John - Chapter 3

Hurt

"Hi! Sorry I'm late. What are we watching?" I said when I saw him in the long queue.
"I'm thinking some action movies. Is that okay? Or do you prefer something more girly?" he answered.
"I'm fine with anything. You pick!  I'll buy us some popcorn," I ran  as fast as I could to the counter. Avoiding a longer talk because I felt awkward and I was too nervous.
.
.
The movie didn't start in 2 hours, so we walked to a nearby restaurant because he said he was hungry. I was not, so I only ordered some snack and watched him eat.

He is skinny but he eats so well. I thought to myself.
"When will college start?," he started the conversation. Probably to clear the air from the thick awkward moment.
"Not until next month. You?"
"Me too. But I will need to go earlier because I need to find a place," he answered with an eye smile behind his hipster eyeglasses.
"It must be exciting right? Being on your own in another city?"
"Mm.. Yes it probably is..," again, he answered with an eye smile.
But there is a suffocating awkward silence after that. I continued snacking and he continued eating.
I know this would happen! We weren't close, so we have nothing to talk about!!! I screamed in my head. Imagining punching myself.

"Do you keep in touch with him?" He asked. Starting another conversation.
"You mean your bestfriend? No I don't." I said. But my answer was not completely honest, so I continued. "Well.. actually at first I contacted him often," I smiled unconciously because I felt naive, and then I continued, "Because he was my first love and it's hard to let go... mm... to move on." I paused. "But the more we talked, the more I realized that he had no intention to start over.." I let out a sad smirk. "I realized that he moved on far before the breakup"

He observed my face. I thought he was trying to figure out what to say, but then he asked, "Why did you break up with him?"
I deliberated whether to aswer him honestly or not because I wasn't sure whether he was asking because he cared or because he meant malice.But eventually I decided that I didn't really care and I just answered honestly. "At first I convinced myself that I wanted this breakup because I needed to concentrate on my study. But now that I've come to term with everything, I can proudly admit that my heart was broken" I said.

"He broke your heart? Really?" He sounded skeptical.
I could smell doubt from his tone of voice. So I sneered, "I know no one would believe me. Well, He is the kind-hearted popular guy. While I am just the misfit who was lucky enough to get him. That's what everyone thinks"
He didn't answer. I guessed he couldn't say that I was wrong.

"He flirted with other girls," I told him.
His eyes widened in disbelief. Just like I thought anyone would. "For real?" He asked.
"He flirted with my bestfriend," I paused to ease my aching fresh wound, "Who told me that he also flirted with some other freshmen"
His eyes widened more. Just like I thought. No one would believe that that guy was capable of any of that.

After afew minute, he said, "But still... it was just flirting. Uncomfirmed flirting... Flirting that you did not see with your own two eyes, right?"
I scoffed. My eyes wondered some place else. I was thinking where to start so that I didn't sound broken in front of him. "At that time, my parents were in a very rough place." I started, "My dad messed up... Uhm, he cheated," I paused. Trying to breath normally. Trying to hold my tears.
"My family was unstable. And it's been like that for a long time. But at that time... it was worse than before. And I was actually lost, devastated, and disappointed... And your friend.. well, he was the only one I told about everything. I even cried in front of him" I stopped talking and sneered. Just realizing how silly I was, "Actually... what hurt me the most was the fact that I trusted him.. with my worries.. and everything.. And I didn't do that to just anyone," I paused again because I could feel my tears started to dwell. "So yeah, 'just' flirting was not 'just' flirting for me.." I let out a cold laugh, "Flirting is the beginning of it, John... And he could actually cheat.. which he might.... And, at the time I honestly didn't have the strength to handle that kind of pain. Especially when it comes from someone so dear to my heart. Someone I trust."

