Love You Twice

 

Aku itu suka ngumpulin pieces of beautiful lyrics on my notes, dan baru-baru ini ada satu lagu yang liriknya aku suka. It's just beautiful, powerful, but fragile at the same time.

Cause deep inside I wanna be her

She takes the hit but never shows you where it hurts?

Isn't it beautiful and displaying a sense of strength? Like, she takes the hit but never shows you where it hurts? I want to be able to be like that too. I want people to see that in me too... Like, mereka admire me, like, dia keren deh always so strong dan ga pernah nunjukkin sakitnya dimana. Tapi yah, di lain pihak, aku mikir gini:

Even when she always take the hit and never show people where it hurts... I wish she never had to take the hit at all.

Lebih enak kan kalo dia ga pernah harus take the hit in the first place? Wouldn't it be nicer and happier to live that way?

-Random Piece of History, end-

John

 

Hampir setiap kali aku menulis karakter yang dikasih nama John, ada satu orang beneran yang aku kenal di masa lalu yang aku jadiin referensi. Personally, di mataku John ini merepresentasikan kisah cinta yang bisa aja kejadian tapi pada akhirnya ngga pernah sampe ke tahap itu. Ide dari karakter John ini didasari dari pertanyaan: what if waktu itu aku lebih terus terang dan lebih berani, rather than memilih getting stuck in my own head tanpa minta klarifikasi langsung. (Meskipun, yah, perlu diakui bahwa I was too young and have too much ego).

A little back story, aku ketemu John pertama kali tuh waktu tes seleksi masuk sekolah. He's a friend of a friend. Jadi tuh dia dulu sempet tinggal di kotaku waktu kecil, tapi karena ayahnya kerja di BUMN dia pindah ke kota lain, terus akhirnya balik lagi buat sekolah di kotaku.

Pertama kali ketemu itu ngga ada kesan spesial apa-apa. He just looked like a nerd. Kurus dan culun. But you know how boys go through puberty and suddenly look hot, kan? Yah, kira-kira gitu lah yang nantinya terjadi sama si John. Dia tuh tiba-tiba jadi ganteng dan populer gitu. Tapi I was so busy with other things in my life dan I don't really care much about him.

Entah faith atau gimana, selama aku satu sekolah sama dia tuh aku sering barengan sama dia. Bukan barengan dalam artian ngobrol atau gimana ya. We're not that close cause I was literally an outsider (that's what they call it). Tapi kita tu sering banget kecemplung di tempat dan kegiatan yang sama.

Still... In the beginning, aku ngga terlalu peduli tentang orang ini. Di mataku dia cuma cowok populer yang rude, childish, arrogant, dan suka nge-bully orang. At that time, I have my own love interest dan segudang personal stuff yang ribet dan miserable yang harus aku pikirin. But, from what I remember, things take a different turn menjelang kelulusan.

Ngga tau gimana ceritanya dan apa alasannya, John mulai sering message aku dan (sepertinya) showing interest terhadap aku setelah kami lulus. Aku agak bingung sih, karena pas di sekolah dulu sepertinya dia menganggap aku cewek aneh yang ngga keren. Honestly, bahkan sampe sekarang aku masih penasaran apa yang ada di pikiran John waktu itu; apa aku yang ke-GR-an atau emang dia lagi usaha deketin aku, hehe.

Long story short, I began to take more interest in him and really considering him as a potential partner. However, there was always a hint of doubt at the back of my mind. Karena kan selama sekolah aku taunya ini orang berengsek... gimana kalo ini cuma one of his games gitu loh.

Teruuussss... saat aku lagi seriously mikir mau take things to another level with him, ada cewek yang ngasih tau aku kalo dia juga sering di-message dan lagi dideketin sama si John. 

