silent. And I didn't really know what to say to ease the awkwardness. Until he said, "In highschool.... umm.. I knew there was something happening with your family. Mm.. I heard rumors... and I kind of guessed..."
I smiled because I was not surprise. "I know..." I said. "In our second year, when you asked me why me and my mom stayed at my grandparents'... I told you that my grandma was ill... But I actually lied, and I know you know that I lied."
He put his face down. Looking at the table.
I thought he didn't really know how to respond.
"Actually, when you asked, I was startled. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out the very first thing I wanted to believe.... that everything is okay... that we moved out to take care of grandma," I continued while letting out another cold laugh, "But really, who am I kidding? We moved out because my father cheated... because he was becoming unfamiliar... hhh...because he was violent". I admitted.
He muttered some words then said, "Actually I was asking because I know," his eyes wondered. Avoiding me. "Now that I think of it... I was such a jerk.. I should have think about how you'd feel... But, at that time, I probably was trying to humiliate you."
He looked sorry. But I didn't think he should be. Maybe because I already knew everything he was saying. I already knew that he was a bully. I already knew that he was trying to be mean. It's nothing new. He had done it before. Not once, not twice, but so many times.... 

So why now? Why today? Why do you ask me to come today? Why me? Didnt you have tons of friends? Are you trying to be mean again? Are you trying to humiliate me again? Are you trying to see if I would fall for you? Are you trying to hurt me?  Are you trying to gather information about me and then laugh about it with your peer? Those were the questions I had but never able to ask that day. I was foolish... All I did was swallowed them.

To be continued....