Bath Friends

Dear, children...

I have a lot of scary thoughts inside my head about how I should raise you so that you can survive in this world and grow to become a decent and compassionate human beings.
These thoughts occur because I've seen how bigotry, ignorance, and immorality are constantly growing. I see how their gravities have become larger and much scarier.

You know, love.... I want you to treat every person with kindness, just, and compassion-regardless who they are. Because often I see how the rich and pretty ones benefit and make use of their wealth/beauty unfairly. Often I see how the minority and less-privileged are experiencing multiplied difficulties for obtaining their basic rights.
I hope you can always talk, act, and walk in the corridors of truth without discrimination as to whom you are against. Do not give a person privilege just because they are richer, older, have a higher office, come from a certain group, come from a certain religion/political background, or have other advantages. Say firmly that right is right and wrong is wrong. Carry out dutifully what has been entrusted to you, and do not falter to defend your rights. Never hesitate to apologize when you are at fault, but stand firm when you are on the side of truth.

My dear, I believe that all of you will grow into dazzlingly beautiful boys and girls. However please remember that beauty is meaningless without integrity, bright minds, and sincere heart.

Be mindful of your words and actions. Remember that all of them carry weight. Remember that, not only they affect you, they also affect someone else.
Be daring, yet be considerate. Be bold, yet be polite.
Set limits. Take responsibilities. And do not forget to have fun to keep your life in balance.

Remember.... I love you. Always have, always will.

Thaw

Why don't you fix me?

Mend all the curves that are weird and out of place...
Fade all the scars already exist...
Stroke my head gently without speaking
just because you understand,
without words...
Love me thoroughly,
without words,
just because you love me tirelessly,
without words,
just because you truly love me,
just because you earnestly love me...
.
.

Mengapa tak kau perbaiki aku?

Membetulkan semua lekuk-lekukku yang aneh dan tidak pada tempatnya... Memudarkan bekas-bekas luka yang terlanjur ada...
Membelai kepalaku lembut tanpa bicara,
hanya karena kau mengerti,
tanpa kata-kata...
Mencintaiku dalam semuanya,
tanpa kata-kata,
hanya karena cinta,
hanya karena sesungguhnya cinta,
hanya karena setulusnya cinta..

Sorrow

The weather is colder than what she packed for.

She looks out and feels like she can touch the snow falling out of her window.

Winter is cold. But the sharp pain in her chest is much colder.

She never knew that she could feel such tremendous pain. She never expected that she would meet such excruciating depression.
The feeling of longing for acknowledgement.
The profound void of loneliness.
The constant struggle and sadness.
The hate that scarred her.
Even after she seeked help. Even after she talked to someone. Even when she was showered with love.
She feels like no one would ever understand. She knows that the dark clouds won't ever go away. And even when they say they love her... she can't believe them. She can't feel their love.
She feels numb, yet she can feel the throbbing pain.


The people she thought would give her comfort... those she thought she could rely on... those she thought would give her strength.. are also those who tortured her... are also those who demand so much from her... are also those who expected too much from her.
They expected perfection. They expected fortitude. And understanding. And patient. And unconditional love.
But they wouldn't do the same for her.
All they do was talk.
Even when she told them she was in pain. They shrugged her off.  They belittle her. As if she needed a more dramatic reason to be in pain.


"Will anyone cry for me when I'm gone? Will anyone miss me? Will my death mean something to someone or anything at all? Will they finally realise that I exist? Will they finally acknowledge how hard I've worked? Will they finally know how much pain they've caused me? Their sharp words... Their unfair judgement... Their hate...."

She thinks to herself over and over again.

She closes her eyes and hugs herself. "You're good enough. What you did was good enough. You've done well."
She puts herself to sleep.