I was like: I knew it you mf!!!  tapi tetep aja sakit yah. Kecewa sih lebih tepatnya. I just thought, maybe, like, just maybe, dia tuh beneran tulus suka sama aku gitu. Apalagi di masa itu yang super duper disastrous dalam hidupku (ortu cerai, kakek meninggal, keluarga bangkrut, hidup berubah 180 derajat). It was a time where I felt so alone and it was actually nice to have him.

Makanya, waktu John akhirnya ngajakin aku nonton bareng berduaan (I assumed he was asking me on a date), I refused. Aku milih untuk menutup semua kemungkinan/ future prospect sama dia. Dan yah, bisa dibilang it all turns out well. Dia dan aku akhirnya membangun keluarga dengan pasangan masing-masing yang emang paling cocok untuk kami masing-masing.

Aku tu nulis ini bukan karena mau nginget-nginget drama masa lalu atau mau selingkuh dari suamiku yaaaa... Aku nulis ini cuma mau menjelaskan cara berpikirku melihat suatu masalah dan prosesku menentukan karakter kalo bikin cerita.

Anyway, setelah tua kayak sekarang, John tumbuh jadi lakik yang baik dan setia (at least itu yang keliatan di medsos-nya). He looks like a great partner and family man. Makanya aku jadi mikir: mungkin dia bukan fuckboy kayak yang dulu aku kira. Makanya juga, kadang aku suka penasaran, sebenernya dulu itu cerita dari sisi dia gimana. Dia beneran deketin aku atau engga. Kalo iya, apa alasannya? Dia waktu itu mau kami pacaran apa engga? Bener ngga dia deketin cewek lain juga? Kalo waktu itu aku mutusin buat dateng nonton berdua sama dia, apa yang akan terjadi (soalnya dia tu juga kan mau pergi sekolah ke luar kota gitu lhooo.... Kalo kami jadian pun emangnya dia pikir ada masa depan di situ?). 

I really want to hear his side of the story. Bukan karena apa-apa. Murni karena penasaran aja. I think I can write better stories kalo aku tau sudut pandang dan pemikiran si referensi-karakter ini.

But, you know what, bisa jadi juga waktu itu aku ke-GR-an. Bisa aja emang waktu itu John tertariknya sama Jane dan mereka sebenernya hampir banget jadian. I might unintentionally ruin their chance.

Nah, waktu nulis, biasanya premise-ku itu semacam: kalo waktu itu aku pacaran dengan cowok yang karakternya kayak gitu, apa yang akan terjadi ya? atau ngga, kalo orang kayak aku berakhir dengan cowok kayak John, couple dynamic apa ya yang bakal muncul? kurang lebih gitu lah.

All in all, I believe we end up with the right person. Kayaknya ngga bakal ada orang di dunia ini yang cocok sama aku sebaik suamiku deh. He fits right into my life. Kayaknya aku ngga bakal se-happy ini kalo yang ada di sampingku bukan mas Rizeki (Alhamdulillah). 

John juga gitu. He looks good with his spouse and little family. I don't think we'd make a great couple if we ended up together. I love the fact that he looks good in suits, but other than that, I don't think he can tolerate me as well as my husband does.

-Random Piece of History, end-

Btw, nulis ini bikin aku sadar bahwa aku dulu menjalani hidup dengan penakut. Aku ngga bertanya pertanyaan yang penting ditanyakan. Aku ngga ambil kesempatan/kemungkinan hanya karena takut hasilnya bakal melukai aku sendiri. Yah gitu lah... The past me. Hehe.

Imagine Dragons

Dear Hana,

When I was a teenager, I was a girl who struggled to find something good to say about myself. When people confessed their feelings to me, I would question their intentions. I would wonder why someone as beautiful as them would want someone like me. When I looked at the mirror, all I see was a girl with daddy-issues. When I came to school, I would look around and envied other people. I would wish I was normal. I would wish I came from a normal family.

