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Saturday, March 16, 2024

Bersilangan Tetapi Gagal Bertautan

 

Part 1 (160324)

Mustahil, desis John dalam hati. Ia segera menundukkan wajah dan mengalihkan pandangannya. Dengan cermat, ia berusaha senatural mungkin menyembunyikan mukanya—sekuat tenaga agar istri yang duduk di depannya tidak menyadari kepanikan yang kian mengusik dirinya.

Di sisi lain, John takut perempuan cantik yang baru saja melintasi pintu masuk mal itu beradu pandang dengannya. Takut kalau-kalau, sekali lagi dalam hidup mereka, jalan mereka bersilangan. Takut kalau-kalau perempuan itu masuk lagi dan mengacak-acak kehidupannya yang sudah baik. Sudah stabil.

Hari itu Senin pagi. John dan istrinya memutuskan untuk sarapan di kafe favorit mereka di lobi barat mal Gandaria City. Besok sudah masuk hari pertama bulan Ramadan, dan istri John pikir akan menyenangkan menghabiskan Senin tanggal merah ini berkuliner sembari window shopping di mal. "Pas puasa pasti aku mageran, deh, kalo kamu ajak kencan," katanya.

Tetapi John tidak pernah menyangka dia akan muncul di tempat yang sama. Seperti hantu di siang bolong. Seperti petir di hari yang cerah.


Kafe itu berada persis di sebelah kanan pintu masuk lobi barat, dengan dinding yang sepenuhnya terbuat dari kaca, memungkinkan John melihat lalu lalang orang keluar-masuk dari pintu mal dengan mudah. Sialnya, hari itu John memilih duduk di sofa di tengah-tengah kafe yang menghadap ke arah pintu masuk. Oleh sebab itulah, mulai sejak perempuan itu turun dari mobil di depan lobi, John langsung menyadari keberadaannya.

John memang pernah mendengar selewatan dari beberapa kawan SMA-nya bahwa perempuan itu sekarang ada di Jakarta. Namun, tidak pernah terbersit di kepala John bahwa mereka akan berpapasan seperti ini.

Gila. Luas Jakarta lebih dari 600 kilometer persegi. Di dalamnya ada lebih dari 10 juta jiwa. Ada hampir 100 mal yang beroperasi di Jakarta dan hampir sepertiga ada di Jakarta Selatan. Bagaimana mungkin aku dan dia ada di tempat yang sama di waktu yang sama seperti ini? John bergumam tidak habis pikir.

Monday, March 13, 2023

Bruce Clues

 


Hey, Bruce! Thanks for meeting me.

Please, don’t.

What?

I am familiar with that tone of voice. You want to break up.

I.. I’m..

But, why? I thought we’re good.

I’m really sorry, Bruce. I really am. I just.. I’m overwhelmed. There’s too much going on in my life right now,

So? What does it have to do with me—with us?

I’m sorry, Bruce. I just don’t think I can manage being in a relationship with all that’s going on.

Carrie.. Whatever happens in your life, we can get through it. Together.

Bruce.. I appreciate everything that you’ve done. Thank you for worrying about me and my family. Thank you for listening to my problems . Thank you for keeping my secret. I am really grateful. But this is over.

I don’t understand… When you ran away from home, I was always by your side. I can do the same for as long as you want. I can and will always worry about you—having your back and keep your secrets. Why should this be over?

Bruce, please… let me go.

Monday, March 6, 2023

Love You Twice

 

Aku itu suka ngumpulin pieces of beautiful lyrics on my notes, dan baru-baru ini ada satu lagu yang liriknya aku suka. It's just beautiful, powerful, but fragile at the same time.

Cause deep inside I wanna be her

She takes the hit but never shows you where it hurts?

Isn't it beautiful and displaying a sense of strength? Like, she takes the hit but never shows you where it hurts? I want to be able to be like that too. I want people to see that in me too... Like, mereka admire me, like, dia keren deh always so strong dan ga pernah nunjukkin sakitnya dimana. Tapi yah, di lain pihak, aku mikir gini:

Even when she always take the hit and never show people where it hurts... I wish she never had to take the hit at all.

Lebih enak kan kalo dia ga pernah harus take the hit in the first place? Wouldn't it be nicer and happier to live that way?