He was just silent. For a long time. Maybe he still didn't believe me. But who cares.
"I'm sorry. He is still your friend. I don't mean to badmouth him," I said. Trying to clear the air.
But he was still silent. And I didn't really know what to say to ease the awkwardness. Until he said, "In highschool.... umm.. I knew there was something happening with your family. Mm.. I heard rumors... and I kind of guessed..."
I smiled because I was not surprise. "I know..." I said. "In our second year, when you asked me why me and my mom stayed at my grandparents'... I told you that my grandma was ill... But I actually lied, and I know you know that I lied."
He put his face down. Looking at the table.
I thought he didn't really know how to respond.
"Actually, when you asked, I was startled. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out the very first thing I wanted to believe.... that everything is okay... that we moved out to take care of grandma," I continued while letting out another cold laugh, "But really, who am I kidding? We moved out because my father cheated... because he was becoming unfamiliar... hhh...because he was violent". I admitted.
He muttered some words then said, "Actually I was asking because I know," his eyes wondered. Avoiding me. "Now that I think of it... I was such a jerk.. I should have think about how you'd feel... But, at that time, I probably was trying to humiliate you."
He looked sorry. But I didn't think he should be. Maybe because I already knew everything he was saying. I already knew that he was a bully. I already knew that he was trying to be mean. It's nothing new. He had done it before. Not once, not twice, but so many times.... 

So why now? Why today? Why do you ask me to come today? Why me? Didnt you have tons of friends? Are you trying to be mean again? Are you trying to humiliate me again? Are you trying to see if I would fall for you? Are you trying to hurt me?  Are you trying to gather information about me and then laugh about it with your peer? Those were the questions I had but never able to ask that day. I was foolish... All I did was swallowed them.

To be continued....

John - Chapter 2

Style

I remember the last time I was chasing a girl down the hallway. She was my girlfriend in college. The girl who had a tall wall surrounding her. The girl who reminded me that I was such a coward in highschool. Well, I probably still am.
.
.
She was unique.
She was not popular among girls. She was not 'cool'. But so many boys were drawn to her. And she rejected most of them.

I was shallow.
I was the highschool bully who said mean things to every misfits I met. And I was proud because I thought I was cool.
.
I didn't really notice her at first. I was busy making poems for an older girl I had a crush on.
She was just my close friend's girlfriend. A misfit girl who manage to get one of the 'Top 10'.
He said she was weird. That she was insecure and capricious. That she was in a highschool-rebel phase against her parents. That she was problematic and hard to deal with but he was going to try anyway.
I shrugged him off. Saying that to me she sounded just like another teenage girl.
.
One day, she broke up with him for the third time in a year. But this time, he said it was for real. He said that it was too tiring.
And I started to become curious. I started to notice her. The highschool misfit who decided to broke up with a popular guy.
.
After a while and a few small talks, I found out that she was enticing. That she had so many layers attached to her. Probably too many.
One day I asked to borrow her note and found out that she made a list of handsome males at school. I was one of them. And I was on top of the list.

I actually scoffed. I thought that she was hunting cool boys. I thought that she was shallow. Just like me.
.
But I was foolish.


To be continued...

John - Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

I remember the last time a boy came running after me down the hallway. 
He grabbed my wrist. Shouted my name. Asked me to listen to whatever lies he was trying to say. 
But my eyes saw what it saw. And my heart was already broken. Just like the trust I once gave him.

His name was John.
.
.
We started out as classmates.
He was an overachieving popular kid in highschool.
I was an outcast. A somehow popular misfit.
He was the golden boy in my class. Smart, confident, sociable, a good writer, and the alpha male.
I was a staging tree in school play. A quiet popular one, somehow. Had a substantial amount of male fans.
.
.
He hungout with a bunch of popular boys. People called them the 'Top 10'.
I hungout with a small circle of friends. Some were pretty enough to be popular among boys, but never among girls.
.
One of John's friend was my first love. A cheating good guy who broke my heart into atomic pieces.
Well, I admit. I was difficult to deal with. I would broke my heart if I was him.
.
In highschool, eventho John and I were classmates, we were not close.
We talked from time to time, but nothing particularly special.
However, a few days after graduation, he started texting me.
He never texted me before.
.
The conversation started from random small talks. Then it became more frequent and ongoing. Until one day, he asked me to go watch a movie with him. Just the two of us.
.
I was negligent. I didn't really want to go, but I also needed an escape from home. I didn't want to sent him the wrong message, but I was wondering why he asked me.
Eventually, I made a mistake.
I decided to come. I thought, eventho he was annoying and he was somewhat a bully in highschool, he was actually pretty decent to me. So I came to the movies. And I dressed up. And I saw him standing there. With his cheeky smile and bespectacled chiseled jawline. And he was dazzling. And I was stunned for a second, admiring the way he dressed himself, how it was so boyfriend material.
Later, I realize that I was foolish.
.