I don’t hate my parents, Hana. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me. But, honestly, they weren’t in a great place. My dad was an addict. My mom would lean on me for strength because, frankly, she had no one else. I would often see or hear them argue, or even be a part of the arguments. I would worry, wondering if today would be a great day or just another day with screaming and physical abuse. And, yeah, it affected the way I look at people.

I met some great men, Hana. But I kept pushing them away just to see which one would stick by me and never left no matter what. I would find their flaws, or even made one up, just because I was scared they would hurt me. I would leave immediately if I saw even a tiny bit of my father’s characteristic in them. I would hurt them. I would feel insecure around them. And I would be annoyingly clingy if I really liked them.

Hana, I was so scared of ending up with the wrong man. Not because I was scared of choosing the wrong spouse, but because I want My children to have a great dad. I don’t want my kids to look at their friends and have the urge to ask, “what does it feel like to be a daughter of a great man?” I don’t want them to live their life feeling abnormal. Or even slightly crooked.

Hana, a lot of men are evil. But you surely can find a great one. The one that fits you like a glove. The one who makes you feel like you don’t need to be somebody else but yourself. The one who makes you comfortable being yourself, with all your scars and secrets. A great man will never persuade you to do something you’re not sure about. He won’t make you feel like you should pretend to like something you don’t. He will allow you to work in your pace. He will be there when you hit rock bottom, supporting you and be the person to give you strength. He won’t make you question yourself—On the contrary, he will make you notice how amazing you are. He will still tell you that you’re pretty even when you’re having breakouts or gain some weight.

Hana, I hope you grow up amazing. I hope when you look in the mirror you know for sure that you are loved, talented, and perfectly perfect. People might make you feel like your forehead is too big or your hair is too thin, but I hope you will feel fine because you know you are amazingly flawless— forehead and hair included.

Know that I love you a lot. Life can be hard to navigate. But, as long as you keep a clear view and a strong root, you will always know where to go.

(Inspired by ‘Our Song’ by Taylor Swift)

Backstage

In no way do I feel that I’m as good as Shakespeare or Hemmingway. But well, it might be interesting to know where my inspirations come from.
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Tiny bits of my writings do came from personal experience. However, most of the time, it comes from imagination.
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The piece called ‘Falling in Love’ was written when a drummer of a band I used to listen to was jailed for drug misuse. The title and content of the piece was inspired by their songs.
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‘Shiver’ was inspired by a Coldplay song with the same title.
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‘Antagonis’ was inspired by a conversation I had with my husband. It made me wonder how an antagonist must be feeling. Was an antagonist born bad? Or did their circumstances change them? I think it must have been really sad and lonely because the society decided to put a terible label for them, sometimes without trying to know their stories.
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‘Red Queen’ was inspired by the death of Sulli - a kpop star. Sulli was friend with IU, and their fans thought Red Queen was written by IU for Sulli (in addition to Peach).
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‘Lavender’ was written right after I watched a documentary about Princess Diana.
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‘Sorrow’ was inspired by SHINEE Jonghyun’s suicide.
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‘Promise Her the Moon’ was written based on a song with the same title.
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Yeah, so that’s a glimpse of this blog’s backstage— which is my brain, lol.
I have a lot of fun writing here. And the thought of no-one-is-reading really makes me at ease. I can really write with no burden or anxiety of anyone’s judgement. It is very liberating.
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Thank you dear, Blog! I hope you will stay lowkey forever ❤️

Sawang Sinawang

I think the question “how are you?” has a lot of shade and depth.
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“How are you?” he asked-15 years after we last met.
“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” I replied.
“Same old, same old. How is your family?” he said.
“We’re doing okay. I’m a district attorney  now, Sir. My brother lives abroad. My mom is still in our hometown.”
He was the only person who reached out to me when things were tough. He was the only one who offered his ear.
He wasn’t even my home room teacher. I wasn’t even attending one of his class. But he was the only one who noticed.
Thank you, Sir. I am forever grateful.

A Small Window by The Bay

I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.

Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️

Burden of The Past

As we float through life, we gain and carry new parts of ourselves. We let go of some of the old us. Because we learn and we adapt. We thrive to survive.
So it’s okay to be a different version of our old selves. It is okay to close some doors and burn some bridges. Sometimes, without realizing it, we do it for our best interests.
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Your old self would probably be the worst version of yourself. A bully. Mean girl. Unwise. Wild. Irrational. Selfish. Arrogant. Childish. Immature. Depressed. Confused.
That’s a good thing. It means you’re actually doing something right. It means you are changing for the better. It means, as you grow older, you collect wisdom.
You might not be as pretty as you were 10-15 years ago. You might, now,  have wrinkles, gain weight, grey hair, hypertension, or malignancy. Life might be hitting you hard. But, all journey will eventually end. What you do with the time you have is what really matters.
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You’re still best friends with your best friends? Cool. But, if you’re not, it’s also cool.
People grow apart. It’s more common than you think. 
You’re married with kids? Cool. But even if you’re not, it does not make you any less awesome. Just like you do not have any right to judge anyone, they do not have any right to judge how much your life is worth.
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Live for yourself. Live for the people who matter. Live for all the right reasons.
All the trivial stuffs  you compare yourself with other people with, trust me, they ARE trivial.

Mommy Hug

The only thing I want to excel at in life, is being a mom. There really is nothing else.

I practically begged Allah to give me a child. And I have no intention of ruining this gift.

Do I know all the consequences? I know some. But right now I don't mind. I don't care.

Do I realize how much it will affect both of ourlives? Not really. But, I'm gonna try anyway. I owe that to my child - to at least try.

Am I gonna fuck up our stability? Really? Who cares? You? Well, I don't.

For the records, I do not need to explain to anyone why I'm doing this. I do not need anyone's approval of my reasoning. You don't know shit about me or my situation (well in this case, our situation). So shut up! You pay for none of this. You have no contribution or whatsoever in my well-being. So stop being a fucking douchebag, and get a life.

Sun Flower

Dear, Self...
Why are you always so sad and lonely? Why are you so negative and angry? Why can't you be normal and happy?
Have you lost the spark? Is life totally  uninteresting to you?
Please stop thinking about death. There is nothing quick, pretty, or painless way of death. So please stop thinking about it.
I know that you are in pain. I know you just want everything to go away. I know living is hard. But please hang on... Things will get better, I promise.
I know that you feel lonely. I know you feel like nobody cares. I know you feel like you fight the world alone and no one ease your burden. But someone will come and hold your hand someday, I promise.

Dear, self...
Allow life to proof you wrong. Give it some time to show you that everything is better than death. Please... stop planning your death. Just, please.
Would you please silence that voice in your head- the one who keep whispering about pitch darkness?
You are fine... You are doing great.. You are loved.. You are important.
Please.. stop thinking about suicide.. Allow yourself to appreciate and celebrate YOU.

I love you...

Bath Friends

Dear, children...

I have a lot of scary thoughts inside my head about how I should raise you so that you can survive in this world and grow to become a decent and compassionate human beings.
These thoughts occur because I've seen how bigotry, ignorance, and immorality are constantly growing. I see how their gravities have become larger and much scarier.

You know, love.... I want you to treat every person with kindness, just, and compassion-regardless who they are. Because often I see how the rich and pretty ones benefit and make use of their wealth/beauty unfairly. Often I see how the minority and less-privileged are experiencing multiplied difficulties for obtaining their basic rights.
I hope you can always talk, act, and walk in the corridors of truth without discrimination as to whom you are against. Do not give a person privilege just because they are richer, older, have a higher office, come from a certain group, come from a certain religion/political background, or have other advantages. Say firmly that right is right and wrong is wrong. Carry out dutifully what has been entrusted to you, and do not falter to defend your rights. Never hesitate to apologize when you are at fault, but stand firm when you are on the side of truth.

