Flashbacks

Honestly, I thought I deleted you. Burried you as a memory I despise.
But recently I’m having flashbacks.

Most of the time- it’s the same moment. A high definition video playing in my head.
It was night time. We were sitting on a bench in front of a class in our school. I teased you. And you blushed. Couldn’t even look back into my eyes.

At that time, I thought that moment was nothing special. It was just you and me talking like usual. Eventhough we knew we’re not supposed too. Eventhough we knew we would get in trouble.
I never thought of it as something precious. I guess I was wrong. Perhaps that is the strongest memory I have of you.
I thought i would have dreams or flashbacks about something less mundane, like our first date. Or the day you asked me to be your girlfriend. Or the nights when you walked me back home. Or when you picked me up after school to let people know that we’re a couple, eventhough we said we would hide it from everyone. Or when you stayed on the phone with me all night long because I was having a hard time.

Why do I remember you fondly eventhough you were the one who lied? Why do my heart feels warm when I think of you eventhough you were the one who gave up and fell out of love? I don’t think you deserve it. There was a point in my life when I thought you didn’t deserve any happiness at all.

Honestly, I wonder when our story started. Was it that day after school, when you took me for a walk in that quiet corridor behind school? Or was it that winter teddy bear?
I wonder when it actually ended. Was it that day when I asked for a break up because I knew you cheated? Or was it far before that?

I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I was twisted and tiring to be with. I knew I was probably the one who ruined us.
But you should not lie. You should not hurt someone like that, especially when you knew you were the one I trusted the most- with all my stories and secrets.
If only I could turn back time, I would make a better closure. I would not be scared to confront you face to face. I would not be scared to ask you how and why we ruined our story. But then again, I’m grateful it ended that way. Now, I can always remember you as the worst of yourself. And not the sweet gentleman I fell in love with.

Bye Charles. I think you know by now that I’m rare.

Blueming

I never knew I could fall in love with someone I didn’t personally know. Someone I had never even talked to. Someone I had only seen in passing. But, well.. I did.

The moment I saw you, I thought “Wow, his eyes are pretty.” And without me realizing, my cheek started to feel very warm and my heart started to race. That was very odd, because I always said there’s no such thing as love at first sight.

A few days after I first saw you, there was a girls-talk in my class. They were talking about their crush. Telling each other who they liked. One of the girls said that she liked you, and without thinking, my mouth suddenly said “Yeah, I like him too.”  Then, of course, things got awkward, so I said “But I like Frank too, because I generally like handsome boys” just to neutralize the mood.

Things like this were, and even as I grow older I realize they still are, signs of trouble. The general rule was : You should forfeit for your friend. So, Hm.. Why didn’t I? Well, why should I?
.

I don’t really remember how it started. But I remember that I received a note from you, saying you wanted to meet me after school. “Let’s take a walk after school”, it said.

So there we were, in a quiet corridor behind school. Talking so naturally, as if it was not the first time we were left  alone.
“You know I like you, right?” you said.
I smiled, and said no. Which was probably not accurate.
“I like you a lot. I want you to be my girlfriend, but I don’t want us to get in trouble.”
I stayed quiet, but I was so happy. My heart fluttered like crazy.
It was a short walk, though. So I remember you rushed to finish your sentence before somebody saw us. “Let’s keep it between us for now.” you said hurriedly, and then you left.

I wonder if you realized back then, but Charles, you were my first real crush.

Sky High

My apartment was on the 21st floor. It overlooked the city view.

Sometimes, I would look out the window at the people accross the street. I would wonder about their lives.
"Are they happy? Are they in pain, just like me? Am I the only one feeling so hurt? Am I the only one feeling isolated and frustrated?

On the worst nights, I would consider jumping. I would cry as the wind blew on my face. My vision would be blurry.
"Why are people so cruel? Why can't they be kinder to one another? Why is life so depressing?"

The people who made me like this, they never apologize. I never saw they got what I thought they deserve.
"Do they regret what they did to me? Are they reflecting? Do they even realize the gravity of their doings?"

My apartment was on the 21st floor. The sky was always pitchblack.

