After Highschool Graduation...

 

Photo credit to hubby

A few weeks after highschool graduation, when I was still going through some hard exams for MedSchool, one of my high school classmate (who was also one of my ex's close friend), suddenly started to contact me--The "unusual" kind of keeping in touch, if you know what I mean.:p
Until... at some point, he asked me to go out to see a movie with him.
Um... Watching movie... Just the two of us......... Sounded kind of like a date for me. So I politely declined.
Why? Not because I wasn't interested in him, BUT because at that time I was also going through some hard changes in my life. My parents were going through a divorce. My grandpa passed away. I was juggling between keeping my mind straight, my somewhat new circumstances, and things I should let go.
Another reason was--and this was the main reason--because I heard he (let's just call him : John) was also currently flirting with another girl (and, let's just call her : Jane).
Jane contacted me so vigorously because she wanted to make sure that John really was a playboy-wannabe. And I was a bit heartbroken. Not because I actually liked him, but because during that period I kind of loss faith in men (thanks to my dad infidelity), and John just made it worse.(I mean, come one! flirting with two girls at the same time?! how is that okay???)
 
In high school, John and I were never close. We spent the whole hischool years attending the same class, but we were never best-friends. We never spent time alone. Never really talked that much. Never really saw each other eye to eye. So I found it kind of bizarre when he contacted me out of the blue. And also the fact that he was one of my ex's close friend, um, made me kind of thought that he must've hated me.. or at least heard some shitty things about my personality.

At some point in high school, I actually wrote in my journal that he was one of the most handsome boy in school, and he knew that because he read it, but that was it
 There were also times when he wrote some poem for his older-girl crush and showed me, and I admired his poetic ability, but that was that. Never more.
So, I never saw any romantic intention coming from him during our high school days. That was why I was kind of surprised, startled, and taken aback when he suddenly asked me out.

In high school, I considered John a bully. He liked to make fun of people. He was also rude and inconsiderate. That was one of the reason why we were never close.
He was also someone who loved to be on the spotlight. While me-- well, I was that girl who acted as a staging tree in high school play. :)) We didn't match at all-- at least according to me.

From what I remembered, after I refused his invitation for a movie, we grew apart naturally. And he never tried to contact me anymore, and neither do I.
I never really got to find out or ask what his real intention was. I never got to hear his side of the story. And I never knew why he contacted me out of the blue. Was he really flirting with me or was I just went over my head? Was he really flirting with Jane also, or was it a false accusation? Was he really a playboy- a jerk- a cheater, like how I thought he was? Or was he actually just a bored good friend of mine? If he intended to build a relationship with me, how did he think we would manage the long distance relationship? (he was going to college abroad anyway, so why bother?)  Why did he never showed any romantic intention in high school? Was I not 'cool' enough?

I know it's a bit strange that I wrote about some random encounter in the past when I already have a husband and build a family. But, these kind of life story are those mostly inspire me when I write fictional love stories. I usually imagine the possibilities : what would happen if I accepted his request and went to watch a movie with him? what if I decided to go out with him? would he broke my heart? would I have the strength to mend my heart when I had so much going on with my life? would he turned out to be a jerk, like how I thought he was? would he turned out to be charming and took good care of me? would we survive the long-distance relationship? what kind of boyfriend would he be? the caring one? the cool one? the romantic one? if we got married, what kind of dynamic would we have? --> These sort of things got me curious and inspire me to write fictions. So, thank you, John!

Anyway, I am still very curious about what really happened back then... So John, if you accidentally read this blog : Hello!.

Empty Seats

I've met a lot of people in my life who I love soooo much..'till the point that I thought they would forever be by my side.

I innocently believe that we would always be together.. going through all the hardships and moments.
Growing up. Growing old. Sharing memories and years.

Never imagined that we would grow so much apart...t ill the point that they become an empty seat in the past.. missing sooo much of each other's life..
Missing weddings.. heart breaks.. sadness.. tears of joy.. despair..

It's not like our bridges are already burned.
It's just adulthood taking its toll.

Time passes by. Moments un-noticed. Pictures fade. The bridge gets old and rusty.

But believe me. I remember you from time to time.

The youths. The childhood memories. The hard and loud laughters. The irresistable freedoms of teen.
The boundless smiles.. And memories.. And warm relationships.. And heartfelt raw hugs that are so rare right now (in adulthood).

We were, once, so close.
Our heart used to cuddle.

Perhaps that's why I still smile everytime I remember you.

Remembrance

And among the fragments and ruins
Of black and white cogitation..
Of colorful and vibrant grief...

I discover myself longing for the same memories

-----

Dan di antara kepingan-kepingan
Dan reruntuhan-reruntuhan
Renungan yang hitam-putih
Dan duka yang berwarna menyala

Kutemukan diriku mengais kenangan yang sama

♡Q♡

Promise Her The Moon #3

Chasing Pavement 2/2

14th April 2013, just some other night after her shift in the ER. On her way home...

