Honestly, I thought I deleted you. Burried you as a memory I despise.
But recently I’m having flashbacks.
Most of the time- it’s the same moment. A high definition video playing in my head.
It was night time. We were sitting on a bench in front of a class in our school. I teased you. And you blushed. Couldn’t even look back into my eyes.
At that time, I thought that moment was nothing special. It was just you and me talking like usual. Eventhough we knew we’re not supposed too. Eventhough we knew we would get in trouble.
I never thought of it as something precious. I guess I was wrong. Perhaps that is the strongest memory I have of you.
I thought i would have dreams or flashbacks about something less mundane, like our first date. Or the day you asked me to be your girlfriend. Or the nights when you walked me back home. Or when you picked me up after school to let people know that we’re a couple, eventhough we said we would hide it from everyone. Or when you stayed on the phone with me all night long because I was having a hard time.
Why do I remember you fondly eventhough you were the one who lied? Why do my heart feels warm when I think of you eventhough you were the one who gave up and fell out of love? I don’t think you deserve it. There was a point in my life when I thought you didn’t deserve any happiness at all.
Honestly, I wonder when our story started. Was it that day after school, when you took me for a walk in that quiet corridor behind school? Or was it that winter teddy bear?
I wonder when it actually ended. Was it that day when I asked for a break up because I knew you cheated? Or was it far before that?
I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I was twisted and tiring to be with. I knew I was probably the one who ruined us.
But you should not lie. You should not hurt someone like that, especially when you knew you were the one I trusted the most- with all my stories and secrets.
If only I could turn back time, I would make a better closure. I would not be scared to confront you face to face. I would not be scared to ask you how and why we ruined our story. But then again, I’m grateful it ended that way. Now, I can always remember you as the worst of yourself. And not the sweet gentleman I fell in love with.
Bye Charles. I think you know by now that I’m rare.