Red Queen

"What's there to stress about? You already have a huge salary!" She said. As if money is the only thing I need to be happy. As if I need to have a bigger, more grandeur, reason to feel sad.
.
"Why can't you be more spirited?" She said. As if I haven't tried hard enough. As if I spend my day lazily. Recklessly.
.
All I ever wanted was someone to tell me I was enough. That I did great. Or at least good enough.
All I ever wanted was someone to acknowledge that I've put my best effort. Someone to say that I could enjoy whatever I wanted to do.
.
I told them I was tired. But no one listened.
I told them I was sad. They thought I faked it.
I held out my hand. No one ever reached back.
.
So here I am. Slowly gone as the siren wails.

Preoccupied

"Why did you lie to me?"
"About what?"
"About falling out of love and falling in love?"
"I didn't lie."
"Yes you did. I asked you spesifically that night... did you fall in love with that other girl.. And you said no."
"What are you talking about?"
"That day. On the phone. I called you to explain why I broke up with you. I told you that I know you liked her eventho we're still together.
I was very happy when you said that I misunderstood. I thought we could fix everything."
"Why are you bringing this up? There's no use talking about it now."
"Yes there is. Because I want to know why you lied! I want to know why I should find out 9 years later that you actually liked her and you had no intention of fixing things with me back then. I want to know why you lied to me, eventho I trusted you the most. Eventho I lower my wall for you.. only you." I started crying.
"I'm sorry.. I really am.. for everything.. we were so young."
.
.
Disclaimer : This is my personal writing exercise. It is not based on real events.
A conversation between two ex-lovers just popped in my mind, and I decided to write it down. Hopefully I can use some of the lines for other things in the future.

Mommy Hug

The only thing I want to excel at in life, is being a mom. There really is nothing else.

I practically begged Allah to give me a child. And I have no intention of ruining this gift.

Do I know all the consequences? I know some. But right now I don't mind. I don't care.

Do I realize how much it will affect both of ourlives? Not really. But, I'm gonna try anyway. I owe that to my child - to at least try.

Am I gonna fuck up our stability? Really? Who cares? You? Well, I don't.

For the records, I do not need to explain to anyone why I'm doing this. I do not need anyone's approval of my reasoning. You don't know shit about me or my situation (well in this case, our situation). So shut up! You pay for none of this. You have no contribution or whatsoever in my well-being. So stop being a fucking douchebag, and get a life.

Partly Sunny

"Rather than the word 'sad' or 'depressed', I relate more to the word 'pain' and 'lonely'. Maybe that's why I dug a hole in my heart and burried all my scars there. Maybe I wanted them to decompose and one day flourish into something pretty. Ha! Who am I kidding, right?" 

Lavender

As I walked down that aisle, I thought to myself.. "This is it. Finally, somebody will hold my hand forever. He will take care of me. He will be the support I've never had. He will be someone who listen to my worries. He will be someone who help me find true happiness."
But, boy I was wrong.

I have never felt so meaningless. You made me feel as though I am replaceable.
After I'm fucked, I am discarded, ain't I?
You show nice gestures and cares, only if you want something in return, don't you?

Never have you ever treated me like a real spouse. Like a human. Like someone who mean something. Never. Not once.

Sun Flower

Dear, Self...
Why are you always so sad and lonely? Why are you so negative and angry? Why can't you be normal and happy?
Have you lost the spark? Is life totally  uninteresting to you?
Please stop thinking about death. There is nothing quick, pretty, or painless way of death. So please stop thinking about it.
I know that you are in pain. I know you just want everything to go away. I know living is hard. But please hang on... Things will get better, I promise.
I know that you feel lonely. I know you feel like nobody cares. I know you feel like you fight the world alone and no one ease your burden. But someone will come and hold your hand someday, I promise.

Dear, self...
Allow life to proof you wrong. Give it some time to show you that everything is better than death. Please... stop planning your death. Just, please.
Would you please silence that voice in your head- the one who keep whispering about pitch darkness?
You are fine... You are doing great.. You are loved.. You are important.
Please.. stop thinking about suicide.. Allow yourself to appreciate and celebrate YOU.

I love you...

John - Chapter 4

Grace Kelly

She was pretty. I knew that. And that was probably why a lot of boys in highschool liked her.
She was also rich. At least, that was what everyone else assumed. Because she had a driver. And her parents had a Mercedes Benz.
A lot of girls thought she was arrogant. Because she didn't interact well with people. She was hated by them. And there were a lot of rumors about her.
.
However, after knowing her more, I began to understand her more. But I didn't think I loved her. So, why did I ask her to go to the movies with me? I had tons of friends, so why her? Why did I contact her everyday? Why did I act so nice to her all of a sudden?
.
Ding! My phone rang. She replied my text.

