A Small Window by The Bay

I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.

Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️

Sendiri

Kenapa hari ini
rasanya sendiri sekali?

Besar berat kotornya
dipikul dalam sepi.

Antagonis

Bibir merah marun,
Hati penuh dendam,
Pikiran diracuni kebencian.

Tapi tidak selalu begini.

Parut yang didapat sembari melangkah pergi
Dan kenangan buruk yang sulit dihapus sendiri
Membuat harapan baik melapuk.

Di ujung hari, hanya antagonis yang diadili.
Yang lain luput. Enggan mengerti.

.

Versi lainnya (dalam bahasa Inggris) :

God, why was I not built less broken? If I didn’t  have too many flaws, I wouldn't be excluded. Maybe I would be invited to parties, had lots of friends, not be left out to sit alone and judged. Maybe I would grow happier, more proud, more optimistic. Maybe my heart wouldn’t hurt this much, and my wall wouldn’t be this high.
Or is all this because I was evil? Is it because I deserved to be ostracized and grew alone?

Remember My Love Letters

Dear, Ciara.

It’s 4 in the morning, 15 years after I sent you my first ever love letter. Do you remember me?

The moments I had with you is certainly one of the most interesting in my life. Me, first time being a secret admirer. Me, secretly sending you chocolate and love letters. Me, rejected.

Honestly, for a boy that young, being rejected was humiliating. Even more so after I knew why.
I was so angry. I wanted to hit Charles’s head with a hammer. Hahahahaha.

I felt even more betrayed when I heard you broke up with him. I knew I was better. I knew I would treat you better. But you told me I never had a chance. Dang, you were harsh.

How are you? Do you get to do what you always wanted? Do you find someone who makes you happy and complete?
Charles live a crappy life now, hahahahaha. Do you even care?
I live wonderfully, though. I have a pretty wife and twin girls. Do you even care?

I do care, Ciara. I hope you are well and happy. I hope this is still your address.
Do reply if you don’t mind. It won’t hurt playing nice with me for once.


Warm regards,
Billy