-Random Piece of History, end-

Saturday, March 4, 2023

John

 

Hampir setiap kali aku menulis karakter yang dikasih nama John, ada satu orang beneran yang aku kenal di masa lalu yang aku jadiin referensi. Personally, di mataku John ini merepresentasikan kisah cinta yang bisa aja kejadian tapi pada akhirnya ngga pernah sampe ke tahap itu. Ide dari karakter John ini didasari dari pertanyaan: what if waktu itu aku lebih terus terang dan lebih berani, rather than memilih getting stuck in my own head tanpa minta klarifikasi langsung. (Meskipun, yah, perlu diakui bahwa I was too young and have too much ego).

A little back story, aku ketemu John pertama kali tuh waktu tes seleksi masuk sekolah. He's a friend of a friend. Jadi tuh dia dulu sempet tinggal di kotaku waktu kecil, tapi karena ayahnya kerja di BUMN dia pindah ke kota lain, terus akhirnya balik lagi buat sekolah di kotaku.

Pertama kali ketemu itu ngga ada kesan spesial apa-apa. He just looked like a nerd. Kurus dan culun. But you know how boys go through puberty and suddenly look hot, kan? Yah, kira-kira gitu lah yang nantinya terjadi sama si John. Dia tuh tiba-tiba jadi ganteng dan populer gitu. Tapi I was so busy with other things in my life dan I don't really care much about him.

Entah faith atau gimana, selama aku satu sekolah sama dia tuh aku sering barengan sama dia. Bukan barengan dalam artian ngobrol atau gimana ya. We're not that close cause I was literally an outsider (that's what they call it). Tapi kita tu sering banget kecemplung di tempat dan kegiatan yang sama.

Still... In the beginning, aku ngga terlalu peduli tentang orang ini. Di mataku dia cuma cowok populer yang rude, childish, arrogant, dan suka nge-bully orang. At that time, I have my own love interest dan segudang personal stuff yang ribet dan miserable yang harus aku pikirin. But, from what I remember, things take a different turn menjelang kelulusan.

Ngga tau gimana ceritanya dan apa alasannya, John mulai sering message aku dan (sepertinya) showing interest terhadap aku setelah kami lulus. Aku agak bingung sih, karena pas di sekolah dulu sepertinya dia menganggap aku cewek aneh yang ngga keren. Honestly, bahkan sampe sekarang aku masih penasaran apa yang ada di pikiran John waktu itu; apa aku yang ke-GR-an atau emang dia lagi usaha deketin aku, hehe.

Long story short, I began to take more interest in him and really considering him as a potential partner. However, there was always a hint of doubt at the back of my mind. Karena kan selama sekolah aku taunya ini orang berengsek... gimana kalo ini cuma one of his games gitu loh.

Teruuussss... saat aku lagi seriously mikir mau take things to another level with him, ada cewek yang ngasih tau aku kalo dia juga sering di-message dan lagi dideketin sama si John. 

I was like: I knew it you mf!!!  tapi tetep aja sakit yah. Kecewa sih lebih tepatnya. I just thought, maybe, like, just maybe, dia tuh beneran tulus suka sama aku gitu. Apalagi di masa itu yang super duper disastrous dalam hidupku (ortu cerai, kakek meninggal, keluarga bangkrut, hidup berubah 180 derajat). It was a time where I felt so alone and it was actually nice to have him.

Makanya, waktu John akhirnya ngajakin aku nonton bareng berduaan (I assumed he was asking me on a date), I refused. Aku milih untuk menutup semua kemungkinan/ future prospect sama dia. Dan yah, bisa dibilang it all turns out well. Dia dan aku akhirnya membangun keluarga dengan pasangan masing-masing yang emang paling cocok untuk kami masing-masing.

Aku tu nulis ini bukan karena mau nginget-nginget drama masa lalu atau mau selingkuh dari suamiku yaaaa... Aku nulis ini cuma mau menjelaskan cara berpikirku melihat suatu masalah dan prosesku menentukan karakter kalo bikin cerita.