I was just procrastinating all day. Having random thoughts. She said answering my previous question.
What were you thinking about all day? I text her back.
Just things. My parents. My brother. My friends. She replied.
Aren't you bored? I know I am. Want to go to the mal with me tomorrow? 

She didn't answer for an hour, then she said, Okay. But let's not watch movies again. Let's just chill and talk.
And an ocean of joy overwhelmed me. She said yes again!
.
The next day, we wandered here and there in the mal, but she looked unexcited. "Is something wrong? Are you tired?" I asked.
"Can we sit down a bit," she said as she sat down on a bench.

I looked at her mien. She noticed and gave me a plain smile.
"My mom is getting a divorce," she said. "I think it is for the best," she continued.
I looked away. I never really knew what to say in this kind of talk. My family was happy, so it was hard to completely understand her situation.
"I haven't told anyone. Not even my bestfriends," she said. My heart skipped a beat. "But truthfully... I couldn't handle it on my own. And that's probably why I'm telling you out of the blue."

I looked at her face once more, and tried to remember her face during our school years. She never looked troubled. She acted mostly normal, despite having lots of hater. And even now, despite what she said, she looked fine.
"Me and my brother.. we're going with our mom," she smirked. "We probably will move to a smaller house. And I probably should get used to taking public transports.. not having a maid.. helping out with chores.." she said, looking up to the ceiling. "It will be a big change"

I was just silent. I didn't really know how to respond.
"We will probably be fine tho..." she said while smiling. Now looking at my eyes. "Thankyou for listening." She got up and asked me to walk with her.

I felt stupid. I felt immature because I knew, at first, I was contacting her only out of curiosity. But the more I knew her, the more I realized that she was facing grown-ups problem when she was supposed to be enjoying life--just like me and any other young adults our age.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I said. 
Blurted it out of the blue.
Even before I was able to process anything in my head.

She looked at me bewildered. And then she smiled, "If you are doing this out of pity, please know I don't need it." She said.
"I am not," I said. Surprising myself even more. Startled by the fact that my mouth actually worked faster than my brain. What am I doing?! I think to myself.

"I know that you are approaching Jane right now. She told me everything." She said.
I was shocked, but before I could answer, she continued, "Even if you're not... I don't think this is the right time for a relationship.." she paused. "You will be going to a different city for college. And I will be here. And.. I honestly think that you are not built for long distance relationship."
I just stood there as she walked away.

She never said she refused because she doesn't like me tho... so there's still hope, I think to myself as I head home.
.

I continued contacting her despite what happened. She never brought that 'situation' up and neither did I.
We just talked like we normally did.
She told me that she was moving out of her house in a few days, and we shared our simple daily life with each other as friends.
I never really figured out why I asked her to be my girlfriend. I wasn't sure about how I felt either.

Then on my last day before going to college, I asked her to meet again.

"Are you treating me to a goodbye lunch?" She said when she arrived at the restaurant. I nodded.
We talked about random trivial things as we eat.

"Have you move out yet?" I asked.
"Next week. The house is a lot smaller but I think we will be fine," she answered.
"I'll go for college tomorrow. And I'll probably come back whenever I miss my mom," I said.

I looked at her small figure.. her dimples.. and her fair skin..
I couldn't help but to notice how we had come much closer than when we were in highschool.

"Are you sure you don't want to be my girlfriend?" I asked her while trying to sound calm.
She choked a bit, and then she giggled, "John... the question is.. are you sure you want to be my boyfriend?" She said.

I probably looked puzzled, so she continued, "I am not normal, John.. My life is twisted and full of drama.. and I am used to it.. but how about you? Are you ready to get into my drama?" She looked sharp into my eyes, "I will probably call you one night to cry about my crazy dad... And you will soon realize how I am a 'difficult' girl.." She tried reading my expression, while I tried not to make one, "Then you will see your new friends in college.. and find a cool pretty girl that you like.. and compare her to me.. and of course I will lose! So you will want to be with her... And me? I will just end up being the girl who gets her heart broken again," she said.

I stayed silent for a whole minute. And then I said, "But we'll never know before we try," I looked straight back into her eyes. "What if I turn out to be a good boyfriend? Someone who won't hurt you? Someone who you can count on? Someone you can call at night and cry about your crazy dad?"

She smiled, "There is that posibility, right? But I'm sorry John.. I just can't take any risk right now... You will probably be happier with Jane anyway... She likes you a lot."

To be continued....