My dear, I believe that all of you will grow into dazzlingly beautiful boys and girls. However please remember that beauty is meaningless without integrity, bright minds, and sincere heart.

Be mindful of your words and actions. Remember that all of them carry weight. Remember that, not only they affect you, they also affect someone else.
Be daring, yet be considerate. Be bold, yet be polite.
Set limits. Take responsibilities. And do not forget to have fun to keep your life in balance.

Remember.... I love you. Always have, always will.

A Week Dose of Glucose

There are times when we feel like we are not as advance as everyone else. We feel less pretty, less successfull, less healthy, less complete, less interesting, and just less wonderful in general.
We feel like we are dull while everyone else's glow. We tell ourselves that we are lame and uninteresting.
But I have come to an understanding that we are just as capable as everyone else, just like everyone else are as much incapable as we are. Others are just as powerless as us, and we are as strong as others.
They glow, while we shine. We are sparkling, when they are luminous.
There is no point in feeling inferior, just as there is no point in looking for validation of your own happiness.
Be happy. Whether people acknowledge it or not is none of your problem.
Be awesome. You are your most important assets.

Lennon

We don't need to have all the same preferences to like a person-- not only as a lover, but also as friends-- do we?
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Some might prefer their coffee with cream, some might think that coffee should be black. But we can still have the same favorite coffee shop, can't we?
A bit trivial. But still...

Some might think of love as an adventure. A quest. A journey where you fool around and play before you settle down (or perhaps never settle forever). While others might take love a bit more seriously. Think of each relationships as sacred, fell head over heels in love everytime, and probably save their first kiss for their true love.
But still... we all fell in and out of love, don't we?
Some might live freely. Not caring about money, or having a landed house, or sport cars. And others might planned their life so very carefully... knowing all the tiny bits they want in life, when they want it, and where they want it to be. But still.. no one can live forever, can't we?

Some might go to the gym to look perfect in pictures, while others  simply don't give a damn. But our hearts still beat the same way, don't they?
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We might not have the same principle in life. We might not agree on everything. But humans are just humans.
Flesh, bones, minds, hearts, stacks of bouncing emotions, and a pretty awesome species.
We have more in common than we are different. Fact, that is.
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It's just sometimes we begin a relationship with a big spark, but as the relatonship grows and commitment sinks in, we forget to adjust the flame. The flame, that started out as a heart-throbbing sparks, can die down or combust everything.. All because we forget to stay sweet, to stay curious, to stay foolish, to stay romantic. All because, as the other person starts to walk closer, they also start to look less whimsical.
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Friends. Lovers.
Enemies. Exes.
We have more in common than we are different. Unfortunate, that is,

After Highschool Graduation...

 

Photo credit to hubby

A few weeks after highschool graduation, when I was still going through some hard exams for MedSchool, one of my high school classmate (who was also one of my ex's close friend), suddenly started to contact me--The "unusual" kind of keeping in touch, if you know what I mean.:p
Until... at some point, he asked me to go out to see a movie with him.
Um... Watching movie... Just the two of us......... Sounded kind of like a date for me. So I politely declined.
Why? Not because I wasn't interested in him, BUT because at that time I was also going through some hard changes in my life. My parents were going through a divorce. My grandpa passed away. I was juggling between keeping my mind straight, my somewhat new circumstances, and things I should let go.
Another reason was--and this was the main reason--because I heard he (let's just call him : John) was also currently flirting with another girl (and, let's just call her : Jane).
Jane contacted me so vigorously because she wanted to make sure that John really was a playboy-wannabe. And I was a bit heartbroken. Not because I actually liked him, but because during that period I kind of loss faith in men (thanks to my dad infidelity), and John just made it worse.(I mean, come one! flirting with two girls at the same time?! how is that okay???)
 