She is currently stuck in traffic. Along with, like, hundreds other cars. It has been 2 hours but the traffic hasn't shown any sign of getting better. Her car only move inch by inch, and she is sure that walking will get her home faster than driving.
Argh! What the hell happened?!!! She snorts, looking away to her side window. A couple is in a car next to hers, and they're acting all lovey-dovey.
What are you?! Teenager or something?! She snorts again at the sight of them kissing.

Her phone rings. A phone call from her fiancee. "Good timing!" she says as she picks up the phone.
"Are you home? I heard there's a terrible traffic near the hospital," he says.
She puts him on speaker and turns down the radio, "Noooo!!!" she replies childishly.
He laughs, "So are you stuck in traffic?" He asks.
"Yep! And some teenager in the car next to me is making out!" she replies even more childishly.
"Ah.. my poor fiancee.. I wish I was there so we could show them how to make out. Properly. Like an adult," he says mischievously.
"Meh.. I'm hanging up.." she answers as if she hates it, but she would like it, really.
They giggle.
"Okay, then. Drive safe. And text me when you're home," he says, then quickly adds "I love you!"
She blushes, "I love you more.." she replies softly.

I can't believe I broke up with him! She says to herself with a smile from ear to ear and a pinkish cheek.

A lot has happened since their date on her birthday. Life changing memories-- at least for her. She realized a lot of things. Things which, in their 5 years history, never crossed her mind.

After that day, they went on several more dates, and she fell in love with him once more. All over again.

She's not exactly sure when it all started. Just... at some point, she realized that her heart started racing whenever they hold hands.. and her cheek started to blush whenever he looked at her a certain way.
Then, one day, on their date to the beach near his home, she just said "I love you" unconsciously. And he smiled at her so warmly that it melted her heart. And... they kissed. Soft and slowly. As if it was their first and last kiss. As if the world stood still and the time paused. As if his lips wouldn't turned orange and his peppermint-scent would forever be hers. And, as if she wouldn't faint if her heart rates went even higher.

She holds her warm rosy cheeks as their kiss comes to her memory in a flash. She grabs her phone again, browses through her gallery, trying to distract her own brain.
'So, this is how it feels like to have a fiancee and plan your own wedding. I am forever grateful and happy' she writes on her Instagram along with a picture of her engagement ring.

I am such a brag! She amuses herself on the thought of her jealous friends and families.

She continues to drive carefully among this terrible traffic jam. She pulls her hand break on and off because her feet starts to feel tired and she grows even more sleepy.

Why did I break up with him? Is he always this handsome, and sweet, and kind, and just amazing! A random thought suddenly crosses her mind.

How come I never noticed how sweet he is before? We dated for 5 years for f* sake! She lectures herself about how dumb she was. And how ungrateful she was.

She remembers how, after she accepted his proposal, he said thankyou  for, like, a thousand times.
And she remembers how, after their kiss on the beach near his home, he pulled something out of his inside pocket. A ring.
"I have been keeping this for a long time," he said.
She then asked why. "Because I was affraid," he answered. And she then asked another question, "affraid of what?"
She remembers how he paused for a long time, just staring at her eyes with his left arm hugging her hips. "I'm affraid.. that if I propose to you again.. like officially propose.. with roses and a ring.. i'm affraid that you will run away--that you will change your mind," he replied.
She remembers laughing, but her heart was aching, and then she said, "Don't be silly!"

The night grows deeper and the traffic has gotten a lot better.
Ah! I feel exhausted. I just wanna go home and sleep... She pulls her hand break and massage her feet. Not long after, she finds a new notification on her Instagram. There's a comment on her recent picture. From him.

Her heart skips a beat.
Well, look who we have here. Ah -You. She can feel something chokes her throat on the thought of him.
What the... why now? She scratches her hair back and forth. Trying to calm her heart because her memories about him thundered in her mind, drowning her once more.
Should I open it? She hesitates.

She decides to open the comment and finds out what it says. 'I am so happy for you. Happy, yet sad at the same time,' he wrote.

W-What? Her pupils widened as she can not believe what she just read. That last sentence. She wonders what he meant by 'sad'.

She remembers a month ago, when she finally log on to Facebook after a long time to post her wedding invitation, she found his weird status on her home screen.
'I wish I could be your journey's end' it said. Dated just a few hours back.

She stares and stares at the Instagram comment for quiet some time.
Oh my god! She groans. You're still good at playing me, aren't you?! She groans again.

She wonders whether his Facebook status and Instagram comment might actually mean he has (or had) feelings for her. And she wonders whether she is, finally, breaking his heart.
Oh my god! She shrieks her heart out. Come on! What are your intentions, really!!! She shrieks again.

The night gets even more deeper and darker. And the traffic starts to unravel.
No! She says firmly.

I am not that girl anymore! I am not the one who will be swayed by you! She convinces herself.

What you feel. Or write. Doesn't matter to me anymore. She says it with confident.

I am too good for you. And you are no good for me. You do not deserve me! She is resolute and decisive.

I am getting married. And I moved on.

To be Continue...