To be continued....

Arina Galak Sekali

Kenapa Tuhan tetap memberi kebahagiaan pada orang yang jahat? Kenapa hidup mereka dan keturunannya tidak terus menerus sengsara saja?
.
“Pfft, pasti dipikirnya dia istimewa karena lagi laku, jijik banget!” lagi-lagi sindiran. Laku, katanya. Seolah-oleh aku barang yang dipajang untuk dijual di toko.

“Kamu menang lomba? Aku sih bingungnya kenapa kamu bisa teriak segitu kenceng kayak monyet di hutan,” begitu katanya di waktu lain. Aku yang tadinya bangga, malah berubah menjadi malu. Kenangan yang buatku bagus, malah berubah jadi busuk.
Begitulah dia dan teman-temannya. Suka berkerumun, mengobrol sambil menyindir, membuat orang merasa terasing.

Dia dan teman-temannya tidak suka aku. Orang yang lain tahu, melihat, tapi diam saja dan ikut mengasingkan. Mungkin mereka takut mengulurkan tangannya. Takut tertular.
Begitulah realitanya. Sepanjang di sekolah aku menghadapi remaja-remaja yang tidak menganggapku teman. Diberi peran sebagai pohon saat drama. Diminta menari di depan orang-orang, walaupun aku tidak bisa
Aku bukan satu-satunya. Ada beberapa anak lain  yang juga diperlakukan dengan buruk. Sering dicaci maki karena bentuk kepala yang aneh, kacamata yang tebal, atau muka yang berjerawat.
Mungkin beginilah tantangan yang dialami semua orang yang tumbuh dewasa. Aku juga tidak yakin.

Pulang ke rumah, yang kudapat juga ayah-ibu yang berteriak atau saling memukul. Jadi aku harus lari kemana?
.
.
Kukira saat lulus dari sekolah ini akhirnya aku lepas dari mereka. Tapi tidak. Mereka datang ke rumahku dengan alasan ‘silaturahmi’.
Ibuku mengira mereka teman-temanku. Ibuku senang karena dia pikir luka hatiku akan menjadi lebih ringan dengan kedatangan orang-orang itu. Dan aku ingat sekali, bagaimana ibuku memasak makanan sampai lelah, untuk mereka yang memberi neraka padaku setiap hari.
Aku sempat bingung tentang tujuan mereka datang ke rumahku. Tapi akhirnya aku tahu. Mereka mau mencemooh keluargaku yang hancur berantakan. Mereka mau bergunjing lagi tentang hidupku yang jauh dari kesempurnaan. Mereka berfoto, dan aku akan diletakkan di belakang.

Begitulah. Dari mereka aku belajar apa itu teman. Dari orang-orang jahat aku belajar untuk memiliki lingkaran yang sempit dan kecil. Dari pengalaman buruk yang mereka berikan aku belajar membalas dendam.
.
.
Kenapa Tuhan tetap membiarkan orang jahat hidup biasa saja tanpa setiap detiknya memikirkan dampak perbuatan mereka pada orang lain? Kenapa Tuhan membiarkan orang jahat dan mereka yang hanya menonton hidup bebas tanpa perlu meminta maaf?
.
Arina galak sekali, begitu katanya. Iya aku tahu. Tapi apa kamu tahu kalau kamu buruk semuanya, terutama hatimu?

How Can I Be Bigger Than The Moon?

Tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon
and untangled
and smooth
and at ease
when the world is just so chaotic?

How can I be sweeter than a sugar rush
when the world is torturing
constantly stabbing
and continously being strenuous?

How can I be free
and radiant
and immortal
when life is pitch black and concealed?

I tried to fix the broken light bulbs
instead of demolishing the house.
Yet the light is faint.

So tell me,
How can I be bigger than the moon?
How can you?

I See Your Smile and The World Is Well

Please...
Keep the noise in
my head down.
The rustling
The echoes
The splashes.

I want to sleep
without having to
count the sheeps.

I want my world
to be happy
and smells like
pinacolada.

Please...
Be silent for once.
I need the peace
and the quiet.
I need to be un-
anxious.

Bath Friends

Dear, children...