In high school, John and I were never close. We spent the whole hischool years attending the same class, but we were never best-friends. We never spent time alone. Never really talked that much. Never really saw each other eye to eye. So I found it kind of bizarre when he contacted me out of the blue. And also the fact that he was one of my ex's close friend, um, made me kind of thought that he must've hated me.. or at least heard some shitty things about my personality.

At some point in high school, I actually wrote in my journal that he was one of the most handsome boy in school, and he knew that because he read it, but that was it
 There were also times when he wrote some poem for his older-girl crush and showed me, and I admired his poetic ability, but that was that. Never more.
So, I never saw any romantic intention coming from him during our high school days. That was why I was kind of surprised, startled, and taken aback when he suddenly asked me out.

In high school, I considered John a bully. He liked to make fun of people. He was also rude and inconsiderate. That was one of the reason why we were never close.
He was also someone who loved to be on the spotlight. While me-- well, I was that girl who acted as a staging tree in high school play. :)) We didn't match at all-- at least according to me.

From what I remembered, after I refused his invitation for a movie, we grew apart naturally. And he never tried to contact me anymore, and neither do I.
I never really got to find out or ask what his real intention was. I never got to hear his side of the story. And I never knew why he contacted me out of the blue. Was he really flirting with me or was I just went over my head? Was he really flirting with Jane also, or was it a false accusation? Was he really a playboy- a jerk- a cheater, like how I thought he was? Or was he actually just a bored good friend of mine? If he intended to build a relationship with me, how did he think we would manage the long distance relationship? (he was going to college abroad anyway, so why bother?)  Why did he never showed any romantic intention in high school? Was I not 'cool' enough?

I know it's a bit strange that I wrote about some random encounter in the past when I already have a husband and build a family. But, these kind of life story are those mostly inspire me when I write fictional love stories. I usually imagine the possibilities : what would happen if I accepted his request and went to watch a movie with him? what if I decided to go out with him? would he broke my heart? would I have the strength to mend my heart when I had so much going on with my life? would he turned out to be a jerk, like how I thought he was? would he turned out to be charming and took good care of me? would we survive the long-distance relationship? what kind of boyfriend would he be? the caring one? the cool one? the romantic one? if we got married, what kind of dynamic would we have? --> These sort of things got me curious and inspire me to write fictions. So, thank you, John!

Anyway, I am still very curious about what really happened back then... So John, if you accidentally read this blog : Hello!.

Empty Seats

I've met a lot of people in my life who I love soooo much..'till the point that I thought they would forever be by my side.

I innocently believe that we would always be together.. going through all the hardships and moments.
Growing up. Growing old. Sharing memories and years.

Never imagined that we would grow so much apart...t ill the point that they become an empty seat in the past.. missing sooo much of each other's life..
Missing weddings.. heart breaks.. sadness.. tears of joy.. despair..

It's not like our bridges are already burned.
It's just adulthood taking its toll.

Time passes by. Moments un-noticed. Pictures fade. The bridge gets old and rusty.

But believe me. I remember you from time to time.

The youths. The childhood memories. The hard and loud laughters. The irresistable freedoms of teen.
The boundless smiles.. And memories.. And warm relationships.. And heartfelt raw hugs that are so rare right now (in adulthood).

We were, once, so close.
Our heart used to cuddle.

Perhaps that's why I still smile everytime I remember you.

Never Growing Up

I finally understand how hard it is to survive. I used to cuddle under my mom's embrace, not knowing how much work that needed to be done.
Now that I understand, surviving means more and more like sacrificing. Or excruciating. Or draining.

But no one can escape life forever.

Past

Photo taken with Analaog Camera. Minolta. Kodak celluloid.