A Week Dose of Glucose

There are times when we feel like we are not as advance as everyone else. We feel less pretty, less successfull, less healthy, less complete, less interesting, and just less wonderful in general.
We feel like we are dull while everyone else's glow. We tell ourselves that we are lame and uninteresting.
But I have come to an understanding that we are just as capable as everyone else, just like everyone else are as much incapable as we are. Others are just as powerless as us, and we are as strong as others.
They glow, while we shine. We are sparkling, when they are luminous.
There is no point in feeling inferior, just as there is no point in looking for validation of your own happiness.
Be happy. Whether people acknowledge it or not is none of your problem.
Be awesome. You are your most important assets.

Promise Her The Moon #4 -END

Palette - end
8 Months after her wedding...
.
She walks into her favorite chocolatier with her hopes up. She can imagine his favorite opera cake sitting on their small dining table. She can picture how his perfect teeth would turn brown, so that she can clean it up with millions of kisses. Slow kisses. Sexy kisses.

" Hi!" called a familiar voice. He tapped her shoulder rythmically.
She spontantly blanks out.
"Can't believe we meet here!" He continues with that misleading tone and ambiguous smile of his.
She can't gather her minds. She just gawks with her mouth open.
"Sorry I couldn't come to your wedding. I was just..." He stops.
Not finishing his sentences is just his specialty. He seemed to love doing it, so that the other person could fill in the gap and misunderstood completely. At least, that's what she assumed.

"Ah.. no problem.." she is finally able to answer after she regains her consciousness, "How are you doing?" she continues.
"Not okay," He laughs awkwardly.
"What happened?" She asks--- only out of courtesy.
"You happened, " He answers with a one-sided smirk. "You left me and got married", he says.
"Wh-WHAT??" She can not hide how surprise she is hearing that nonsense.
"Just kidding," he laughs again. "I'm getting married", he continues abritrary.
Well that escalated quickly, didn't it? She whispers to herself.

She contemplates a bit about how she should respond. She naturally feels that she needs closure with this guy. She hates not having everything out in the open. She also hates playing games like this. They might never see each other anymore, so what is there to lose to talk and discuss about what happened in the past? She is already married, and he is getting married anyway. So.... it's a win-win,  really.... at least for her.

"Let's sit a bit and chat," she tells him.
Surprisingly, he agrees.
.
They sit in the outermost table near the door looking out to the shop's veranda.
"How is married life?" he opens the conversation.
"Lovely actually, much better than I expected," she answers honestly.
"What did you expect, really?" he replies.
You're not the one who is supposed to be asking questions here, she thinks to herself.
"Well.. like you probably has figured out.. At that time, I expect YOU would do something... so I never thought I would end up marrying my hubby. But, thanks to you I have a perfect husband, " she answers cynically. And she follows through with a plain laugh.
He looks a bit startled. "I know," he said.

He knows and he did all that push-and-pull thing with me. He knows, and yet he never, not even once, tried to settle things with me, she thinks angrily.

"I was about to ask you out, but then I changed my mind... You're too good of a friend, and I wasn't ready to move on so I didn't want to hurt you," he continues,

She just scoffs because she cannot believe what she hears.
Well, you should at least tell me the situation. You should at least try and make everything clear. But no, you chose to keep me hanging. You chose to keep me as one of your spare. She almost blurts everything out, but she knows better. None of it is of any use.

"You know who I'm trying to move on from right? I told you everything about her. If not because of time, I would probably couldn't even propose to my current fiancee. Even until now I still remember her. She left me with a deep scar and it's not easy to get out of that scar. I was trying to move closer to you, but then I didn't. And then you got married and I thought I should probably got married too. And so my friend introduced me to a girl, and I took a leap of faith. I told myself I'd just see where things go. And so we dated a few months. Then, I am where I am," he said.

What a douche, she smirks unconsciously.

"Well.. there's no use talking about it now. We're both heading to our own happy marriage. At least I know I am. And I hope you would too," she tells him. She gets out of her chair, purchase her opera cake, and wave him goodbye. Forever,
.
On her way home, she just feels so glad that everything with him is over. She is relieved that she picked her husband over that man.
If I married him, then I would probably be just like his fiancee.. An alternative of another woman. A back up plan. She feels sorry for the girl. She can't imagine getting into a marriage with that mindset-- not fully loving your spouse.
At least I know that he views a marriage only as a status. He married someone he is not in love with. He married someone because it is time to get married. I can't imagine being married to that kind of man. I can't imagine committing to someone without giving all my heart for them. I can't imagine having loose ends like that and decide to marry a girl. Isn't that too cruel? What does he think of his wife? A trophy? she mumbles.
But then that's it. She has nothing to do with him anymore. She is fine. She is married to a loving and honorable man. She is in love and her heart is throbbing with excitement. She is glad. She has completed her painting and she has thrown away the palette.