I have a lot of scary thoughts inside my head about how I should raise you so that you can survive in this world and grow to become a decent and compassionate human beings.
These thoughts occur because I've seen how bigotry, ignorance, and immorality are constantly growing. I see how their gravities have become larger and much scarier.

You know, love.... I want you to treat every person with kindness, just, and compassion-regardless who they are. Because often I see how the rich and pretty ones benefit and make use of their wealth/beauty unfairly. Often I see how the minority and less-privileged are experiencing multiplied difficulties for obtaining their basic rights.
I hope you can always talk, act, and walk in the corridors of truth without discrimination as to whom you are against. Do not give a person privilege just because they are richer, older, have a higher office, come from a certain group, come from a certain religion/political background, or have other advantages. Say firmly that right is right and wrong is wrong. Carry out dutifully what has been entrusted to you, and do not falter to defend your rights. Never hesitate to apologize when you are at fault, but stand firm when you are on the side of truth.

My dear, I believe that all of you will grow into dazzlingly beautiful boys and girls. However please remember that beauty is meaningless without integrity, bright minds, and sincere heart.

Be mindful of your words and actions. Remember that all of them carry weight. Remember that, not only they affect you, they also affect someone else.
Be daring, yet be considerate. Be bold, yet be polite.
Set limits. Take responsibilities. And do not forget to have fun to keep your life in balance.

Remember.... I love you. Always have, always will.

Thaw

Why don't you fix me?

Mend all the curves that are weird and out of place...
Fade all the scars already exist...
Stroke my head gently without speaking
just because you understand,
without words...
Love me thoroughly,
without words,
just because you love me tirelessly,
without words,
just because you truly love me,
just because you earnestly love me...
.
.

Mengapa tak kau perbaiki aku?

Membetulkan semua lekuk-lekukku yang aneh dan tidak pada tempatnya... Memudarkan bekas-bekas luka yang terlanjur ada...
Membelai kepalaku lembut tanpa bicara,
hanya karena kau mengerti,
tanpa kata-kata...
Mencintaiku dalam semuanya,
tanpa kata-kata,
hanya karena cinta,
hanya karena sesungguhnya cinta,
hanya karena setulusnya cinta..

Sorrow

The weather is colder than what she packed for.

She looks out and feels like she can touch the snow falling out of her window.

Winter is cold. But the sharp pain in her chest is much colder.

She never knew that she could feel such tremendous pain. She never expected that she would meet such excruciating depression.
The feeling of longing for acknowledgement.
The profound void of loneliness.
The constant struggle and sadness.
The hate that scarred her.
Even after she seeked help. Even after she talked to someone. Even when she was showered with love.
She feels like no one would ever understand. She knows that the dark clouds won't ever go away. And even when they say they love her... she can't believe them. She can't feel their love.
She feels numb, yet she can feel the throbbing pain.


The people she thought would give her comfort... those she thought she could rely on... those she thought would give her strength.. are also those who tortured her... are also those who demand so much from her... are also those who expected too much from her.
They expected perfection. They expected fortitude. And understanding. And patient. And unconditional love.
But they wouldn't do the same for her.
All they do was talk.
Even when she told them she was in pain. They shrugged her off.  They belittle her. As if she needed a more dramatic reason to be in pain.


"Will anyone cry for me when I'm gone? Will anyone miss me? Will my death mean something to someone or anything at all? Will they finally realise that I exist? Will they finally acknowledge how hard I've worked? Will they finally know how much pain they've caused me? Their sharp words... Their unfair judgement... Their hate...."

She thinks to herself over and over again.

She closes her eyes and hugs herself. "You're good enough. What you did was good enough. You've done well."
She puts herself to sleep.

A Week Dose of Glucose

There are times when we feel like we are not as advance as everyone else. We feel less pretty, less successfull, less healthy, less complete, less interesting, and just less wonderful in general.
We feel like we are dull while everyone else's glow. We tell ourselves that we are lame and uninteresting.
But I have come to an understanding that we are just as capable as everyone else, just like everyone else are as much incapable as we are. Others are just as powerless as us, and we are as strong as others.
They glow, while we shine. We are sparkling, when they are luminous.
There is no point in feeling inferior, just as there is no point in looking for validation of your own happiness.
Be happy. Whether people acknowledge it or not is none of your problem.
Be awesome. You are your most important assets.