Do you think it is strange... that I thought of you a lot, right before my wedding? Do you think I am still addicted to you and to our unfinished love stories? Do you think, deep inside my heart, I am still looking for you in the dense of other loves?
I think this is God's way, dear past... To remind me that love can be very painful, and that I need to make myself ready. Because, now, I am heading toward an eternal and holly commitment of love. where anything can happen, and the risk of pain is worse.
I think this is God's way of warning me, dear past... That I might become an antagonist in someone else's stories. And that I might also be the protagonist. But the choice is not mine to take, it is in other's to give away.
I think. God loves me so much. And wants me to learn from our horrible love stories. About our love that used to be so magical, but then vanished into thin air. Also, about our ending that has never happened... And our last conversation that never linger.

Dear, past... I wish you will thought of me too. May be one day. When your own wedding is near.
I hope God loves you too. As much as I used to.
And now, let this be the last time I write about you. Because I already have someone that fits me better than you. Way better.

Back

The feeling of not having anyone to watch your back, for me, it is frustrating.
I think the core of being human is to have another human as our support group. People that will stand up for us except ourselves. People that we can count on. People that watches our back. People that appreciate, rather than looked down on, us. People that believe, rather than underrate, us.

The feeling of not having anyone to watch your back, for me, it is irritating and saddening. But most of all, isolating. Lonely-ing.

The Tale of The Pigeon's BFF

copyrighted by : Copyproof

My life is spinning on a single street.

A Road that has a desire, a desire to impose, and a desire to create.

But my life has always been under the shadow of you.

That looks much brighter.

Who always seemed more interesting,

Pigeons.



But I'm happy to spin on that road of mine

Which is not much brighter.

And is under the shadow of you.

That road which did not seem more attractive.

Mine-

-Ugly duckling.
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What Is So Bad About Honesty

....so most people prefer a lie?

A friend once told me that most people consider me "bad guy" because I was too honest in expressing my head. And so I asked him : what is so wrong about telling the truth? and he said that there was nothing wrong in saying honesty, it's just that I should sweeten the way I'm delivering it.    - Well..Should I?

What do you think honesty means? To say something without being added or subtracted, is it not? If it's being sweetened, can it still be called the truth?

Well.. They can call me evil.. But that is my principle. I won't tell lies. And if they're not okay with that, then they should have told me in person. I'm okay with that. And anyway, I dont tell if they dont ask, right?

Those also people that did not even bother to try to know me, but they bother to say that I am evil. How did they know? How could they tell who I am if we barely talk to each other? Those kind of people, those that did not wanna be friend with me, They just have no clue how good a friend I am. lol

The Between Life and Death

I made this blog, because I want to pour my personal thoughts into words.
I want to talk about things that I think is right, wrong, dislocated, or misjudged.

A few nights ago, I saw an old lady looking anxious as she tried to cross the street with her husband. I was with my mom, inside our moving car, as they tried to cross the street. They tried hard, full of doubt because their age has blurred their sight.

Seeing them that night, suddenly made me thought about my life. Someday, if my age is not the short one, I'll be old, just like them. People I know will be gone. One by one. Bringing every tears I cried for them, and every memories I'll try to hold. My grandparents, my dad, my mom, my brothers and sisters, and then me. Everyone will die. And the list does not always go that way. I could be the first one to die. It could be anyone. It could be tomorrow.
I imagine how I'll feel if my mom's gone. And I feel teribly sad just thinking about it.

Sometimes I feel unhappy about my life. My mom and I, sometimes we fought. We are not always get along with each other. If I think carefully, I've treated her badly. She has worked so hard to keep me breath. She'll do everything to give me a good life. And I haven't given her anything. I haven't done anything to please her.

I think... I will love anyone like I won't have any tomorrow. I will treat people in every good ways possible. I will do things that make them happy. I will tell them how much I love them like I won't have any other chance to say it. I will make my life worth living. I don't want to be a typical creature that live and then die without leaving any goods to Earth. I dont want my life being a waste. I want people to remember me as someone good, as someone that means a lot. My life will mean something. My dead will be remembered.

I'll try my hardest to make it happen!! I'll be a better person everyday. I will be usefull! My life will be usefull! I'll be a better me each day. I'll be a great person.