Anyway, setelah tua kayak sekarang, John tumbuh jadi lakik yang baik dan setia (at least itu yang keliatan di medsos-nya). He looks like a great partner and family man. Makanya aku jadi mikir: mungkin dia bukan fuckboy kayak yang dulu aku kira. Makanya juga, kadang aku suka penasaran, sebenernya dulu itu cerita dari sisi dia gimana. Dia beneran deketin aku atau engga. Kalo iya, apa alasannya? Dia waktu itu mau kami pacaran apa engga? Bener ngga dia deketin cewek lain juga? Kalo waktu itu aku mutusin buat dateng nonton berdua sama dia, apa yang akan terjadi (soalnya dia tu juga kan mau pergi sekolah ke luar kota gitu lhooo.... Kalo kami jadian pun emangnya dia pikir ada masa depan di situ?). 

I really want to hear his side of the story. Bukan karena apa-apa. Murni karena penasaran aja. I think I can write better stories kalo aku tau sudut pandang dan pemikiran si referensi-karakter ini.

But, you know what, bisa jadi juga waktu itu aku ke-GR-an. Bisa aja emang waktu itu John tertariknya sama Jane dan mereka sebenernya hampir banget jadian. I might unintentionally ruin their chance.

Nah, waktu nulis, biasanya premise-ku itu semacam: kalo waktu itu aku pacaran dengan cowok yang karakternya kayak gitu, apa yang akan terjadi ya? atau ngga, kalo orang kayak aku berakhir dengan cowok kayak John, couple dynamic apa ya yang bakal muncul? kurang lebih gitu lah.

All in all, I believe we end up with the right person. Kayaknya ngga bakal ada orang di dunia ini yang cocok sama aku sebaik suamiku deh. He fits right into my life. Kayaknya aku ngga bakal se-happy ini kalo yang ada di sampingku bukan mas Rizeki (Alhamdulillah). 

John juga gitu. He looks good with his spouse and little family. I don't think we'd make a great couple if we ended up together. I love the fact that he looks good in suits, but other than that, I don't think he can tolerate me as well as my husband does.

-Random Piece of History, end-

Btw, nulis ini bikin aku sadar bahwa aku dulu menjalani hidup dengan penakut. Aku ngga bertanya pertanyaan yang penting ditanyakan. Aku ngga ambil kesempatan/kemungkinan hanya karena takut hasilnya bakal melukai aku sendiri. Yah gitu lah... The past me. Hehe.

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

The Interview

 


Q: Hello, Daria! Welcome to Vague Magazine!

D: Thanks for having me. It’s an honor to be here.

Q: First of all, congrats on the success of your new series’Teenage Plus’. What do you think makes it so popular?

D: Hm.. I think just the core of the story. You know.. I believe many people can relate to being in high school and experiencing first love. And all the unnecessary dramas of, just, being young.

Q: I agree completely. And I think your performance is very realistic. Do you, by any chance, have the same “incident” (as Ciara, the main character) in high school?

D: I did actually… And I feel like Ciara and me has a lot in common, so it’s been very fun to play her.

Q: Wow.. interesting.. this might make headlines hahaha.. Care to spill the tea?

D: I mean, just like her I had my first real love in high school. And just like Ciara, it didn’t end well.

Q: A lot of the viewers must be reaaallly curious. I think you need to elaborate 😁

D: Well, I found out that he was hitting on other girls (while we’re still in a relationship).

When I confronted him about it, he said he only considered those girls his “younger sisters”.

Funny enough, I kept seeing him hitting on them. 

And not long after we broke up, he hooked up with one of his “younger sister”.

Q: Ouch! You must have hated him!

D: Nah, not really. I mean, we were young and immature. We haven’t figured out what we wanted in life yet. So, yeah, it’s cool..

Q: You’re very generous. If it was me, I would’ve killed him. 

D: Ah, no.. I’m actually really grateful to him because (at the time) he was the only person who would listen to my worries and problems. He helped me a lot when I was going through a hard time.

Q: If he is watching, what do you want to say to him?

D: I don’t really have anything to say to him anymore. I think we both moved on.

But, maybe just.. thank you. I mean, for taking care of me and making a lot of great memories. I appreciate everything that he did during our dating period. It was very sweet. And I wish him well.


*inspired by ‘You’ll Always Be A Fan’ by Eva Grace

Thursday, December 30, 2021

My Interpretation*

Charles, this will be my last year here.

Yeah. I know. But it doesn’t matter.

Do you think we can survive this?

Survive what?

Next year I won’t be here. You will be busy preparing for college. It will be hard to talk everyday like we used to. There will be new juniors—perhaps someone you’ll like better than me. Someone easier to meet. Someone cuter. Someone safe. Maybe you’ll realize I am not the person you want.

