Blueming

I never knew I could fall in love with someone I didn’t personally know. Someone I had never even talked to. Someone I had only seen in passing. But, well.. I did.

The moment I saw you, I thought “Wow, his eyes are pretty.” And without me realizing, my cheek started to feel very warm and my heart started to race. That was very odd, because I always said there’s no such thing as love at first sight.

A few days after I first saw you, there was a girls-talk in my class. They were talking about their crush. Telling each other who they liked. One of the girls said that she liked you, and without thinking, my mouth suddenly said “Yeah, I like him too.”  Then, of course, things got awkward, so I said “But I like Frank too, because I generally like handsome boys” just to neutralize the mood.

Things like this were, and even as I grow older I realize they still are, signs of trouble. The general rule was : You should forfeit for your friend. So, Hm.. Why didn’t I? Well, why should I?
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I don’t really remember how it started. But I remember that I received a note from you, saying you wanted to meet me after school. “Let’s take a walk after school”, it said.

So there we were, in a quiet corridor behind school. Talking so naturally, as if it was not the first time we were left  alone.
“You know I like you, right?” you said.
I smiled, and said no. Which was probably not accurate.
“I like you a lot. I want you to be my girlfriend, but I don’t want us to get in trouble.”
I stayed quiet, but I was so happy. My heart fluttered like crazy.
It was a short walk, though. So I remember you rushed to finish your sentence before somebody saw us. “Let’s keep it between us for now.” you said hurriedly, and then you left.

I wonder if you realized back then, but Charles, you were my first real crush.

Sky High

My apartment was on the 21st floor. It overlooked the city view.

Sometimes, I would look out the window at the people accross the street. I would wonder about their lives.
"Are they happy? Are they in pain, just like me? Am I the only one feeling so hurt? Am I the only one feeling isolated and frustrated?

On the worst nights, I would consider jumping. I would cry as the wind blew on my face. My vision would be blurry.
"Why are people so cruel? Why can't they be kinder to one another? Why is life so depressing?"

The people who made me like this, they never apologize. I never saw they got what I thought they deserve.
"Do they regret what they did to me? Are they reflecting? Do they even realize the gravity of their doings?"

My apartment was on the 21st floor. The sky was always pitchblack.

Red Queen

"What's there to stress about? You already have a huge salary!" She said. As if money is the only thing I need to be happy. As if I need to have a bigger, more grandeur, reason to feel sad.
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"Why can't you be more spirited?" She said. As if I haven't tried hard enough. As if I spend my day lazily. Recklessly.
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All I ever wanted was someone to tell me I was enough. That I did great. Or at least good enough.
All I ever wanted was someone to acknowledge that I've put my best effort. Someone to say that I could enjoy whatever I wanted to do.
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I told them I was tired. But no one listened.
I told them I was sad. They thought I faked it.
I held out my hand. No one ever reached back.
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So here I am. Slowly gone as the siren wails.

Preoccupied

"Why did you lie to me?"
"About what?"
"About falling out of love and falling in love?"
"I didn't lie."
"Yes you did. I asked you spesifically that night... did you fall in love with that other girl.. And you said no."
"What are you talking about?"
"That day. On the phone. I called you to explain why I broke up with you. I told you that I know you liked her eventho we're still together.
I was very happy when you said that I misunderstood. I thought we could fix everything."
"Why are you bringing this up? There's no use talking about it now."
"Yes there is. Because I want to know why you lied! I want to know why I should find out 9 years later that you actually liked her and you had no intention of fixing things with me back then. I want to know why you lied to me, eventho I trusted you the most. Eventho I lower my wall for you.. only you." I started crying.
"I'm sorry.. I really am.. for everything.. we were so young."
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Disclaimer : This is my personal writing exercise. It is not based on real events.
A conversation between two ex-lovers just popped in my mind, and I decided to write it down. Hopefully I can use some of the lines for other things in the future.

Mommy Hug

The only thing I want to excel at in life, is being a mom. There really is nothing else.

I practically begged Allah to give me a child. And I have no intention of ruining this gift.

Do I know all the consequences? I know some. But right now I don't mind. I don't care.

Do I realize how much it will affect both of ourlives? Not really. But, I'm gonna try anyway. I owe that to my child - to at least try.

Am I gonna fuck up our stability? Really? Who cares? You? Well, I don't.

For the records, I do not need to explain to anyone why I'm doing this. I do not need anyone's approval of my reasoning. You don't know shit about me or my situation (well in this case, our situation). So shut up! You pay for none of this. You have no contribution or whatsoever in my well-being. So stop being a fucking douchebag, and get a life.