Popcorn

Falling in love with you gives me so much pleasure. As if I'm eating a jumbo sized popcorn while laying in bed lazily and watching an award winning movie.

Falling in love with you is so effortless. Rare. Fulfilling. Beatify. Stimulating.

Like the crunch of my favorite salty popcorn.

Promise Her The Moon #2

Chasing Pavement* 1/2

11 November 2012, her birthday...


Her phone hasn't stop beeping since morning. A lot of people send their prayers and congratulations. A lot of people, but him.

What am I expecting? He never remembers.. She mumbles weakly.
She looks down upon her hands. Nothing is there. Nothing but emptiness and disappointment.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she says to the other guy- another him in her life. The one that proposed.
That guy asked her out for a date today. She didn't really want to go, but she didn't really have other plan, so...

"You went before, " he says. "Am I making you uncomfortable? Should we just go home?" he asks her. His face looks a bit sad, so she feels sorry for him, "I'm really trying so hard to not take too much of your time.." he continues. Talking so softly that she almost cannot hear him.

"No.. it's okay.." she answers halfheartedly.

He scratches his long wavy hair out of frustration.
"I know that you've grown out of love for me. I know that," he stops for a second, "but, I can't help and be sad because you haven't answer my proposal.." he looks at her in the eye. He sounds so helpless. Miserable. And it makes her feel even more guilty. "It's been two months," he murmurs to himself.

She looks back at him and wonders, Why can't I love him? We dated for 5 years.. Have I really grown out of love for him? She sighs.

Truthfully, this other guy looks okay. He is tall. Handsome. He has beautiful brown eyes. Kind. Understanding. And he seems like he is head over heel in love with her. So, she finds it strange that she spends most of her heart on a guy like him over this guy. A guy that never remembers her birthday and never seems to try... compared to this nice soft-hearted man, him is awful.

"Why do you like me so much?" She asks him out of curiosity. "You've spent 5 years dating me so you must've known already who I really am. I've told you my story, right? What happened to me in my childhood.. and what happened now... I'm not normal, you know.." She says.

He lowers his head. "Do you remember the first time we met?" he asks.
She answers him with a nod.
"I still remember it so clearly. As if it is not a memory.. As if it was yesterday," he says. "That day, you were surrounded by so many people, yet you stood out the most. You shone so much that I, unconsciously, drawn into you, " he paused with a somewhat bitter smile. "Five years and I know your stories? Yeah, that is true. And it's true it bothered me so much at first. But.. not because I thought of it as your flaw. Instead, I was just sad because I couldn't help you back then.. If only we met sooner, if only I was there.. I wouldn't let anyone touch you," he ended his sentence with a smirk.

She looks at his deep brown eyes. Somehow, it feels warm. And somehow, she wants to believe everything he just said.

"I know everything about you, y'know? Even the things you don't know about yourself.." he continues, "I know you like soft but bold colors, but you hate pastel," he giggles."I know your eyebrows have this weird shape when you lied. And you draw random doodles when you're anxious. And you drink a lot of bottled water, especially when you're sad.." he says.
"I know that you wanted to play piano again, but it reminded you about your father so much, and it made you sad, so you just let it go..." he moves his hand towards hers. She flinches.
"I know that you love the curve of your shoulder, and that is why you love wearing certain types of clothes.. And I know that you hate your forehead, but I think it's beautiful" he continues. "I can go on and on if you let me," he sighs.

Why are you so in love with me? Why can't he fall in love with me this way instead? She thinks to herself.

"I know you know it's the truth.." he says while giggling with his eye-smile. "I am madly in love with you, y'know?"
She answers with a sneer.
"Can't you try and love me again?," he asked. "I promise you, I'll make you happy. I won't ask anything from you. Really! You can do whatever you want, and just give me a chance to take care of you. I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to. So please... can't you at least try?" He sounds so pitiful, almost like he is begging.


She can feel that her heart starts to waver. Vacillate.
If only you were loving me like this.. If only you were trying to come after me like this... then my heart wouldn't be this broken, would it?
Or at least chase me! Tell me to be with you! Make me refuse his proposal!
You know I would run to you without thinking.
She says it silently,  deep in her heart-wishing him will, somehow, hear her telepathically.

"Honey.. I promise you'll be happier living with a man who loves you..more than than the man you love," he says, breaking the silence.

She lets out a deep sigh. What have I done in my life to deserve this kind of love?
She looks at his deep brown eyes once again. This kind of man seems to only come once in a lifetime, doesn't it?
She closes her eyes in tears. Perhaps, it's time for me to made up my mind.

"Will you really do that?" She asks him. A tear welled in the corner of her eyes.
He looks puzzled "W-what?"
"Make me happy and take care of me?" She answers.
"You're so precious to me.. so.. of course!" he says.

Well, I guess it's time to stop chasing pavement.


To be continue..

*Reference to Adele's  song intended

Cherries in The Bushes

Promise me that you will break my heart
Like cherries in the bushes

Paint the grave of my heart's left chamber
In pale orange
And keep the right chamber
Underneath fake grasses

Promise me that you will break my heart
So that my heels stopped dashing,
Like cherries in the bushes
Like guns and its ashes.