Your mind is so bizzare. Hahaha. Can’t we just enjoy today—the present?

I mean, my parents see each other every day and they still fall apart. Do you really think we can survive all the hurdles?

You are you. I am me. We’re not your parents. Not mine either. 

But in theory, no, in fact.. how many people you know marry the girlfriend they met in school?

Ciara… Can’t we at least try?

But you know me.. I always decide to run away! I can suddenly ask for a break up just to see how you would react! I can’t express myself well;  I tend to hide my real thoughts.. I am bad with relationship!

And you know me. I am not very good either. But we need to at least try. If you pushed me away, I will at least linger around you. If we’re meant to be together, we’ll be together. So, let’s just enjoy what we have now, ok?


*a song by Mika that inspired this piece.


Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Moon Walk

 



I was waiting to be picked up by my driver in front of the classroom when you said hi. “Still here?” you asked.
I nodded. “My driver should have arrived 2-3 hours ago. I wonder if something happened”.
You grinned. I wasn’t sure—but it felt like I was being looked down upon.
I pretended not to notice your tease.
“Want to walk home together?” You said.
“Walk?” I answered—puzzled.
“Yeah. You don’t live too far from here, right? I’ll walk you home.”
.
So we walked for 45 minutes.
No conversation.
Only scorching sunlight and the pungent smell of vehicle fumes.
.
I was drenched with sweat by the time we reached the front gate of my house.
I turned to you, “Thanks for walking me home.”
“Ring your doorbell. I’ll wait until you’re inside.”

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Falling In Love (Pt.3)

 

After that unique interaction in the main hall, we didn't get a chance to talk anymore.
My days went by normally and I only saw you in passing in the school corridor.
.
Then, on my birthday, Ryan tapped my shoulder.
"Charles asked me to give you this," he said, pulling out a box with a red ribbon.
It's a birthday present. No note or anything, just a winter Teddy bear.
.
.
During recess, I went to your class. A winter Teddy bear in my arms. 
I saw you walking out of the classroom. "Thanks for the birthday present," I said.
"You're welcome," you replied.
"But why are you giving me a present?" I asked. We're not even that close-- I said to myself.
"Didn't you ask for it?" you answered with a half laugh.
My face turned red. I ran back to my class.
.
.
I remembered a few days earlier you smiled at me in the corridor.
When we passed each other, I said to you, "It's my birthday soon. Don't forget to give me a present."
.
I felt so stupid.
I thought there was a special meaning behind the winter Teddy bear.
But there was only me humiliating myself.

Falling In Love (Pt.2)

 

I saw you again in the main hall when the principal made an announcement about our school latest achievement.
We stood in the same line, separated by two other people.
.
You were talking to your friend.
My eyes were glued to you.
Then you saw me and flashed me a smile.
"Hey! Stationery girl!" you whispered.
I smiled back. Faintly. Awkwardly.
.
I had realized this since we first met, your smile always looks bright and, at the same time, mischievous.
I wondered what kind of person you are.
.
"I'm Charles," you said--suddenly already standing beside me. "I'm friends with Ryan, he's in your class right?"
I was a little dumbfounded that I couldn't answer anything. Then, the announcement from the principal was over. We were asked to return to our respective classes.
.
You pouted. Still didn't get my name.

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Blind Date

 


Her

How would you describe yourself?

Hm, I'm not sure. I think I'm a person who can do many things well, but not particularly an expert in anything.

What do you look for in a partner?

I want someone dependable. Someone independent, who knows exactly what he wants.

Describe your ideal relationship.

One without drama. No insecurities. No secret. Just a boring, stable, and sturdy relationship.

Thank you. We will contact you if we find a suitable match.


Him

How would you describe yourself?

I'm a go getter. I'm not scared to speak my mind and work hard to achieve my goal.

What do you look for in a partner?

A good company will be nice. At the end of the day, all I want is someone to share my day with. 

Describe your ideal relationship.

Full of laughter, humor, and good vibes.

Thank you. We will contact you if we find a suitable match.

Friday, April 30, 2021

Obsesimu

 


Kamu tidak mungkin melupakanku. Aku gadis pertamamu.

Yang pertama kau genggam tangannya. Yang pertama kau rangkul pundaknya.