THE END.

Lennon

We don't need to have all the same preferences to like a person-- not only as a lover, but also as friends-- do we?
.
Some might prefer their coffee with cream, some might think that coffee should be black. But we can still have the same favorite coffee shop, can't we?
A bit trivial. But still...

Some might think of love as an adventure. A quest. A journey where you fool around and play before you settle down (or perhaps never settle forever). While others might take love a bit more seriously. Think of each relationships as sacred, fell head over heels in love everytime, and probably save their first kiss for their true love.
But still... we all fell in and out of love, don't we?
Some might live freely. Not caring about money, or having a landed house, or sport cars. And others might planned their life so very carefully... knowing all the tiny bits they want in life, when they want it, and where they want it to be. But still.. no one can live forever, can't we?

Some might go to the gym to look perfect in pictures, while others  simply don't give a damn. But our hearts still beat the same way, don't they?
.
.
We might not have the same principle in life. We might not agree on everything. But humans are just humans.
Flesh, bones, minds, hearts, stacks of bouncing emotions, and a pretty awesome species.
We have more in common than we are different. Fact, that is.
.
It's just sometimes we begin a relationship with a big spark, but as the relatonship grows and commitment sinks in, we forget to adjust the flame. The flame, that started out as a heart-throbbing sparks, can die down or combust everything.. All because we forget to stay sweet, to stay curious, to stay foolish, to stay romantic. All because, as the other person starts to walk closer, they also start to look less whimsical.
.
Friends. Lovers.
Enemies. Exes.
We have more in common than we are different. Unfortunate, that is,

After Highschool Graduation...

 

Photo credit to hubby

A few weeks after highschool graduation, when I was still going through some hard exams for MedSchool, one of my high school classmate (who was also one of my ex's close friend), suddenly started to contact me--The "unusual" kind of keeping in touch, if you know what I mean.:p
Until... at some point, he asked me to go out to see a movie with him.
Um... Watching movie... Just the two of us......... Sounded kind of like a date for me. So I politely declined.
Why? Not because I wasn't interested in him, BUT because at that time I was also going through some hard changes in my life. My parents were going through a divorce. My grandpa passed away. I was juggling between keeping my mind straight, my somewhat new circumstances, and things I should let go.
Another reason was--and this was the main reason--because I heard he (let's just call him : John) was also currently flirting with another girl (and, let's just call her : Jane).
Jane contacted me so vigorously because she wanted to make sure that John really was a playboy-wannabe. And I was a bit heartbroken. Not because I actually liked him, but because during that period I kind of loss faith in men (thanks to my dad infidelity), and John just made it worse.(I mean, come one! flirting with two girls at the same time?! how is that okay???)
 
In high school, John and I were never close. We spent the whole hischool years attending the same class, but we were never best-friends. We never spent time alone. Never really talked that much. Never really saw each other eye to eye. So I found it kind of bizarre when he contacted me out of the blue. And also the fact that he was one of my ex's close friend, um, made me kind of thought that he must've hated me.. or at least heard some shitty things about my personality.

At some point in high school, I actually wrote in my journal that he was one of the most handsome boy in school, and he knew that because he read it, but that was it
 There were also times when he wrote some poem for his older-girl crush and showed me, and I admired his poetic ability, but that was that. Never more.
So, I never saw any romantic intention coming from him during our high school days. That was why I was kind of surprised, startled, and taken aback when he suddenly asked me out.