The Odds

When I love you, everything seems to fall into its place
The noise,
turns into serenity
The rumbling,
becomes at peace
No hassle.
All there is..
Is you and me,
Slow dancing against the stream

Promise Her The Moon #1

 PREVIEW 
Her : "Hi! You there?"
Him : "Yep! How are you?"
Her : "I'm good. Are you busy? Can we talk?"
Him : "I'm cooking dinner. But we can talk"
Her : "Somebody propose to me.."
Him : "..."
Her : "Are you eating now?"
Him : "Yeah..."
Him : "So, will you accept his proposal?"
Her : "I don't know yet. Should I?"
Him : "..."
Him : "Well, congratulation..."

===================================

PROLOG
  
During her shift in a drizzling September night 2012....

She looks at the ceiling with a blank stare. It is a very tiring night shift. Even though she is not the only doctors in charge, somehow she still feels exhausted. Drained.
Her partners are already asleep. She thinks they must've been exhausted also. There aren't that many patients that night. But, still.. a shift in the ER never fails to suck all your energy.

She reaches for her cell phone. A little disappointed because there isn't any message from anyone. From him, especially.

Should I just text him first? She asks herself.
But..., she hesitates. She doesn't want to show him how desperate she is about him, and at the same time, it's hard to resist the temptations.
I've been avoiding that other guy for a week now. Soon, of course he will be impatient. It's about time I give him my answer..., She groans because she feels frustrated. Suffocated. She wonders why he has not been texting her.

It's not that he is obligated to text me.. But..  She groans again.
We're just friends. He doesn't need to text me if he has nothing to ask me about. She tries to put some sense into her heart, but an ominous feeling suddenly surrounds her.

She lets out a deep sigh. She feels bitter thinking about him. She feels stupid and sad at the same time. He makes her feels like a beggar all the time. He gives her a hard time reading his intentions. He gives her hopes, yet he never really gives her hopes. It's too complicated!

She looks at her phone again. Should I just text him? It's not like I'm trying to make him jealous or anything... It's just, we're friends.. So I'm just going to tell my friend what had happened in my life. She convinces herself.

After she finally finds an excuse, she musters up her courage and texts him first. It's the first time they contact each other after so long.

She glances at her watch. It's 11 PM. She hopes he's still awake

Her : "Hi! You there?"

She sends it. Then, directly regrets it.  And she waits anxiously for his answer.

Him : "Yep! How are you?"
Her : "I'm good. Are you busy now? Can we talk?"
Him : "I'm cooking dinner. But, we can talk..."
Her : "Can I ask you something strange? What are we, actually? How do you feel about me? About us?? Aren't you tired playing me? Aren't you bored already?! " She types it, but soon deletes it.
Her : "Do you remember my previous ex-boyfriend? The long term one.. you know, the one I dated for 5 years?" She sends this instead.

He doesn't answer directly. There is a five minutes gap. He must be busy cooking, she thinks to herself.

Him : " Yeah.. what about him?"
She hesitates a bit. Should I really tell him? Or... Should I just figure everything out myself?
Her : "..."
Him : "You still there? What are you doing now? Aren't you in the hospital?"

She feels a bit relieved that he changes the topic. Her : "Yeah. Still on duty. No patients at the moment, tho.."
Him : "So? What about that ex-boyfriend?"

She is a little surprised that he brings that up again because she thought he didn't want to talk about it. Apparently, he do want to talk about it.
So she mutters nonsense, then decides to tell him. Argh! Whatever, she says to herself.
Her : "He proposed last week"

He doesn't answer for a long time. There is a long pause. Almost half an hour.

Is he eating now? She tries not to get her hopes up.
I mean... It's not like he will be jealous or shocked, right?
It's not like we're in a relationship or something!
He must've figured out by now..the fact that I like him.. But, it's not like he ever treated me special or anything.
It's not like I mean something to him, right?
He never remembers my birthday, so...
It can't be that I actually mean something, right?
A lot of thoughts crosses her mind. She feels like... this is it.. After this, she will finally decide... After this, she will know what to do. Whether she will keep going.. or she will, finally, let him go and move on.


Her : "Are you eating now?"
Him : "Yeah.."
Another pause.
Him : "So? What are you gonna do with him?"
Her : "I don't know yet... I'm confused.. Should I accept?"

He pauses for a long time again. Come on! Don't get my hopes high!! Don't make me feel as if I actually mean something to you! Why are you playing with my heart?!! She groans while kicking her feet in the air. He confuses me. All the time.

Him : "Well, congratulation..."


Congratulation? She murmurs to herself. She looks at her screen with a choke on her throat. She feels dizzy and there is a sharp pain somewhere she cannot explain. How come two words could shatter her hearts into aladeen pieces?

"Excuse me, doctor. There is a patient outside!" one of the nurse knocks on the door.

Ah... shit.. I guess, this is it, then.


To be continue...