.

Aku ciuman pertamamu.

Yang pertama mendebarkan jantungmu. Yang pertama mendengarkan rahasiamu.

.

Jangan hindari aku. Aku tau kamu masih memimpikan aku. Aku tau terkadang kamu merindukanku.

.

Ayo datang berlari ke arahku. Akan aku tunjukan padamu,

Segenggam cinta yang kamu harap telah kamu miliki dari dulu.

.

Jangan berharap kamu bisa menggantikanku.

Tidak ada gadis lain yang bisa mengungguli aku.

Saat inipun, dalam hatimu, kamu tau, aku dewimu.

Friday, October 9, 2020

Imagine Dragons



Dear Hana,

When I was a teenager, I was a girl who struggled to find something good to say about myself. When people confessed their feelings to me, I would question their intentions. I would wonder why someone as beautiful as them would want someone like me. When I looked at the mirror, all I see was a girl with daddy-issues. When I came to school, I would look around and envied other people. I would wish I was normal. I would wish I came from a normal family.

I don’t hate my parents, Hana. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me. But, honestly, they weren’t in a great place. My dad was an addict. My mom would lean on me for strength because, frankly, she had no one else. I would often see or hear them argue, or even be a part of the arguments. I would worry, wondering if today would be a great day or just another day with screaming and physical abuse. And, yeah, it affected the way I look at people.

I met some great men, Hana. But I kept pushing them away just to see which one would stick by me and never left no matter what. I would find their flaws, or even made one up, just because I was scared they would hurt me. I would leave immediately if I saw even a tiny bit of my father’s characteristic in them. I would hurt them. I would feel insecure around them. And I would be annoyingly clingy if I really liked them.

Hana, I was so scared of ending up with the wrong man. Not because I was scared of choosing the wrong spouse, but because I want My children to have a great dad. I don’t want my kids to look at their friends and have the urge to ask, “what does it feel like to be a daughter of a great man?” I don’t want them to live their life feeling abnormal. Or even slightly crooked.

Hana, a lot of men are evil. But you surely can find a great one. The one that fits you like a glove. The one who makes you feel like you don’t need to be somebody else but yourself. The one who makes you comfortable being yourself, with all your scars and secrets. A great man will never persuade you to do something you’re not sure about. He won’t make you feel like you should pretend to like something you don’t. He will allow you to work in your pace. He will be there when you hit rock bottom, supporting you and be the person to give you strength. He won’t make you question yourself—On the contrary, he will make you notice how amazing you are. He will still tell you that you’re pretty even when you’re having breakouts or gain some weight.

Hana, I hope you grow up amazing. I hope when you look in the mirror you know for sure that you are loved, talented, and perfectly perfect. People might make you feel like your forehead is too big or your hair is too thin, but I hope you will feel fine because you know you are amazingly flawless— forehead and hair included.

Know that I love you a lot. Life can be hard to navigate. But, as long as you keep a clear view and a strong root, you will always know where to go.

(Inspired by ‘Our Song’ by Taylor Swift)

Friday, September 4, 2020

Arabica


Everybody have their own favorite memory from their first love. Mine would probably be my first kiss.
I’m not sure if I can even call it a kiss. It was more like a peck. One that made me blush every time I remember.
.
I always knew I wouldn’t end up with him. I always knew our relationship was temporary and would eventually end, because that’s just how most first loves are. However, I was so deeply invested that I didn’t really care about the ending— I just enjoyed every moments while it last.
.
It might not make much sense, but my first love wasn’t my first boyfriend. I was quite popular back then, so I changed boyfriends like they’re plastic bags. I changed boyfriends so often, yet I never let anyone stole my first kiss. I always wanted it to be with someone special.  Because? Because I valued myself highly. I knew it should be an honor to be my first love and have my first kiss.
He was probably the second boyfriend I had that year. The longest relationship I had in my adolescence. 10 memorable months. 
.
So, where were we? Ah! First kiss!
We were on a picnic date. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful park. The sky was blue with white pretty clouds here and there. The grass smelled amazing. He looked dazzling. He dressed like a McDreamy— you know, the kind of style  you’d imagine  from a lead male character in a romance novel.