In high school, I considered John a bully. He liked to make fun of people. He was also rude and inconsiderate. That was one of the reason why we were never close.
He was also someone who loved to be on the spotlight. While me-- well, I was that girl who acted as a staging tree in high school play. :)) We didn't match at all-- at least according to me.

From what I remembered, after I refused his invitation for a movie, we grew apart naturally. And he never tried to contact me anymore, and neither do I.
I never really got to find out or ask what his real intention was. I never got to hear his side of the story. And I never knew why he contacted me out of the blue. Was he really flirting with me or was I just went over my head? Was he really flirting with Jane also, or was it a false accusation? Was he really a playboy- a jerk- a cheater, like how I thought he was? Or was he actually just a bored good friend of mine? If he intended to build a relationship with me, how did he think we would manage the long distance relationship? (he was going to college abroad anyway, so why bother?)  Why did he never showed any romantic intention in high school? Was I not 'cool' enough?

I know it's a bit strange that I wrote about some random encounter in the past when I already have a husband and build a family. But, these kind of life story are those mostly inspire me when I write fictional love stories. I usually imagine the possibilities : what would happen if I accepted his request and went to watch a movie with him? what if I decided to go out with him? would he broke my heart? would I have the strength to mend my heart when I had so much going on with my life? would he turned out to be a jerk, like how I thought he was? would he turned out to be charming and took good care of me? would we survive the long-distance relationship? what kind of boyfriend would he be? the caring one? the cool one? the romantic one? if we got married, what kind of dynamic would we have? --> These sort of things got me curious and inspire me to write fictions. So, thank you, John!

Anyway, I am still very curious about what really happened back then... So John, if you accidentally read this blog : Hello!.

Empty Seats

I've met a lot of people in my life who I love soooo much..'till the point that I thought they would forever be by my side.

I innocently believe that we would always be together.. going through all the hardships and moments.
Growing up. Growing old. Sharing memories and years.

Never imagined that we would grow so much apart...t ill the point that they become an empty seat in the past.. missing sooo much of each other's life..
Missing weddings.. heart breaks.. sadness.. tears of joy.. despair..

It's not like our bridges are already burned.
It's just adulthood taking its toll.

Time passes by. Moments un-noticed. Pictures fade. The bridge gets old and rusty.

But believe me. I remember you from time to time.

The youths. The childhood memories. The hard and loud laughters. The irresistable freedoms of teen.
The boundless smiles.. And memories.. And warm relationships.. And heartfelt raw hugs that are so rare right now (in adulthood).

We were, once, so close.
Our heart used to cuddle.

Perhaps that's why I still smile everytime I remember you.

Remembrance

And among the fragments and ruins
Of black and white cogitation..
Of colorful and vibrant grief...

I discover myself longing for the same memories

-----

Dan di antara kepingan-kepingan
Dan reruntuhan-reruntuhan
Renungan yang hitam-putih
Dan duka yang berwarna menyala

Kutemukan diriku mengais kenangan yang sama

♡Q♡

Promise Her The Moon #3

Chasing Pavement 2/2

14th April 2013, just some other night after her shift in the ER. On her way home...

She is currently stuck in traffic. Along with, like, hundreds other cars. It has been 2 hours but the traffic hasn't shown any sign of getting better. Her car only move inch by inch, and she is sure that walking will get her home faster than driving.
Argh! What the hell happened?!!! She snorts, looking away to her side window. A couple is in a car next to hers, and they're acting all lovey-dovey.
What are you?! Teenager or something?! She snorts again at the sight of them kissing.

Her phone rings. A phone call from her fiancee. "Good timing!" she says as she picks up the phone.
"Are you home? I heard there's a terrible traffic near the hospital," he says.
She puts him on speaker and turns down the radio, "Noooo!!!" she replies childishly.
He laughs, "So are you stuck in traffic?" He asks.
"Yep! And some teenager in the car next to me is making out!" she replies even more childishly.
"Ah.. my poor fiancee.. I wish I was there so we could show them how to make out. Properly. Like an adult," he says mischievously.
"Meh.. I'm hanging up.." she answers as if she hates it, but she would like it, really.
They giggle.
"Okay, then. Drive safe. And text me when you're home," he says, then quickly adds "I love you!"
She blushes, "I love you more.." she replies softly.

