You of Today

Untuk kamu yang sekarang,
Yang mengharapkan darah dari mereka
Yang menyakitimu atau membiarkanmu
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Mengharapkan keburukan bagi manusia lainnya

Untuk kamu yang dahulu
Diam saja ketika runcing lidah mereka
Mengiris rohmu
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Membalas kebengisan dengan kebengisan

Untuk kamu di esok hari,
Yang berharap peruntunganmu lebih
Baik dari hari ini apalagi kemarin
Andaikan Tuhan kita memperbolehkan manusia
Menukar kesedihan dengan segala cara.
Aku cinta.

~

Hello you of today,
Who crave for blood of those
Who harm or let you suffer
I wish our God allow us humans to
Wish for doom of another human

Hello you of the past
Who remained quiet when their spiky tongue
Slashed your soul
I wish our God allow us humans to
Reward cruelty with cruelty 

Hello you of tomorrow 
Who wish your luck is
Better than today all the more yesterday 
I wish our God allow us humans to
Exchange misery with every means.
I love you.

Flashbacks

Honestly, I thought I deleted you. Burried you as a memory I despise.
But recently I’m having flashbacks.

Most of the time- it’s the same moment. A high definition video playing in my head.
It was night time. We were sitting on a bench in front of a class in our school. I teased you. And you blushed. Couldn’t even look back into my eyes.

At that time, I thought that moment was nothing special. It was just you and me talking like usual. Eventhough we knew we’re not supposed too. Eventhough we knew we would get in trouble.
I never thought of it as something precious. I guess I was wrong. Perhaps that is the strongest memory I have of you.
I thought i would have dreams or flashbacks about something less mundane, like our first date. Or the day you asked me to be your girlfriend. Or the nights when you walked me back home. Or when you picked me up after school to let people know that we’re a couple, eventhough we said we would hide it from everyone. Or when you stayed on the phone with me all night long because I was having a hard time.

Why do I remember you fondly eventhough you were the one who lied? Why do my heart feels warm when I think of you eventhough you were the one who gave up and fell out of love? I don’t think you deserve it. There was a point in my life when I thought you didn’t deserve any happiness at all.

Honestly, I wonder when our story started. Was it that day after school, when you took me for a walk in that quiet corridor behind school? Or was it that winter teddy bear?
I wonder when it actually ended. Was it that day when I asked for a break up because I knew you cheated? Or was it far before that?

I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I was twisted and tiring to be with. I knew I was probably the one who ruined us.
But you should not lie. You should not hurt someone like that, especially when you knew you were the one I trusted the most- with all my stories and secrets.
If only I could turn back time, I would make a better closure. I would not be scared to confront you face to face. I would not be scared to ask you how and why we ruined our story. But then again, I’m grateful it ended that way. Now, I can always remember you as the worst of yourself. And not the sweet gentleman I fell in love with.

Bye Charles. I think you know by now that I’m rare.

Blueming

I never knew I could fall in love with someone I didn’t personally know. Someone I had never even talked to. Someone I had only seen in passing. But, well.. I did.

The moment I saw you, I thought “Wow, his eyes are pretty.” And without me realizing, my cheek started to feel very warm and my heart started to race. That was very odd, because I always said there’s no such thing as love at first sight.

A few days after I first saw you, there was a girls-talk in my class. They were talking about their crush. Telling each other who they liked. One of the girls said that she liked you, and without thinking, my mouth suddenly said “Yeah, I like him too.”  Then, of course, things got awkward, so I said “But I like Frank too, because I generally like handsome boys” just to neutralize the mood.

Things like this were, and even as I grow older I realize they still are, signs of trouble. The general rule was : You should forfeit for your friend. So, Hm.. Why didn’t I? Well, why should I?
.

I don’t really remember how it started. But I remember that I received a note from you, saying you wanted to meet me after school. “Let’s take a walk after school”, it said.

So there we were, in a quiet corridor behind school. Talking so naturally, as if it was not the first time we were left  alone.
“You know I like you, right?” you said.
I smiled, and said no. Which was probably not accurate.
“I like you a lot. I want you to be my girlfriend, but I don’t want us to get in trouble.”
I stayed quiet, but I was so happy. My heart fluttered like crazy.
It was a short walk, though. So I remember you rushed to finish your sentence before somebody saw us. “Let’s keep it between us for now.” you said hurriedly, and then you left.

I wonder if you realized back then, but Charles, you were my first real crush.

Sky High

My apartment was on the 21st floor. It overlooked the city view.

Sometimes, I would look out the window at the people accross the street. I would wonder about their lives.
"Are they happy? Are they in pain, just like me? Am I the only one feeling so hurt? Am I the only one feeling isolated and frustrated?