We were talking about the future. What would it feel like to be college kids. What would we want to do 10 years from now. Just the usual talk, nothing special. 
I was looking at him as he explained lengthy about his favorite music. His side profile was mesmerizing. His eyes were bright and pure.
Suddenly, he turned his head to me. He smiled and asked, “Do I have ketchup on my face?”
I shook my head, then I went for a peck. Lips to lips. 3 seconds. That’s it.


(Writer’s note : Inspired by IU ‘Through The Night’)

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Backstage


In no way do I feel that I’m as good as Shakespeare or Hemmingway. But well, it might be interesting to know where my inspirations come from.
.
Tiny bits of my writings do came from personal experience. However, most of the time, it comes from imagination.
.
The piece called ‘Falling in Love’ was written when a drummer of a band I used to listen to was jailed for drug misuse. The title and content of the piece was inspired by their songs.
.
‘Shiver’ was inspired by a Coldplay song with the same title.
.
‘Antagonis’ was inspired by a conversation I had with my husband. It made me wonder how an antagonist must be feeling. Was an antagonist born bad? Or did their circumstances change them? I think it must have been really sad and lonely because the society decided to put a terible label for them, sometimes without trying to know their stories.
.
‘Red Queen’ was inspired by the death of Sulli - a kpop star. Sulli was friend with IU, and their fans thought Red Queen was written by IU for Sulli (in addition to Peach).
.
‘Lavender’ was written right after I watched a documentary about Princess Diana.
.
‘Sorrow’ was inspired by SHINEE Jonghyun’s suicide.
.
‘Promise Her the Moon’ was written based on a song with the same title.
.
Yeah, so that’s a glimpse of this blog’s backstage— which is my brain, lol.
I have a lot of fun writing here. And the thought of no-one-is-reading really makes me at ease. I can really write with no burden or anxiety of anyone’s judgement. It is very liberating.
.
Thank you dear, Blog! I hope you will stay lowkey forever ❤️

Sunday, August 23, 2020

Sawang Sinawang


I think the question “how are you?” has a lot of shade and depth.
.
.
“How are you?” he asked-15 years after we last met.
“I’m great, Sir. How are you?” I replied.
“Same old, same old. How is your family?” he said.
“We’re doing okay. I’m a district attorney  now, Sir. My brother lives abroad. My mom is still in our hometown.”

He was the only person who reached out to me when things were tough. He was the only one who offered his ear.
He wasn’t even my home room teacher. I wasn’t even attending one of his class. But he was the only one who noticed.
Thank you, Sir. I am forever grateful.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

Falling In Love


It was early morning. I had just arrived at school and remembered that I needed to go to the stationery shop.
That was the first time we met.
.
You were already there, a yellow novel in your hand.
I got in to the shop. Told the shopkeeper what I needed and I looked your way.
Our eyes met. You smiled first.
“Hi,” I said nonchalantly.
You couldn’t hear me. You were wearing your favorite earphones.
“Sorry, what were you saying? I was listening to music,” you walked my way.
“Ah, I just said  hi”, I answered. And I just said hi because you flashed me a smile.
“I was listening to a new indie band,” you offered me one of your earphone.
The school bell rang.
“It’s called Crocks. Try them out,” you rushed to class. I should too.
You didn’t get my name. Neither do I.

Friday, August 21, 2020

Shiver


Why didn’t you tell me back then? Why now?
I tried. Perhaps not too hard, but I did try.
It is all too late now, isn’t it? We’re both engaged to someone else.
I’m sorry I chose to tell you. I shouldn’t have.
No, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you did.
You are? Why?
Well, do you prefer to keep your feelings for yourself until the end of the world?
I did think it’s best not to ruin a good friendship.
Do you think our friendship is ruined, now that you decided to tell me?
I don’t know. Is it?
Of course not! You liked me, so what? It doesn’t change the fact that we spent 15 amazing years together. You’ll still be the first person I call for everything.
I’m glad it’s not ruined, but I’m sad too.
God! You drama king! Why?
I don’t know. Perhaps.. Like, how I felt about you.. like, don’t even matter.. It’s like you’re saying my feelings for you.. not substantial enough?
You’re silly! You don’t want to ruin our friendship, but you’re sad that it’s not ruined?
Why did you never look my way, tho? I was literally there.
Well.. you’re like family. I love you like my own blood.
If I tell you 10 years ago, what do you think would happen?
I think I’d say no. But, I’d still want to be friends. Is that selfish?
Kind of. 
Food for thought tho, we’re all somebody’s first love at some point in our life.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Sorry