I can't believe I broke up with him! She says to herself with a smile from ear to ear and a pinkish cheek.

A lot has happened since their date on her birthday. Life changing memories-- at least for her. She realized a lot of things. Things which, in their 5 years history, never crossed her mind.

After that day, they went on several more dates, and she fell in love with him once more. All over again.

She's not exactly sure when it all started. Just... at some point, she realized that her heart started racing whenever they hold hands.. and her cheek started to blush whenever he looked at her a certain way.
Then, one day, on their date to the beach near his home, she just said "I love you" unconsciously. And he smiled at her so warmly that it melted her heart. And... they kissed. Soft and slowly. As if it was their first and last kiss. As if the world stood still and the time paused. As if his lips wouldn't turned orange and his peppermint-scent would forever be hers. And, as if she wouldn't faint if her heart rates went even higher.

She holds her warm rosy cheeks as their kiss comes to her memory in a flash. She grabs her phone again, browses through her gallery, trying to distract her own brain.
'So, this is how it feels like to have a fiancee and plan your own wedding. I am forever grateful and happy' she writes on her Instagram along with a picture of her engagement ring.

I am such a brag! She amuses herself on the thought of her jealous friends and families.

She continues to drive carefully among this terrible traffic jam. She pulls her hand break on and off because her feet starts to feel tired and she grows even more sleepy.

Why did I break up with him? Is he always this handsome, and sweet, and kind, and just amazing! A random thought suddenly crosses her mind.

How come I never noticed how sweet he is before? We dated for 5 years for f* sake! She lectures herself about how dumb she was. And how ungrateful she was.

She remembers how, after she accepted his proposal, he said thankyou  for, like, a thousand times.
And she remembers how, after their kiss on the beach near his home, he pulled something out of his inside pocket. A ring.
"I have been keeping this for a long time," he said.
She then asked why. "Because I was affraid," he answered. And she then asked another question, "affraid of what?"
She remembers how he paused for a long time, just staring at her eyes with his left arm hugging her hips. "I'm affraid.. that if I propose to you again.. like officially propose.. with roses and a ring.. i'm affraid that you will run away--that you will change your mind," he replied.
She remembers laughing, but her heart was aching, and then she said, "Don't be silly!"

The night grows deeper and the traffic has gotten a lot better.
Ah! I feel exhausted. I just wanna go home and sleep... She pulls her hand break and massage her feet. Not long after, she finds a new notification on her Instagram. There's a comment on her recent picture. From him.

Her heart skips a beat.
Well, look who we have here. Ah -You. She can feel something chokes her throat on the thought of him.
What the... why now? She scratches her hair back and forth. Trying to calm her heart because her memories about him thundered in her mind, drowning her once more.
Should I open it? She hesitates.

She decides to open the comment and finds out what it says. 'I am so happy for you. Happy, yet sad at the same time,' he wrote.

W-What? Her pupils widened as she can not believe what she just read. That last sentence. She wonders what he meant by 'sad'.

She remembers a month ago, when she finally log on to Facebook after a long time to post her wedding invitation, she found his weird status on her home screen.
'I wish I could be your journey's end' it said. Dated just a few hours back.

She stares and stares at the Instagram comment for quiet some time.
Oh my god! She groans. You're still good at playing me, aren't you?! She groans again.

She wonders whether his Facebook status and Instagram comment might actually mean he has (or had) feelings for her. And she wonders whether she is, finally, breaking his heart.
Oh my god! She shrieks her heart out. Come on! What are your intentions, really!!! She shrieks again.

The night gets even more deeper and darker. And the traffic starts to unravel.
No! She says firmly.

I am not that girl anymore! I am not the one who will be swayed by you! She convinces herself.

What you feel. Or write. Doesn't matter to me anymore. She says it with confident.

I am too good for you. And you are no good for me. You do not deserve me! She is resolute and decisive.

I am getting married. And I moved on.

To be Continue...