On the worst nights, I would consider jumping. I would cry as the wind blew on my face. My vision would be blurry.
"Why are people so cruel? Why can't they be kinder to one another? Why is life so depressing?"

The people who made me like this, they never apologize. I never saw they got what I thought they deserve.
"Do they regret what they did to me? Are they reflecting? Do they even realize the gravity of their doings?"

My apartment was on the 21st floor. The sky was always pitchblack.

Red Queen

"What's there to stress about? You already have a huge salary!" She said. As if money is the only thing I need to be happy. As if I need to have a bigger, more grandeur, reason to feel sad.
.
"Why can't you be more spirited?" She said. As if I haven't tried hard enough. As if I spend my day lazily. Recklessly.
.
All I ever wanted was someone to tell me I was enough. That I did great. Or at least good enough.
All I ever wanted was someone to acknowledge that I've put my best effort. Someone to say that I could enjoy whatever I wanted to do.
.
I told them I was tired. But no one listened.
I told them I was sad. They thought I faked it.
I held out my hand. No one ever reached back.
.
So here I am. Slowly gone as the siren wails.

Preoccupied

"Why did you lie to me?"
"About what?"
"About falling out of love and falling in love?"
"I didn't lie."
"Yes you did. I asked you spesifically that night... did you fall in love with that other girl.. And you said no."
"What are you talking about?"
"That day. On the phone. I called you to explain why I broke up with you. I told you that I know you liked her eventho we're still together.
I was very happy when you said that I misunderstood. I thought we could fix everything."
"Why are you bringing this up? There's no use talking about it now."
"Yes there is. Because I want to know why you lied! I want to know why I should find out 9 years later that you actually liked her and you had no intention of fixing things with me back then. I want to know why you lied to me, eventho I trusted you the most. Eventho I lower my wall for you.. only you." I started crying.
"I'm sorry.. I really am.. for everything.. we were so young."
.
.
Disclaimer : This is my personal writing exercise. It is not based on real events.
A conversation between two ex-lovers just popped in my mind, and I decided to write it down. Hopefully I can use some of the lines for other things in the future.

Mommy Hug

The only thing I want to excel at in life, is being a mom. There really is nothing else.

I practically begged Allah to give me a child. And I have no intention of ruining this gift.

Do I know all the consequences? I know some. But right now I don't mind. I don't care.

Do I realize how much it will affect both of ourlives? Not really. But, I'm gonna try anyway. I owe that to my child - to at least try.

Am I gonna fuck up our stability? Really? Who cares? You? Well, I don't.

For the records, I do not need to explain to anyone why I'm doing this. I do not need anyone's approval of my reasoning. You don't know shit about me or my situation (well in this case, our situation). So shut up! You pay for none of this. You have no contribution or whatsoever in my well-being. So stop being a fucking douchebag, and get a life.

Partly Sunny

"Rather than the word 'sad' or 'depressed', I relate more to the word 'pain' and 'lonely'. Maybe that's why I dug a hole in my heart and burried all my scars there. Maybe I wanted them to decompose and one day flourish into something pretty. Ha! Who am I kidding, right?" 

Lavender

As I walked down that aisle, I thought to myself.. "This is it. Finally, somebody will hold my hand forever. He will take care of me. He will be the support I've never had. He will be someone who listen to my worries. He will be someone who help me find true happiness."
But, boy I was wrong.

I have never felt so meaningless. You made me feel as though I am replaceable.
After I'm fucked, I am discarded, ain't I?
You show nice gestures and cares, only if you want something in return, don't you?

Never have you ever treated me like a real spouse. Like a human. Like someone who mean something. Never. Not once.

Sun Flower

Dear, Self...
Why are you always so sad and lonely? Why are you so negative and angry? Why can't you be normal and happy?
Have you lost the spark? Is life totally  uninteresting to you?
Please stop thinking about death. There is nothing quick, pretty, or painless way of death. So please stop thinking about it.
I know that you are in pain. I know you just want everything to go away. I know living is hard. But please hang on... Things will get better, I promise.
I know that you feel lonely. I know you feel like nobody cares. I know you feel like you fight the world alone and no one ease your burden. But someone will come and hold your hand someday, I promise.

Dear, self...
Allow life to proof you wrong. Give it some time to show you that everything is better than death. Please... stop planning your death. Just, please.
Would you please silence that voice in your head- the one who keep whispering about pitch darkness?
You are fine... You are doing great.. You are loved.. You are important.
Please.. stop thinking about suicide.. Allow yourself to appreciate and celebrate YOU.

I love you...