Do you ever have to forgive without receiving an apology?
That’s a crazy concept. I believe forgiveness is something you should earned.
Let me change my question, will you ever forgive someone who never apologize?
Not in a million years.
Why not? Wouldn’t the grudge only make you suffer?
I need them to know that harm was done. I need to know that they feel misery for doing it, say sorry, and make amends.
So, without an apology, you would resent that person for as long as it takes?
Yes. I don’t want to make it easy for people to hurt others—and not have to deal with the consequences.
I believe that must be tiring. Reconciliation is important for your own inner peace, no? Letting go of unhealthy anger is a good way to achieve good mental health, no?
I disagree. It’s naive to easily let things slide. It’s permissive. And it’s rather unhealthy, in my opinion.

Sunday, August 16, 2020

Old News


It was the coldest day of winter. The day someone told me that you started dating her. That girl.
It just proved I was right. You did flirt with her. You did like her. Even when we were still together. But why did you deny? Was it embarrassing to admit?

Honestly, I knew she felt insecure about me. Well, I would feel insecure if I was her. After all, I am me, your first love— and I quoted her in this, “pretty, smart, rich, popular, and kind”.
I even wondered why you would like her. Hm.. perhaps she felt safe and effortless.  Haha! Great things need a lot of care, Charles!

I thought I was a coward for not being able to say it all in your face. For not being able to say I was hurt and I knew all your lies. But, congratulations to me! You were more of a coward. That coldest day of winter proved it all.

For the record, I didn’t wish you well. Not at all. Perhaps I even prayed for the worst for your life. Hehe. It was very childish. But, yeah, we were children. You certainly were.

.

(Writer’s note : This series is getting boring to write. I don’t even know where this is going. I feel like, at this point, this is just a journal of a girl’s heartbreak. Pretty uninteresting. Well, we shall see. Sometimes inspirations come out of no where)

Friday, July 31, 2020

A Small Window by The Bay



I rarely talk about my personal feelings or thoughts in this blog. Mainly because I use it more for writing exercise, and not a personal journal. Partly, because I am some-what private about my deeper feelings and thoughts. But, you know what, tonight I want to write about my dad.

My dad passed away 20 September 2014. He was around 51 years old. Very premature, right?

I used to really resent him. I felt betrayed. Angry. Disappointed. Abandoned. Cheated. But after his passing, I feel none of those.  In fact, I miss him a lot. The dad who gave me so much headache—heartache. I miss you, dad.

As I grow older, I realized that he too had his own story. He too was broken and hurt. He was sorry, and probably more disappointed in himself than I ever was.
Sometimes, I feel apologetic because I could have tried to understand him more. Yet I was so drowned in my own pain, I forgot to tend to his.

I wonder a lot about what kind of grandfather he would be. You see, my son always asked for a grandpa—Like grandpa shark. He wanted to have one too. And I had to tell him that his grandpa is with Allah now.

My dad made very terrible mistakes. Even now, I know I am still suffering because of his doings. But, boy, I still wish he is alive! I wanted to whine about the terrible humans I met throughout my life. I wanted to tell him he was right—I did get married too young. I wanted to tell him he was right—I should have stayed near my family and friends, not ventured out to another island with no one on my side. But I wanted to tell him, even though my path wasn’t smooth and easy as he wanted it to be, I had a blast! I met new people, did things I never thought I would, made new friends, gained experience, grew my perspective, and just live a little. Haha. I still am your goody two shoes, dad, don’t worry.

If I were him, I think I would be proud of myself. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I got very good grades and graduated on time from Med School. I got a good husband and had my first-everything with him. I am honest and open minded. I still live by my own values and not get scared to be bold or do the right thing. I grew up well, dad. Not thanks to you, tho. Or maybe thanks to you? I have no idea!

But, dad, you know what I regretted the most? Not being able to say I love you one last time. You called me the day before you passed, and I didn’t say I love you. Will you ever know dad? I love you a lot. I had big negative feelings back then, but none of it was hate. I never hated you.

Maafin kakak, Pa. Waktu itu kakak belum dewasa. Semoga Papa ada di tempat yang terindah di sisi Allah. I love you. ❤️