Sawang Sinawang

I think the question “how are you?” has a lot of shade and depth.
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“How are you?” he asked-15 years after we last met.
“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” I replied.
“Same old, same old. How is your family?” he said.
“We’re doing okay. I’m a district attorney  now, Sir. My brother lives abroad. My mom is still in our hometown.”
He was the only person who reached out to me when things were tough. He was the only one who offered his ear.
He wasn’t even my home room teacher. I wasn’t even attending one of his class. But he was the only one who noticed.
Thank you, Sir. I am forever grateful.

Falling In Love

It was early morning. I had just arrived at school and remembered that I needed to go to the stationery shop.
That was the first time we met.
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You were already there, a yellow novel in your hand.
I got in to the shop. Told the shopkeeper what I needed and I looked your way.
Our eyes met. You smiled first.
“Hi,” I said nonchalantly.
You couldn’t hear me. You were wearing your favorite earphones.
“Sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to music,” you walked my way.
“Ah, I just said  hi”, I answered. And I just said hi because you flashed me a smile.
“I was listening to a new indie band,” you offered me one of your earphone.
The school bell rang.
“It’s called Crocks. Try them out,” you rushed to class. I should too.
You didn’t get my name. Neither do I.

Shiver

Why didn’t you tell me back then? Why now?
I tried. Perhaps not too hard, but I did try.
It is all too late now, isn’t it? We’re both engaged to someone else.
I’m sorry I chose to tell you. I shouldn’t have.
No, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you did.
You are? Why?
Well, do you prefer to keep your feelings for yourself until the end of the world?
I did think it’s best not to ruin a good friendship.
Do you think our friendship is ruined, now that you decided to tell me?
I don’t know. Is it?
Of course not! You liked me, so what? It doesn’t change the fact that we spent 15 amazing years together. You’ll still be the first person I call for everything.
I’m glad it’s not ruined, but I’m sad too.
God! You drama king! Why?
I don’t know. Perhaps.. Like, how I felt about you.. like, don’t even matter.. It’s like you’re saying my feelings for you.. not substantial enough?
You’re silly! You don’t want to ruin our friendship, but you’re sad that it’s not ruined?
Why did you never look my way, tho? I was literally there.
Well.. you’re like family. I love you like my own blood.
If I tell you 10 years ago, what do you think would happen?
I think I’d say no. But, I’d still want to be friends. Is that selfish?
Kind of. 
Food for thought tho, we’re all somebody’s first love at some point in our life.

Sorry

Do you ever have to forgive without receiving an apology?
That’s a crazy concept. I believe forgiveness is something you should earned.
Let me change my question, will you ever forgive someone who never apologize?
Not in a million years.
Why not? Wouldn’t the grudge only make you suffer?
I need them to know that harm was done. I need to know that they feel misery for doing it, say sorry, and make amends.
So, without an apology, you would resent that person for as long as it takes?
Yes. I don’t want to make it easy for people to hurt others—and not have to deal with the consequences.
I believe that must be tiring. Reconciliation is important for your own inner peace, no? Letting go of unhealthy anger is a good way to achieve good mental health, no?
I disagree. It’s naive to easily let things slide. It’s permissive. And it’s rather unhealthy, in my opinion.

Old News

It was the coldest day of winter. The day someone told me that you started dating her. That girl.
It just proved I was right. You did flirt with her. You did like her. Even when we were still together. But why did you deny? Was it embarrassing to admit?

Honestly, I knew she felt insecure about me. Well, I would feel insecure if I was her. After all, I am me, your first love— and I quoted her in this, “pretty, smart, rich, popular, and kind”.
I even wondered why you would like her. Hm.. perhaps she felt safe and effortless.  Haha! Great things need a lot of care, Charles!

I thought I was a coward for not being able to say it all in your face. For not being able to say I was hurt and I knew all your lies. But, congratulations to me! You were more of a coward. That coldest day of winter proved it all.

For the record, I didn’t wish you well. Not at all. Perhaps I even prayed for the worst for your life. Hehe. It was very childish. But, yeah, we were children. You certainly were.

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(Writer’s note : This series is getting boring to write. I don’t even know where this is going. I feel like, at this point, this is just a journal of a girl’s heartbreak. Pretty uninteresting. Well, we shall see. Sometimes inspirations come out of no where)

A Small Window by The Bay

I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.

Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️

Sendiri

Kenapa hari ini
rasanya sendiri sekali?

Besar berat kotornya
dipikul dalam sepi.

Antagonis

Bibir merah marun,
Hati penuh dendam,
Pikiran diracuni kebencian.

Tapi tidak selalu begini.

Parut yang didapat sembari melangkah pergi
Dan kenangan buruk yang sulit dihapus sendiri
Membuat harapan baik melapuk.

Di ujung hari, hanya antagonis yang diadili.
Yang lain luput. Enggan mengerti.

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Versi lainnya (dalam bahasa Inggris) :

God, why was I not built less broken? If I didn’t  have too many flaws, I wouldn't be excluded. Maybe I would be invited to parties, had lots of friends, not be left out to sit alone and judged. Maybe I would grow happier, more proud, more optimistic. Maybe my heart wouldn’t hurt this much, and my wall wouldn’t be this high.
Or is all this because I was evil? Is it because I deserved to be ostracized and grew alone?

Remember My Love Letters

Dear, Ciara.

It’s 4 in the morning, 15 years after I sent you my first ever love letter. Do you remember me?

The moments I had with you is certainly one of the most interesting in my life. Me, first time being a secret admirer. Me, secretly sending you chocolate and love letters. Me, rejected.

Honestly, for a boy that young, being rejected was humiliating. Even more so after I knew why.
I was so angry. I wanted to hit Charles’s head with a hammer. Hahahahaha.

I felt even more betrayed when I heard you broke up with him. I knew I was better. I knew I would treat you better. But you told me I never had a chance. Dang, you were harsh.

How are you? Do you get to do what you always wanted? Do you find someone who makes you happy and complete?
Charles live a crappy life now, hahahahaha. Do you even care?
I live wonderfully, though. I have a pretty wife and twin girls. Do you even care?

I do care, Ciara. I hope you are well and happy. I hope this is still your address.
Do reply if you don’t mind. It won’t hurt playing nice with me for once.


Warm regards,
Billy

Burden of The Past

As we float through life, we gain and carry new parts of ourselves. We let go of some of the old us. Because we learn and we adapt. We thrive to survive.
So it’s okay to be a different version of our old selves. It is okay to close some doors and burn some bridges. Sometimes, without realizing it, we do it for our best interests.
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Your old self would probably be the worst version of yourself. A bully. Mean girl. Unwise. Wild. Irrational. Selfish. Arrogant. Childish. Immature. Depressed. Confused.
That’s a good thing. It means you’re actually doing something right. It means you are changing for the better. It means, as you grow older, you collect wisdom.
You might not be as pretty as you were 10-15 years ago. You might, now,  have wrinkles, gain weight, grey hair, hypertension, or malignancy. Life might be hitting you hard. But, all journey will eventually end. What you do with the time you have is what really matters.
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You’re still best friends with your best friends? Cool. But, if you’re not, it’s also cool.
People grow apart. It’s more common than you think. 
You’re married with kids? Cool. But even if you’re not, it does not make you any less awesome. Just like you do not have any right to judge anyone, they do not have any right to judge how much your life is worth.
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Live for yourself. Live for the people who matter. Live for all the right reasons.
All the trivial stuffs  you compare yourself with other people with, trust me, they ARE trivial.